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Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Reader Submitted: It's Only A Pixel Moon (My Time With Areal Loonie)

 
By DrFran Babcock 

It's Only A Paper Moon by Billy Rose, Harold Arlen, E. Y. Harburg

Say, it's only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me

INTRODUCTION

   Second Life has a reputation of being a sex-crazed and wild place. What is so peculiar about this is the fact that, while there is a plethora of every kind of kink that exists in this world, when you get to know people in Second Life, what you find is that it really is the place of deep and meaningful relationships. Touch, taste and smell are removed from the equation, and sight is based on how one chooses to represent. Thus, most people who go on to communicate in relationships find that the reliance on talking or typing leads to deeper connections than in meat space.  Here’s a story about all that.

SHOW & TELL

Show and Tell was one of my favorite events in Second Life. Each week Barney Boomslang and florenze Kerensky hosted residents in SL who wanted to demonstrate wild and inventive things they had built. After everyone had their time on the stage, the audience voted for the best item, and the winner got some Linden dollars. The crowd was as sharp and funny as the hosts and presenters.  

   In the second half of 2008, the weekly Show & Tell moved from the sim of Lummerland to Avaria (Home of Grendel’s).  Change is always hard, usually negative, but the diehard Show & Tell enthusiasts moved to the new sim. There were the usual grumbles; “It’s not like it used to be!” However, most of the people moved with the move, and the Show & Tell continued.

   I used to go to the event with Tiny HIckman (a giant dragon), Kumi Kuhr (not around much now), and other avatars who are gone or deceased. One day, in 2008, I was startled by the bell of an IM, and it was from a person I did not know. Areal Loonie is a funny but awful name, especially because I am a mental health professional, but their comment was intriguing. My profile, at that time, spoke about my love of canals, and Areal was asking me why I was interested in canals. We chatted about that during the show, and I thought nothing of it. Of  course I cammed over to see that his avatar was a black bat, and that was interesting and different.

   I started to realize that he—it turned out he was a he—had been coming to Show & Tell for way longer than I had, and we continued to chat. I told him about my secret build of a canal and lock that was based on the Paris Canal St. Martin. He got very excited and one thing led to another, and he visited. In the meantime, Lomgren Smalls, a teeny tiny cat from The Relay for Life Redheads team, was graciously adapting the Second Life Railroad script so it could be used for the canal.

BUILDING SIMS, BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP

Over time Areal and I chatted more and more and began to share experiences in Second Life and just talking on Skype.  From 2008 to 2014 we collaborated on three sim builds, all of them with canals on the sims of Purple, Lakeville and Campello (see photos).

We fought a lot. We had a lot of very similar ideas about what we wanted to build, but we also disagreed on a lot of things. I was much more social than Areal, and ended up having to go to a lot of events without him, but we always ended up chatting together in the end. We also fought over jealousies and other relationships. Looking back, from 2023, this was all so stupid, and we laughed at how silly we had been.

HIGH FIDELITY

In 2014, Philip Rosedale started High Fidelity, another Virtual World that relied on VR technology, and had a blockchain financial system. Philip is always ahead of his time, and Areal and I jumped from Second Life to High Fidelity and spent a number of years there until it eventually closed in 2018.  In May of 2016 High Fidelity held a Hackathon in San Francisco, and Areal and I met for the first time in first life. We had a wonderful time, and actually took a side trip to Palo Alto. I returned to San Francisco, and we spent days together.

While in High Fidelity we continued to build together and to learn about Physically Based Rendering (PBR) of objects that allowed them to respond to light like objects in the real world.  

Surprisingly, PBR is coming to Second Life eventually!

TO THE PRESENT

After High Fidelity died we went to Vircadia and Overte, and TivoliVR, three open source virtual worlds based on the High Fidelity code, but neither of these was very enticing.  

I became super angry with Areal when he refused to join Discord, so that we could communicate. Very few of the people we knew in virtual worlds were using Skype any more and his stubborness about joining Discord irked me to the point I broke off communication with him. For an entire year we did not speak to each other at all. I would see him in Overte and Vircadia, but we did not chat. The whole time this was going on I missed him so much and felt so sad.

RECONCILIATION

After about a year he spoke directly to me in voice in Overte and I answered him. I found out he was now on Discord, and he DMed me and friended me. We began to chat again and began building again in Overte. It was as if we had never stopped talking with each other. We went back to Second Life from time to time and went to Overte and VIrcadia (TivoliVR had closed). We started to collaborate on a build Areal (by this time calling himself Twa in virtual worlds) had started of downtown Paris and the subway system. I had my own build of a canal, of course, and we collaborated on that. In addition to virtual worlds we often played a sandbox zombie survival game: Seven Days to Die.  

We planned to get together again, but then COVID had other plans. However, we spoke every single day from two to six hours a day, depending on our schedules.

THE END

About six months ago Areal, a heavy smoker, went for a full-body scan and they found a mass in his lungs. By February 2nd of 2023 he had died of complications following lung surgery. Luckily, I had contact with some of his family memebers, so I was able to know of his condition.  Throughout his recovery we “spoke” on FaceTime, although he had to write on a pad, because the ventilator prevented him from speaking. It was as if we had come full circle, relying on chat again.

We had just begun to make plans to live together finally. I had retired from my job, and he was already retired. We talked about the details of merging our four cats and about me, a lifelong New Yorker, living in California. I was happy about this. Old age had softened our rough edges and we were very companiable.  

We met in Second Life and together we built a good life. Our story is not dissimilar from many others in the Metaverse. It continues to demonstrate the great power of connection between humans despite the way in which it manifests. 

Rest in Peace, Areal Loonie. 

DrFran

Friday, November 2, 2018

When A Friend Passes Away


By Deaflegacy

Most of my story will be about real-life, but it's one I need to tell.

October 27, 2018, was one of the hardest days I had in my life.  It was the day that my best friend of nearly four years passed away.  Her name has been changed to give her friends and family privacy so I will settle on Yvonne.  My other best friend, Larry (name changed for the same reason) texted me.  He wanted me to call him.  So I called Larry.  It was then Larry told me that Yvonne had passed away.  At first, I thought Larry was kidding and Larry said no.  We made an arrangement to meet. Larry's girlfriend, Beth (name changed for the same reason) and Larry pick me up.  We stopped by Yvonne's house.  It then hits me.  Yvonne is gone.  She's not coming back. 

We knew it was going to happen because Yvonne kept falling asleep.  She passed away in her sleep most likely from a heart failure.  I miss Yvonne very much.  Even when Beth told me that I have to move on, I still miss her very much.  If there is one thing that never will change, it's that Yvonne will still be my inspiration.  She was one of the few people who inspired me to write in my journal every day.  Even when Yvonne is gone, I will continue to write in my journal every day for Yvonne. 

But I know Yvonne will not be forgotten. I remember last year when Bixyl and Gemma told me about their SL friend Breezes Babii passing away. Her friends came together to give her a funeral here in Second Life. They still talk about her once in a while. A few weeks ago, Akea Grommet, another of Bixyl's SL friends, passed away. Akea's friends gathered at his partner's house here in Second Life to share stories about him. Some hadn't seen him a long time, but still they came to pay their respects.

At least, I know that Yvonne is at peace.  She is in a better place and that's why I'm tell you all about my best friend of nearly four years.  Yvonne was a wonderful and kind person, who cared very much about me.  Even though I know that Yvonne is in a better place now, it doesn't stop me from missing her.  From the day I left her house, carrying a large teddy bear, I know right now that Yvonne is with me.  Best Friends Forever.

Deaflegacy

Friday, April 19, 2013

Ask DrFran: "A Buddy Comes Out"


By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

In real life, I’m a bit afraid of gays, or "homer-sexuals" as my Dad called them. He considered them bad news as men in general had only one thing on their mind, and gays were different only in they'd be after your behind instead of bragging to you about how much they got. A friendship with one, he told me, was impossible. And he felt that if any were dumb enough to show themselves back in the farm community he grew up in, the expression "he needed killin’" might be brought to bear.

Coming to Second Life™, I found a few, but not many, at least among the men. There have been a few in their profile who called themselves "bisexual," but not many male homosexuals. Maybe in SL's Libertarian "mind your own business" attitude, most keep quiet about it, but I can only guess. But some haven't. Some kept to themselves. Others acted like my Old Man warned me they would, being pests and flirting with any guy who was unlucky enough to draw their attention.

For most of the time, I didn't think too much about the subject, being occupied with going about in Second Life™ and making friends. Among my first friends was "Kay" (not his real SL name) a short, furry guy who liked music and would occasionally play at music events at a favorite hangout of mine. We would also talk with other friends about computer games and goings on in SL and first life, as well as places we’d seen. We'd also do some activities together, such as a weekly tour group in SL. He could be a little sad at times, saying he had trouble finding someone in real life, but I thought nothing of it.

Then after over a year, Kay told me he had a bit of news. He admitted he was gay. He told me he had dated girls in first life, but just couldn't feel an attraction. This bit of news was stunning. I thought I had known him, and it turned out I hadn’t.

I didn't feel afraid of him—between his small size and his passive, well-mannered attitude. But what did make me worry was when Kay told us who he was in a relationship with. The guy, who was not really gay but bisexual, was known to be a troublemaker, harassing a lady friend of ours in first life. I reminded him of that, saying this guy had been bad news. But he persisted, showing up with him at his side. So I acted friendly, hoping my buddy was right in that he changed.

As it turned out, the troublemaker hadn’t changed. Some time later, I heard from a mutual friend they had broken up. It was a few days later when Kay finally logged back on. I met up with him, and my buddy was in tears. He had found his partner in bed with another guy, basically laughing off their relationship. He had not only given his heart and found it thrown back at him, but in exposing his biggest secret, many ‘friends’ had stopped talking to him. He felt more depressed than ever.

It was at this point I did something I thought I’d never do. I gave the guy a hug—first time on SL I had ever done so to another male.

Kay remained on Second Life™ a little longer, but eventually he stopped coming on a regular basis. He would pop in once in a while to say hello, but he had more or less moved on.

I’m not wondering what makes a guy gay. Whatever happened, he didn't ask for it. But what I do wonder is what made him “come out?” There are many stories of guys who have done so, only to be shunned by friends and family alike. Surely he would have known. Why couldn't he have just kept quiet about it? 

Wondering


Dear Wondering:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter and question. It is a testament to your maturity that you did not go on to embrace unquestioningly the beliefs of your father, as so many people have over time. You have had the ability to see things for yourself, and to take people as you meet them, without prejudice (note: prejudice means to pre-judge, and you didn’t).

Kay is not an unusual case. I have met many gay men and lesbians in my days on the grid. Second Life™ can provide a hiding place for people who have secrets. My own belief is that no matter where you go; there you are. No amount of running and hiding can allow a person to hide from themselves. The pain of not being truly who one believes themself to be is often unbearable for people. I believe that is what was behind Kay’s need to “come out.” Kay was unable to be who he was, and that dishonesty hurts people. I don’t know if you have ever had to appear in a human avatar in Second Life™, but if you did you might know what I am talking about. I believe you said you are a furry, and that is your identity here on the Grid. So, imagine having to act “human” here, and interact with friends and lovers as a human, when every cell in your body tells you that you are a fur. Most people could not do that for any length of time.

I am sure that Kay was well aware of the stigma of being homosexual. Despite all of the growth we residents have made and show, many folks still fear “homer-sexuals” Kay took a risk that he had to take.

On a more psychological note: It has been my experience that gays and lesbians prefer to have their affections returned. A homosexual who pursues a straight person is probably dealing with emotional difficulties. It’s no different than the woman or man who always seems to find the one person who will not or cannot return their love. Generally, without some insight they are unable to change this behavior, and will go on looking for love in all the wrong places for the rest of their life.

Kay made a bad choice in a partner; something you and his other friends warned him about, but without success. Is this any different than a straight relationship? I think not. People will love the wrong people, but mostly they will pursue people whom they think will like them. Poor Kay will heal, but his experience in Second Life™ may have soured him for future attempts at being gay here. Not because he is gay, but because he had a bad experience.

Your hug was an expression of true caring and compassion. I applaud you for the bravery it must have taken. Think for a moment…Kay didn’t pursue you romantically, so he must have seen you for what you are: his friend. Maybe he will make another try in Second Life™. We know there is no way to say, but I am glad that he has your for a friend should he try to stick his snout in again.

Thanks for your heartfelt letter.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Ask DrFran: "A Friend in Need"


By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:  
Second Life has a number of things to offer. One is the people. The variety of avatars certainly allows us to appear in a number of ways, such as my furry fox avatar. Then there's how our personalities show. In my first home, one of my neighbors was a gun-totting girl who loved to shoot things up once in a while. We never became an item, as she preferred other girls and was partnered to one, she a fur and her partner a human. Despite her being a "lezzie" as she called herself, the attention of guys wasn't necessarily unwelcome as long as it didn't go too far, her responding to whistles with a wink.

When the home went under after the owner couldn't afford to keep it up longer, I lost touch with many friends there. But we kept in touch with each other. Over time, we met more often, including a few rounds at firing ranges, and at combat sandboxes, watching each others' backs.

Then her partner dumped her, for reasons I never heard. My friend was naturally saddened, and I spent some extra time with her, listening to her. I thought she'd be be blue for a time, but her depression lingered and deepened. She felt worthless, despite my words of praise.

If she preferred the company of guys for intimate contact, I would have asked her out. But her preferring the company of girls, well, that option was out. I don't know what to do as the only other girl whom also did, she was partnered and she didn't know where my friend could find another.

What can I do to help my sad friend?
Worried Fox

Dear, dear Worried Fox:
People are generally very good and compassionate. I see how much you hurt for the pain of your friend, and I know that you are a decent soul. However, as much as we want folks to be happy and at peace with their lives, there is rarely anything that we can do to make this happen. True contentment comes from within, and is not dependent upon the acts of other people.
The best that anyone can do for another person is to listen and to validate their experience. People who feel that they are being heard by others seem to do very well. Sometimes when I work with patients I don’t even say a word. I am just there as a presence, a sounding board. Patients tell me: “That was the best session ever,” and don’t even realize that I have said nothing.
Another thing to consider is the nature of male female relationships. Remember that what I say is always my opinion, and this can differ from yours and others. I find that men and women can be friends, but usually best after they have had a love relationship. Many people disagree with me about this, but my exes here in Second Life and in First Life are my friends, after a period of being apart. My belief is that if you liked the person enough to go out with them, you probably like them. In your case, you hadn’t a chance to date your friend, and it would not have happened, based on her relationship preferences. It’s pretty well known that “lezzies” may sleep with men, but they really do prefer to be with women. However, this does not mean she couldn’t be your friend, and I guess she is.
The rules of attraction are so complicated. A very wise therapist once told me that when you are out and about you are dragging all your emotional luggage around with you. If you should stumble upon someone to whom you are attracted you throw your luggage into a heap with their luggage, and you hope you have a matched set. The pile of valises gets higher and higher each time we do this. And yet, many of us do it over and over again.
Worried Fox, I hope you have found some happiness, because it is very evident to me that you are a kind and caring fox. 
Fondly, 
DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Here’s to You, Kara Nakamori

In the Summer of 2007, I had started giving Second Life another look after a small start of just logging on occasionally and puttering around. I found a place to hang around at: Luskwood. I decided upon a new avatar to replace the starter ringtail I’d been wearing which back then marked one as a newcomer: the Lusk red fox, and I was starting to find interesting places after getting the idea to look on the Internet for Second Life websites.

I made a few friends at Luskwood. There was Lomgren who’s 6 inch avatar never failed to draw attention. There was Hervy the squirrelgirl, whose avatar had gotten a few seconds on CNN when a politician gave a talk on Second Life. And after some time, I came across another I became friends with, Kara Nakamori. At the time I ran into her, Kara was in the freebie purple catgirl avatar that was popular at the time. She stood out from everyone else with the friendliness and enthusiasm, and we ended up friending one another.

In real life, Kara was a Japanese-American whom had lived in Texas since moving there as a little girl. She was a student in college. She once showed me a photograph of herself, a quiet girl. I never did hear her voice, her telling me she felt a little embarrassed by it.

We met a couple more times at Luskwood, and then she invited to teleport to somewhere. I found myself in a place with a number of cafe tables and chairs, with a stone fence around. Kara introduced me to two friends of hers, Blarion and Keli, and told me this place, the STA or Student Travel Association, was a hangout of hers. They soon introduced me to the two who ran the place, Euranna Rossini and GlobetrekkerBob. Anna and Bob were normal humans, as were the rest of the staff there. Bob stood out with his sunglasses, denim vest on a T-shirt, and hat. And in the STA website, pictures of the real-life Bob had him in his hat and sunglasses as well.

The STA was two sims, the east a building showing what the real-life organization was about, and the west a sandbox/newbie help area/social hangout. My friends would sometimes spend time building in the south, and attending events in the north. But we often hung around the center of the sim at the cafe tables around the globe, chatting about goings on, occasionally remarking about the newcomers arriving and walking around as they read the “Welcome to Second Life” signs instructing them on how to go around and giving them a few clothes and useful items. There was a small staff there most times to be there if they needed help. Occasionally the newcomers would have a question for us, which we answered. We were occasionally asked about our furred avatars, and we answered their questions. There was only one occasion someone was rude to us about them.

Time went on, and there were a few changes. Kara put away her freebie av in form of a black and white huskygirl avatar. She told me this look just seemed better for her than a vixen or wolfess. Blarion started out with a skunk, but switched to grey wolfboy. Keli was briefly in a Luskwood "jogi," but changed back to his coyote-like tan-furred avatar. It might have been one of the “Crux” avatars, but not sure. Anna would wear different dresses. O’l’ Bob never did change. Myself, I got a vampire bat for Halloween, which I wore for about a week before putting it away and going back to foxy.

Blarion soon got a job as one ot the STA’s DJs, with Keli pulling host duty. Keli never had his own tip jar, as Blair insisted on splitting his take with him fifty-fifty. Bob and Anna invited the four of us into the STA staff, as we were already helping out the newcomers. One of the titles to the group was “Traveler,” which I liked as I was exploring time to time, and it became the one I wore the most.

Over time, three more people joined our group, all whom like Kara went about in anthro husky avatars. One was Schism, whom dated Kara in the Grid. Another was Balt, the blue huskyboy, whom was the quiet one in the group. And then there was Kana, Kara’s real-life roommate. She was also Japanese-American, but was more aggressive and assertive than Kara. But she fit right in with our group. Kara soon started a group for her closest friends, each of us getting a unique title. The one she gave me, with my jokes, was “King Corny.”

Other STA group members close to us that were practically in included Otis, a self-described “gangsta” with tattoos whom was the other DJ besides Blarion. There was August, with her flowing red hair, whom liked to dance. There was Sparklin Indigo. And there was Ayern, whom was always there with a smile.

There were a few small problems. There was one guy whom somehow got a picture of Kara and Kana at a party. Apparently, he was showing it around, much to Kara’s embarrassment as she was a little shy. Then there was the incident in which someone was rather rude to us, continuing to call us “freaks.” Fortunately Schism was able to shock him so badly, the pest ported away.

One of Bob and Anna’s friends was Sean Voss. He was an avid explorer of Second Life, even publishing a book in real life about the best locations in the Grid. He did weekly tours of places that caught his interest, and we joined and went on the tours, Blair and I being the ones who showed up the most. Sean helped me find a number of places for articles.

In November, I joined Second Life Newspaper, and I now had a steady source of income. A few more tips for Blair, and some of the cartoons I sent to the newspaper came from here. Later that month, the STA hosted an art show, so I was able to feature my hangout in the news. Talking to the artists there, Kara and I found a photographer whom took what became our profile photos.

The happy times continued to December. We continued to make the STA our hangout, but still explored around some. Kara, Schism, and I occasionally took a peek back at Luskwood, the others not so much because of the lag. Soon came Christmas and New Years. These were good times, swapping a few small presents, talking about what we got in real life. And with January came the new year, 2008. We went about as before, meeting up and hanging out, exploring, going to parties, such as the ones my newspaper then was holding, and otherwise having a great time. One of the STA staff, Sparks Indigo, started up a small club in another sim. It seemed there was no end to the good times.

Then on January 25 came a shock. The STA organization canceled it’s support for the two sims Bob and Anna ran, and gave us only a few hours notice before the place was set to de-rezz. Stunned, my friends could only hang around until the end, porting to someplace nearby after it was gone. I logged in after work to get the news. It was truly a shock. Our hangout, our home in Second Life ... gone. Kara was almost in tears.

Then came more trouble. Kara had a stalker. It seems Kara met up and befriended someone at Luskwood months earlier just before his computer went kablooie, and somehow he had interpreted her words of kindness as romantic intentions over the four months he was saving up for a new computer. And when the shocked Kara tried to explain that wasn’t her intention, he went ballistic.

Eventually Schism was able to talk some sense into him. But the damage was done. Without the place she had known as home in Second Life for months, with her sense of security shattered, she told the rest of us she would be leaving, at the least for a few months, but possibly for good. At a hollow tree at a sandbox which had become our new hangout, she gave each of us a hug, and logged out.

With Kara gone, it was like the heart of our group was gone. Her roommate Kana still logged on, saying Kara was busy with college. At one point, Texas was threatened by a hurricaine. Kana told me she and Kara ended up having to spend a few days with family deeper inland. We continued to hang out at the sandbox tree, having a few parties at Spark’s club. Bob never returned to Second Life. Anna built a flower shop, which remains open to this day. We began hanging out with a bunny couple, Fortunas Sands and Caleia whom ran another club, the Fortelia club. But unfortunately troubles soon forced them to close, and Sparks soon had to close her club as well. Kana herself became a builder, showing up often in a macro av, leading to a few “fifty foot woman” jokes.

Finally in May, Kara returned, which was joyous news. But it didn’t last. After a short time, she told us she was going for good. Summer 2008 was the last time I saw her avatar to avatar. I saw her log on a few times after that, but never got an answer to my IM greetings.

She was gone.

Kana soon left for personal reasons, and then the group began to slowly drift apart. We were meeting less and less. Balt became the only one I met up with more than rarely. My work as a reporter on the Grid kept me going on my business, and eventually the road would take me to other friends, and new hangouts and homes.

But I never did forget Kara. She once told me shy as she was in Second Life, in real life she was worse. She told me if I ever greeted her hello in her real life, she’d just shy away. But one as involved in Second Life as I am, I never did forget my first good friend here. Someone whose bright smile and cheery manner helped encourage me to be more involved here, and start on the road which took me where I am now.

Here’s to you, Kara Nakamori.

Bixyl Shuftan