Ask Dr. Philly: "Pointing Out 'That Guy' "

Dr. Philly,

I'm a club manager of a venue that serves both the community it's in, and has also attracted a small following of those from outside. One way I publicize it is through my Facebook feed. 

Well, one evening someone plasters an image of a woman doing unspeakable acts with animals, followed by an angry rant spewing hatred of Second Life. He claimed to be the owner of a couple sims whom had people doing the most vile things from child rape to bestiality on his land, saying the Lab closed his sims and threw him out of the Grid. He denounced our virtual world as a land of the most sickening perversions, and demanded if I had any decency at all, I would leave and help spread word of "the truth" about Second Life.

My response was to delete the his comment. While I can take an insult, I couldn't have that image he posted due to it's graphic nature and it being against Facebook Terms of Service. Well, his response was fury. Accusing me of covering up "the truth," and defending perversion, rape, child abuse, and all sorts of other crimes. Finally, he told me he'd be reporting me to Facebook to get me banned.

Dr. Philly, if what this guy says happened to him is true, it was wrong. But I can't accept his hate either. While I don't know exact numbers of these sorts of sims, it was months before I came across so much as a girly bar here in Second Life. Let alone a "kink club" of which I've heard tales about, but only saw for myself when a friend TPed me in one one as a joke, well over a few years after I came here. To paraphrase a Dutch friend, Holland is not just a few "red light" city blocks in Amsterdamn, and Second Life is not a handful of hardcore RP sims that very few of it's residents ever set foot in.

I still feel mad about what he did, and he's been posting his hate on his own Facebook page. Shall I counteract them in his own comments? And do I have anything to worry about by his ban threat?

Pointy-Haired Manager


To the Point,

   These kinds of civil disputes can be very tangled affairs and in many cases neither party is 100% right. In an arbitration, we would first get a detailed description, from each, describing the problem from their own perspective. Step two, make each read the other's description. That done, we can now ask meaningful questions. If the man owned the sims and things were being done that he does not allow, why was he letting them stay? Why does he target your club, instead of the ones on his sims? If he is so against "porn," why is he spreading it in a public setting?

   The fact is, one,there are many such adult clubs in SL, which work within the rules and two, if an individual has a bad opinion of a person or place, it's just that, an opinion. Opinions aren't rules, until you get a majority to vote on them. Another thing to remember is, Second life is the product of over 44 million imaginations. The tricky thing about the imagination is, it has no picture for the word "NOT." If you put a "Thou shall not..." in your mind, it immediately goes about drawing it to you.

Far more powerful than a mere physical brain, our minds can magically create anything it pictures. There is no Top Secret plan to keep you from gaining super mind powers. You just haven't asked the right question yet. Conflicts end as soon as both parties imagine a solution, as a picture where everybody has a happy ending and maybe even a new friend.

   This has proven true through out my life, but I don't ask anybody to just take my word for it. I can only hope that I have stirred your curiosity enough to test it for yourself.

Still waiting for the fat lady to sing,
   Dr. Philly

===========================

Hey Doc,

   I can't help but notice that you and your little bunny friend, Sha, are somewhat better known and more influential in your community than I am in mine, despite your having been in SL for fewer years than I have. If we all start out second life with the same abilities and bank account, how is it that some seem to be born with a silver spoon in their mouth? If, on the other hand, we all have the same potential to become noteworthy, influential members of the community, there must be some skill involved, that I, one of tens of millions in SL, could learn and develop and thereby get my own silver spoon. As a "Pro", are there any "tricks of the trade" that you could pass on to us little guys, to help elevate our position in the community?

Signed,
   That Guy in episode 81 of Galaxy Quest

Hey you Guys,

   No doubt, we have all heard, when it comes to turning ideas into forms of reality, expressions like "Money talks" and "Follow the money". The same principles are at work, whether we are in a real or virtual world, so it is important to understand what money is and how it works. In and of itself, a dollar is no more valuable than a piece of paper or any rock on the ground. Money gets it value because it is a good conduit for turning ideas into form. Keep in mind, money is not the only path that ideas can take. It is not even the best way of connecting ideas and forms. Like computers, our mind energy can have a wired or wireless connection to the "get'er done" network. By learning to mix the mental energy (an ideal) with some emotional energy (enthusiasm) and a little physical energy (rolling up your sleeves and getting a little dirt on your hands), you can convert any molehill into a mountain, without spending a single L$. How, you ask? John Lennon said it best, in his song, "Imagine".

In "real life", we have money for the necessities, like food, clothing and shelter. In Secondlife, we don't ever require food or even air. You can spend all day walking on the bottom of the sea or the moon and never take a breath. On the Marketplace, there are enough free items to fill any needs. Shelter is totally unneeded, because there are no elements that can harm us. Home is a handy place to open your new items, but there are lots of other places to do that, without the need of paying rent. What about money for things that aren't free? How do I get L$s to buy cool stuff? You mentioned my "little bunny friend". With her hundreds of avatars, each with the latest selection of mods and clothing, the castles, vehicles and other rich girl toys, it might surprise you to learn that, until recently, she never bought any Linden dollars. If there seems to be a silver spoon in her mouth, it is because she imagined one there, from day one. Imagination is the principle currency in Secondlife. When we log into the grid, we have a picture in our mind of who our avatar is and what it's position is in the community. When you are in world, there is an entire network of computers dedicated to turning the pictures in your mind into a virtual world around you. If you want a better world, begin with putting better pictures in your mind. Does something this simple really work? Yes, 100%, so give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Imagine that,
   Dr. Philly

Ask Dr. Philly: "Up The Wall With The Blues"

To Doctor Philly,

   I have some friends, on the sim I live on, that I would love to be closer with. The problem is, they seem to be unresponsive, in conversations, most of the time. Sometimes it's like they are on another planet and radio communication takes a half hour to get there and back. I try to be patient, but there are times when I feel tempted to push them out a hole in my skybox floor. I've even seen one of them A.F.K., several times, when she was dancing on a pole for tips. What's wrong with these people and what can be done to make them fit in better?
signed,
 Talks to walls

Peace Talks,
   Communication breakdowns are always irritating. Fortunately, science can lead us to finding ways to improve the art of communicating. At every scale, from individual sub-atomic quarks to the entire universe itself, we observe life forms. These countless life forms all share two desires; to be individuals, making their own choices and to gather with others of their kind, to form a synthetic greater life form. Quarks join to make sub-atomic particles, which join to make atoms, which form molecules, cells, plant and animal bodies, etc. The incentive for forming greater life forms is the synergistic increase of powers and abilities. The greater life is much greater than the sum of it's little life parts. In order for little lives to gather into greater ones, they must surrender part of their own self- determination, for the good of the group. Each modifies it's behavior/mannerisms, depending on position within the greater body and how it may be most useful there. A cell that is acting in the right manner could be said to have "good manners." A cell with bad manners will be an irritant to the rest of the body and will be eliminated, out the back door.

When somebody in the room is asleep at the wheel (AFK), they are, temporarily not one with the group. Commune means "with one." We all have to get up from the keyboard, now and then. The best way to avoid any disturbance to the rest of the group is to excercise good manners. If you need to step away from the group and not be cut out, give them a BRB (be right back) followed by a BACK, on your return.
We can't force others to have good manners, but we can set good examples and let others know that manners are appreciated. In the meanwhile, at least you know, when you talk to your walls, they aren't  going to just walk off from you.

At your service,
Dr. Philly

-----------------------------------------------------

Dear Doc,
   I love that in SL I can be anything and do anything I want. Lately, one of my friends has been saying that I should pick the best avatar, species and gender and stay that way all the time. That doesn't sound like fun, to me. Is there some kind of rule that I don't know about? Am I allowed to have fun or not?
signed,
  Stuck inside of foxes with the bunny blues again

Dear Stuck,
   The main purpose of any universe, real or virtual, is to answer every single "What If" question that can be asked. The quest for answers brings a never ending stream of new experiences. With each question that's answered, we "Become" something that's New and Improved. I'm fond of telling folks that "Even an old god can learn new tricks."  In some old, mistranslated writings, a prophet asks God his name, to which the reply was, "I am that I am." We have confirmed that the correct translation should be "I am BECOMING that which I will become."

I don't know all the official rules in Second Life, but the top of any list should say, "Thou shall have great fun, gaining new experiences and becoming all you can become.

From the horse's mouth,
Dr. Philly

Ask Dr. Phily: "Between a Rock and a Shady Place."

Dear Dr. Philly,

   Through some misunderstandings, I feel that the administrators of the sim and some of the residents are angry at me and want to do me harm. I have taken this up, with those in charge and been told I can stay, but still feel unsafe in my home. I am just a little guy. What can I do to get out of this mess?

Signed,
   A.F.K. under my rock




 To Mr. K.,

   Can I call you A? I'm going to let you in on a very little known important secret on how things get done, anywhere in the universe, RL and SL included. Everything in the universe that we call "matter" has it's roots in an idea that mattered. That idea inspires minds to create images of it. We call that "Imagination". Our feelings enthusiastically take up these images and create electro-magnetic meshes which draw pre-existing matters to give the original idea a solid form. Long story short, everything that's happening around us is being cooked up in our imaginations, like it or not. Don't just take my word for it. You have to prove it for yourself. I know you have an imagination, or you wouldn't be in SL. Put and develop in your mind the image that you are "That Guy". That guy, who everybody likes and respects and says hi to, when he walks in a room. That guy, that everybody is friends with and smiles every time they think of him. Keep your image free of any negative qualities. Have good, happy feelings about your image. When the image and feelings are complete, drop it, forget about it. Right on time, you will become "That Guy"

  Dr. Philly

 ++++++++++++++++

Dear Doc,

   I have an anoying new neighbor, that's driving me and my friends nuts. Whenever he's around, it's always talk about doom and gloom, we're all gonna die. Dude, it's a GAME, get over it! If I ban him from my home, that would only add more stress. Can you give me a more civilized way to handle this guy?

signed,
   Peeks-Thru-Shades




 To Peeks,

   I think you will like my "High Tech" methods of handling group conflicts. In the process, we'll also share some ideas about how time works. We'll check the weather forcast, before we proceed. When it comes to predicting the path of dangerous storms, Meteorologists use "computer models", which can be run using a different set of "what ifs", hundreds of times per minute, ending in the most probable path. The actual storm path takes days to finish. The computer model path takes a nano second. Same paths, different time scale.

  If we step back and take a look at Second Life as a method of running computer models of interpersonal relationships, we can find the shortest behavioral path to a "happily ever after" civilization. In a one hour movie or TV show, all the events shown cover more than one hour's time. For the person at the keyboard, the soul of the avatar, an hour of movie or an hour of SL both offer the same amount of new experience. The added advantage in SL is that we each write our own lines, in each new daily episode of a sitcom and the length of time you spend in world is equal to one day's experience to both the avatar and it's soul. This accounts for why we have all felt that time is faster in SL. We are all variables in a computer model society. We can write our own scripts, but not those of others. Over time, we can influence what others write. The important trick is, don't keep playing the same re-runs each day. With each new episode, make your av say and do things that might help steer the show to a happy ending. With a little practice, you WILL get good results.

Open your shades, your front door, hit [Ctrl]+[Shift]+[Y] and let that SLun shine in.

Dr.Philly

Ask DrFran: Dancing Queens Drama

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I don’t think you can help with this, but I am giving it a shot anyway. I have a friend—no, not me—and I am just about to give up on her. Before I do that, I wanted to ask you about the situation.

My girlfriends and I are a close-knit group. We do a lot of the things most girls do in Second Life™: shop, dance, go to parties, and talk, talk, talk in voice. We do have a few guy friends who come along with us, but mostly we are together having laughs. It’s really nice, or at least it was really nice until recently.

We are always ready to incorporate new ladies into our group, and Brittany seemed a perfect addition, with her quick wit and Australian accent. She quickly caught on to our ways, and became an important member of our shopping expeditions. She changed clothes even more than all of us, and her taste, while different, was very interesting. Things could not have been better, and we all enjoyed having Brittany with us on our jaunts.

Every crowd of girls has a ringleader, who is the person who generally sets the agenda for the get-togethers, and decides what is to be done. Rowena is our mistress of ceremonies, and most of us are more than happy to do whatever she suggests for our romps through the virtual world.

Our new friend Brittany seemed very taken with Rowena, and spent more and more time with us, seeming to court favor with our leader. There didn’t seem to be anything unusual about this initially, but that all changed one day when Rowena didn’t respond in a timely way to an IM that Brittany sent her.

Brittany started to IM all of the other girls to ask why Rowena was ignoring her. We all know that sometimes Rowena gets involved in things and doesn’t pay attention to her IMs, and none of us was particularly bothered by this. We knew that sooner or later Rowena would look up and see her IMs. However, Brittany was not able to just accept the situation. She kept IMing us and her questions evolved from asking why Rowena wasn’t responding to her IMs, to why was she always left out of everything, and she wasn’t going to take it anymore, and she needed real friends, not untrustworthy people like Rowena. We were all pretty shaken by what developed, but Rowena patched it up with Brittany and the group partied on.

Sadly, this scenario of Brittany melting down whenever she perceived that she did not get enough attention from Rowena continued and got stronger and stronger. She un-friended and re-friended her several times. She attempted to enlist us in taking sides, and helping to negotiate discussions about her lack of attention. She said: “I can’t take this anymore!” so many times that we stopped listening.

All of us really had enough, and were ready to say good-bye to our newest member, but a few of us had the good sense to realize that people who behave this way are usually dealing with some sort of trauma from the past, and have little skill in dealing with it. That was when I thought of asking you what to do.

Is there anything we can do to help Brittany be one of us? Thanks, 

One of the Crowd

Dear One of:

Thanks for your letter, and for your concern. I think it’s admirable that you have such compassion for this person. Most people in SL would have dumped Brittany the moment that she started to cause disruptions in the group.

You are probably correct in your assessment of the situation. Brittany most likely is responding to her present time as if it was the past. We all do this. The relics of our childhood remain with us; usually throughout our lives.  A child who grew up being severely criticized will almost always be sensitive to criticism. Since all of us—this writer included—don’t really think about the connection with the past, we are doomed to repeat old patterns and habits. Whatever Brittany is going through is not really what is going on in the group of girls in Second Life™, but something that is a reenactment of something from her childhood. If, for example, Brittany was the child who was left out of things by her mother, she may be responding to Rowena as if she was the mother who left her out. Of course, I am merely speculating about the exact circumstances, but the intensity of Brittany’s responses makes it clear that the past is calling her.

Your question asked about what to do about this. Unfortunately, my response is neither a quick fix, nor a fix at all. It is Brittany’s job to find out how to get past this problem. The only thing you and your girlfriends can do is find some way to stick with her, despite her maddening behavior. Brittany lacks the ability to trust others, and feel at ease with them. You ladies can help her by being constant no matter how angry she becomes. If you keep letting her back in she may start to feel more comfortable in the group and lose the need to be constantly validated by Rowena.

I wish you luck and stamina, as that is what will be required to break through this roadblock in your group’s progress. Let me know how you make out. 

Affectionately, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Ask DrFran: Is Second Life™ Addictive?

By DrFran Babcock

This week’s column is a little bit different in that it was inspired by an IM I got from a friend asking me to help a friend. While I write this column; I prefer not to “help” people in world, because there are too many possibilities for problems to arise. It’s just ethical to avoid this. However, my friend’s request got me thinking.

This friend wanted to know if there was a possibility that someone could spend too much time in Second Life. She told me a story about a friend whose First Life family were becoming upset because she was spending long hours in world, and was not interacting with anyone at home. This question allows me to address two things that are very important to me as beliefs in humanity, and beliefs about addiction.

You Can’t Help Anyone

I know, I know. You are saying to yourself: You are wrong DrFran, there’s always a chance that someone can be helped. Actually, I don’t agree with that. People do not get better until they themselves want to get better. One of the most common phone calls or emails that I get at work goes something like this: My daughter has a terrible eating disorder. I am afraid that she is going to starve to death. No matter what I do she refuses to eat, and this has turned into huge power struggles and fights to get her to eat even the smallest morsel of food. I want her to come into the hospital and get some help. She really needs it.

What I respond to this mother will probably anger you, but it’s really all that can be done. I say: I am really sorry for the problem you are having. I would be more than happy to talk with your daughter if she will just call me. Otherwise there is nothing I can do. I know how badly you want to help her, but you really can’t want this more than she does. I would advise you to call 911 (USA emergency ambulance) if she falls ill, but that’s really all you can do.

Horrors, you say? Well, no…just think about it for a minute. Have you ever wanted someone to love you with all of your heart and soul? Wishing doesn’t make things so, and wanting things for other people is a waste of energy. I have never made a single change in my life because others wanted it for me, but only when I finally wanted it for myself. I really hope this young girl calls me, because I do have tools to help individuals who might be anorexic find a way out of the need to starve.

DrFran’s Take on Addiction

Again, you may disagree with me, but I have a very functional definition of addiction. I spend a ton of hours in Second Life. I love it dearly. However, I work a full time administrative job, teach a graduate school level university class once a year, pay all my bills on time, and manage to stay in good health. I have a small group of male and female friends with whom I go out to eat, the movies, and into New York to see museums and shows. All in all, a pretty well balanced life for someone who does not have familial obligations. Thus, I can spend long periods of time in Second Life™ without it compromising the parts of my life that make me a functioning adult.

If you are someone who misses days from work, has no money to pay bills because of your tier, avoids family and friends to remain in world, or does things that have a negative effect on your day-to-day life, then in my definition you may be an addict. To me, an addict is someone who screws up their life, knows they might be doing that, but they are not able to stop. The horror of addiction is this: One day the addict generally reaches a point where the substance, thing, act, behavior to which they are addicted is no longer able to give them the pleasure it once did. In spite of this the though of stopping is terrifying. Once someone is so habitual in their use of, for example Second Life™, that they don’t know what to do without it, but can’t stand being involved in it either, they are caught in a tragic trap. Stopping or not stopping will not help the problem. Of course, stopping is really what’s needed in this case, but until the person realizes it, nothing and nobody can make that happen.

So, when I say that it’s up to each individual to decide for themselves if they are an addict, I really mean what I say. I might believe you have a problem, but only you can fix it.

Wishing I had happier news to share…much love,

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: The Green-Eyed Monster

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I never thought that I would be someone who would write to you. I mean, I have never really had much in the way of problems in my life, and haven’t really had the need to ask for help. I seem to have become another person lately.

It’s funny, in a way, because many people believe that Second Life™ is the place to become someone other than the human you are—to try on a new persona.  The new “me” should have been someone with better values and qualities to admire. Yet, I have become someone I would look upon with scorn.

I was not looking for romance in Second Life™. I was at a concert of a performer whom I like a lot, when I received an IM from someone I didn’t know. They asked me about something I had in my profile that had to do with an interest in railroads in Second Life™. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that it was a pick up line, I responded, and we chatted happily while listening to the music. It turned out that Carl liked this singer as much as I did, and that we had a few other interests in common. He was involved in the mainland railroads, and we shared about sims we had visited with active trains. He mentioned a few other places to which I had never been that had great train sets on them. I didn’t think anything of it, and logged when the concert was over.

The following day, Carl IMed me, sent me a friend request, and asked me if I wanted to see some of the beautiful train sims we had chatted about. I agreed, and we spent a very pleasurable few hours visiting the NY Healthscape sims, which have a long train ride on them, and a group of Japanese sims that had a monorail.

Fast forward to three months later, and Carl and I are spending most of our time in Second Life together. I never realized how close you can become to someone when you only have  voice or typing for commnication.

Slowly, I found myself becoming very dependent upon Carl for passing the hours in world. It was such a gradual transition, that it took me by surprise when he didn’t log in one day, and I found myself in a sad and angry state. This was so not me. I am not someone who moons over guys, and Carl wasn’t even a flesh and blood presence in my life. What the heck was going on?

I couldn’t believe that I had been moved to such an extreme of emotion, so I was not prepared for what followed. Carl was not about much any more. I remembered that he had told me the name of an alt he used, he said, when he was working on the mainland train and trolley lines. I searched for the name of the alt, and was surprised to find that the alt was online.

What I did next was shameful. Even now, as I think of it, I redden and dislike myself. I logged in an alt, and IMed Carl’s alt. I made up a silly excuse about a trolley on the mainland line malfunctioning and his name was on the vehicle. He asked for a TP, and we spent a few minutes chatting.  I scrutinized his profile and saw a pick for his home location.  I went on the Marketplace and spent a lot of Lindens on a spy HUD.

In the following days I hung out near Carl’s alt’s home sim, and waited with the spy HUD. It only took two days before I found him several thousand meters away on his sim. There was another green dot on the map with him. Knowing that he might not even remember my alt, I TPed over to his location, and spied behind the walls to find him in an embrace with another female avatar.

I teleported away, but frankly, I don’t kno whether to be more upset about his infidelity, or the way I behaved. This jealous, stalking behavior—where did it come from? In truth, I haven’t stopped. I keep stalking both avatars whenever I can. I have map rights on Carl, and check out where he is whenever I can. It takes all my willpower not to teleport right up to him and confront him. I have been so ashamed that I have stopped speaking with him, and log on at times when I know he cannot be in world.

Help me to make sense of this, DrFran. 

Sign me: Jealous Fool


Dear Jealous:

I can see how Carl’s behavior was hurtful, and could have brought about the response that you describe. I don’t really have a lot of information about Carl from your letter, and will have to speak in generalities. I congratulate you on the bravery it must have taken to write to me about this.

Human nature is odd, and we can never know when something will happen that will trigger a response in us that seems out of character. A good example of this is when people behave in extraordinarily brave ways when a crisis occurs.  Conversly, the worst in us can come out in certain situations. We all have a dark side; all of us. It is impossible to be human without it. Most of the time this side of us doesn’t surface. The response to Carl pulling away from you must have reminded you of some long ago loss of a person’s attention.

Psych 101 quickie class: Whenever I have a strong reaction to a seemingly neutral or upsetting situation, there is information I can learn. For example: I grew up in a home where mistakes and failures were just not permitted. If I came home with a 99% on a test, I was asked why I hadn’t gotten a 100% on the test. Of course, as an adult, I have come to understand that a 99% is a damned good grade. However, any time I feel that I am being criticized, or told that my work is not up to par, I really start to freak out. I am able to say to myself: “That was then, and this is now,” and I avoid a melt down. When I was younger, it was not so easy.

What I think you need to think about, Jealous is if you can make a connection with Carl’s infidelity. As I said, I don’t have enough information to even make a guess as to what it might be. However, I do think that someone in your early years did something that you may have interpreted as a betrayal.

Stalkers often behave as they do because they feel a loss of control, when someone pulls away from them. The more the person detaches from them; the stronger the urge to cling, and to demand information. This only pushes the person further away. Therefore, the only suggestion I have beyond looking into your past, is to stop the behavior immediately. If you can resist checking up on Carl, you will find over time, that the impulse to know what he’s up to will fade. I know it doesn’t feel that way just at this moment, but it’s so. Please don’t confront him. This will never turn out well.

Please let me know how you make out, if you uncover any past betrayals, or if you have an update on your relationship with Carl.

Fondly, DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "A Buddy Comes Out"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

In real life, I’m a bit afraid of gays, or "homer-sexuals" as my Dad called them. He considered them bad news as men in general had only one thing on their mind, and gays were different only in they'd be after your behind instead of bragging to you about how much they got. A friendship with one, he told me, was impossible. And he felt that if any were dumb enough to show themselves back in the farm community he grew up in, the expression "he needed killin’" might be brought to bear.

Coming to Second Life™, I found a few, but not many, at least among the men. There have been a few in their profile who called themselves "bisexual," but not many male homosexuals. Maybe in SL's Libertarian "mind your own business" attitude, most keep quiet about it, but I can only guess. But some haven't. Some kept to themselves. Others acted like my Old Man warned me they would, being pests and flirting with any guy who was unlucky enough to draw their attention.

For most of the time, I didn't think too much about the subject, being occupied with going about in Second Life™ and making friends. Among my first friends was "Kay" (not his real SL name) a short, furry guy who liked music and would occasionally play at music events at a favorite hangout of mine. We would also talk with other friends about computer games and goings on in SL and first life, as well as places we’d seen. We'd also do some activities together, such as a weekly tour group in SL. He could be a little sad at times, saying he had trouble finding someone in real life, but I thought nothing of it.

Then after over a year, Kay told me he had a bit of news. He admitted he was gay. He told me he had dated girls in first life, but just couldn't feel an attraction. This bit of news was stunning. I thought I had known him, and it turned out I hadn’t.

I didn't feel afraid of him—between his small size and his passive, well-mannered attitude. But what did make me worry was when Kay told us who he was in a relationship with. The guy, who was not really gay but bisexual, was known to be a troublemaker, harassing a lady friend of ours in first life. I reminded him of that, saying this guy had been bad news. But he persisted, showing up with him at his side. So I acted friendly, hoping my buddy was right in that he changed.

As it turned out, the troublemaker hadn’t changed. Some time later, I heard from a mutual friend they had broken up. It was a few days later when Kay finally logged back on. I met up with him, and my buddy was in tears. He had found his partner in bed with another guy, basically laughing off their relationship. He had not only given his heart and found it thrown back at him, but in exposing his biggest secret, many ‘friends’ had stopped talking to him. He felt more depressed than ever.

It was at this point I did something I thought I’d never do. I gave the guy a hug—first time on SL I had ever done so to another male.

Kay remained on Second Life™ a little longer, but eventually he stopped coming on a regular basis. He would pop in once in a while to say hello, but he had more or less moved on.

I’m not wondering what makes a guy gay. Whatever happened, he didn't ask for it. But what I do wonder is what made him “come out?” There are many stories of guys who have done so, only to be shunned by friends and family alike. Surely he would have known. Why couldn't he have just kept quiet about it? 

Wondering


Dear Wondering:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter and question. It is a testament to your maturity that you did not go on to embrace unquestioningly the beliefs of your father, as so many people have over time. You have had the ability to see things for yourself, and to take people as you meet them, without prejudice (note: prejudice means to pre-judge, and you didn’t).

Kay is not an unusual case. I have met many gay men and lesbians in my days on the grid. Second Life™ can provide a hiding place for people who have secrets. My own belief is that no matter where you go; there you are. No amount of running and hiding can allow a person to hide from themselves. The pain of not being truly who one believes themself to be is often unbearable for people. I believe that is what was behind Kay’s need to “come out.” Kay was unable to be who he was, and that dishonesty hurts people. I don’t know if you have ever had to appear in a human avatar in Second Life™, but if you did you might know what I am talking about. I believe you said you are a furry, and that is your identity here on the Grid. So, imagine having to act “human” here, and interact with friends and lovers as a human, when every cell in your body tells you that you are a fur. Most people could not do that for any length of time.

I am sure that Kay was well aware of the stigma of being homosexual. Despite all of the growth we residents have made and show, many folks still fear “homer-sexuals” Kay took a risk that he had to take.

On a more psychological note: It has been my experience that gays and lesbians prefer to have their affections returned. A homosexual who pursues a straight person is probably dealing with emotional difficulties. It’s no different than the woman or man who always seems to find the one person who will not or cannot return their love. Generally, without some insight they are unable to change this behavior, and will go on looking for love in all the wrong places for the rest of their life.

Kay made a bad choice in a partner; something you and his other friends warned him about, but without success. Is this any different than a straight relationship? I think not. People will love the wrong people, but mostly they will pursue people whom they think will like them. Poor Kay will heal, but his experience in Second Life™ may have soured him for future attempts at being gay here. Not because he is gay, but because he had a bad experience.

Your hug was an expression of true caring and compassion. I applaud you for the bravery it must have taken. Think for a moment…Kay didn’t pursue you romantically, so he must have seen you for what you are: his friend. Maybe he will make another try in Second Life™. We know there is no way to say, but I am glad that he has your for a friend should he try to stick his snout in again.

Thanks for your heartfelt letter.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: Where is the Meaning?

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

I have been in Second Life™ for a few years, and have enjoyed almost every second of it. I am not much of a creative person, but I love to meet people, chat, go to clubs and dance, shop until I drop, and sail on the Linden Lab seas. As you can see, I have a pretty fulfilling and fun-filled time. I have had a few boyfriends, and unlike some of the people who write to you, I wear these relationships loosely, neither grieving nor exalting when they are over. My philosophy is: Live and Let Live, and it has always worked for me. At least, it worked until recently.

I have been finding, ever so slowly but persistently, that I am feeling a sense of emptiness on an almost daily basis. It’s a little bit hard to describe, but I will try. The other day I was with my two best friends—Shanna and Tiffany—in Gizza checking out their new Spring line of clothes. We were laughing and having a great time, as usual, and the clothes were gorgeous. Out of nowhere the thought came to me: “There has to be more to Second Life™ than this.” Following that thought, I felt a deep sadness, which grabbed me, and did not let go. After a time fooling around with my friends, I told them I had to log off to do some errands (a lie), and I shut my computer off, and moped.

Since that time, the feeling comes and goes with greater frequency. I wouldn’t say that I am bored. I do enjoy the things I am doing when I log in. It’s just that I feel as if there should be more. I have started to search for places in Second Life™ that might offer me a glimpse into meaning: I visited a Buddhist Temple, a church, different philosophy islands, and nothing really gave me what I needed. Worst of all is that I am not at all sure what it is I need. I only know that how I use my time in world now is not enough. I feel shallow, and I want to find some depth to my Second Life™.

DrFran, do you have any ideas what could be going on, and what I can do about it? 

Thanks, 

Devoid

Dear Devoid: I am so taken by your honesty and insight. You seem to have arrived at a place that most people never get to visit. The sad truth is that most folks go through their lives (first or second) with their eyes closed to everything that is going on around them. What happens when they “wake up” is that they often begin to question the meaning of what they are doing. Congratulations on waking up, Devoid, because this signals the chance for you to move in a growth direction, and make an in world experience that will be deeper and full of the meaning you seek.

I am glad that you are asking me this question at this time of the year, because it is a time when Second Life™ shines the brightest, because of its altruism. You see, I believe that we get meaning from life when we unselfishly give and do for others. The annual Relay for Life season is in full swing. Every year, residents of Second Life™ form teams to raise money for the American Cancer Society. One Linden is not worth much money, it’s true, but together the Second Life™ Relay for Life team raised US$375,385 to fight cancer!!! Anyone and everyone is invited to participate, and there are still many teams that are looking for or need membership. There is a link at the end that can help you see the teams that might need help.

If fighting against cancer is not your thing, there are plenty of other charities in which residents can participate.  Just about every charity that exists in First Life has a twin in the virtual world. I recommend highly finding a way to move from self-contemplation, and into thinking about others. You, and your girlfriends could even find your own charity to sponsor. Maybe this effort will bring some more meaning into your life. Cheers, DrFran

Relay for Life in Second Life™: http://rflofsl.intuitwebsites.com

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

DrFran Babcock

Ask DrFran: How Can I Get Him Back?

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I am sure that you can help me with this problem I have been having for a few months. Since my boyfriend and I have broken up, I have been pining for him, and can’t get him out of my mind. The funny thing is that it was me who broke up the relationship.

Fred (not his real name) and I have been an item for a long time by Second Life™ standards. Just before the break up I was starting to feel a bit neglected, and wondering if Fred was seeing someone else here—something that is all too easy to do in this virtual world. I got really angry with him one night, and just unfriended him, and refused to speak with him for a while.

Now, several months later, I find that I miss him terribly. He kept Instant Messaging me after the break up, even though I did not return the messages. One day I did respond to an IM, and I found that feelings of having missed him started to well up in me. I realized that I had made a mistake in breaking up in such a dramatic way.

DrFran, although we haven’t re-friended (he says he was too hurt to let an unfriending happen again) we still do speak often. I have no way to know if he is online, nor does he know about me. Therefore, it takes some effort for us to chat, but it does seem to happen.

I want us to be back together, but that hasn’t happened. Yet, I think that he is really wanting the same thing, but just afraid to try being a couple again. I keep giving him gifts of builds I have made. In fact, he used one on his land. I started to wear purple hair, because I know it’s his favorite color. I try to stay in world at times when I think he will be online. I have even told him that I still care for him. What can I do to encourage him to take me back? I just know it’s what he wants. 

 Wanting

Dear Wanting: Sometimes I really hate my job. I get letters such as yours, filled with hopes and dreams for a better future all the time. How can I get him back? That’s probably the number one question I get asked. If you listen to popular music, you will hear songs about: “Come back to me,” all the time. Loss is a big part of being a human, and here in Second Life™ things feel even more intense. So, your loss is a great one.

The reason I hate my job at times, is because I have to tell people bad news. Wanting, the bad news is that more than likely Fred is not coming back. How do I know this? Well, (guys cover your ears) men are not very complex when it comes to women. When a guy wants a woman, he will usually go and get her. There’s none of the doubt and obsession, and constant inner debating that is the work of women throughout the world.

If Fred wanted to be back with you; he would so be there. I know you will try to tell me that he’s shy, or maybe he was hurt and is being careful. Invoking the world of the old Magic 8 ball: Odds are not in your favor. Fred is being nice, because most people would rather eat glass than look like a bad guy. So, he chats with you, may even IM you first, will accept your gifts, and other signs that he is coming back. He wouldn’t friend with you, and that is big. Did you feel rejected by that? It was a rejection, in my opinion.

There is nothing that you can do—no hair color, gift, availability, etc.—that will bring Fred back unless that’s what he wants to do. When people push, I always remember what Princess Leia said to Darth Vader, when he was trying to force information out of her: The tighter you squeeze; the more star systems will slip through your fingers. People hate feeling manipulated and forced. I am sure you do, as well.

My advice, since you asked, is to go one with your second life. If Fred wants to be back in your life, he will do that. Otherwise, you moving on is the only way to ensure that you will get to enjoy your time here. I hope you decide to let go, move on, and enjoy all those things you deserve. By the way: Purple hair? Well, Relay for Life is in full swing, so maybe your hair will do for that, but it won’t get Mr. Wont-be-your-Friend back in your life. 

Cheers, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: Lonely; Not Alone

Dear DrFran:

My Second Life girlfriend, Daisy, is the love of my life. Since we met  we have been together all the time. I have come to depend on her for planning all of our activities. She dresses me, she buys the furniture in our house, she suggests land to buy, etc. She is like a busy bee, always flittering about. Of course, I wouldn’t be writing you DrFran, if things were all rosey.

About a month ago, Daisy got a job here working for one of the big estate holders. She is responsible for responding to renters requests when she is on duty, and the owner of the estates has come to rely upon her, for building parts of the islands, and other duties. It’s not surprising as Daisy is most capable. The problem for me is that she is never available any more to do the things we used to do, and I spend a lot of time just sitting around and waiting for her to have time. I don’t think she’s cheating on me. She just seems to be busy all the time. Even more, with the Relay for Life season approaching, she will be even busier. Please tell me what to do? 

Yours, 

Alone Again.

Dear AA: Your last sentence kind of sums things up: Please tell me what to do? Why should any grown person need someone else to tell them what to do? It seems that Daisy was helping you to live, and you became so dependent upon her direction that you somehow lost the ability to think for yourself. I am not surprised that she has become busy elsewhere. Relationships need to be about give and take, and the one you describe is a bit one-sided.

I have no idea how to get Daisy to come back to you. However I do have some ideas for you. The best way to make yourself attractive to another person is to have your own interests and pursuits:

1.     I have said this before, and I will say it again: Do what you like in Second Life. You know that anything goes…so go do what you love. Love hockey? Well there are many hockey leagues in Second Life, same goes for all sports. I know many folks here who race cars happily, engage in wizardry tournaments, etc. There is something for everybody. Most important is that it is something you want to do.

2.     DrFran can be guilty of this next attribute, so be aware that I say what I say because of experience: DO NOT BE NEEDY. I can hear the whine in your voice, AA. I can’t tell you how unattractive that looks. I have lost first and Second Life partners by being clingy, demanding of time, or just “there,” wanting attention. See number one for what to do instead of waiting for your love to show up.

3.     Make some male friends. Friends are a great way to spend time in Second Life. The grid is enormous and filled with things of wonder and delight. Have you ever visited the Disney Parade? On the hour the characters march by to music. Silly fun, but fun nonetheless, and with a group of people, it’s even better. I don’t want you to think I am minimizing your feelings, or your ability to make friends, but it’s a lot easier in Second Life than in First Life. I find that all that is required is to speak up a bit in group settings. People are interested in people who seem alive with ideas and comments. If what you describe above is accurate, I have the feeling that people see you as just a shadow of your girlfriend, without a life of your own.

4.     Be honest: If you really care for Daisy, tell her so. This does NOT mean that you say it in a way that is a plea. True love is love that does not make a demand for reciprocation. State your love simply, and let it go. A person who loves you will heat that and respond.  A person who does not love you will never hear anything you say about love.

I hope this is helpful to you, AA. It is time for you to get your own Second Life. If not, I fear that Daisy will drift further and further away. Maybe next time you log in, you will follow your dreams, so that you can say: “Oh, I am sorry, I am busy with this trivia game,” next time. Maybe then, just maybe Daisy will see that you have a mind of your own, and that it makes you more attractive to her.

Please feel free to write to me again, and let me know how you make out. 

Yours, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "A Friend in Need"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:  

Second Life has a number of things to offer. One is the people. The variety of avatars certainly allows us to appear in a number of ways, such as my furry fox avatar. Then there's how our personalities show. In my first home, one of my neighbors was a gun-totting girl who loved to shoot things up once in a while. We never became an item, as she preferred other girls and was partnered to one, she a fur and her partner a human. Despite her being a "lezzie" as she called herself, the attention of guys wasn't necessarily unwelcome as long as it didn't go too far, her responding to whistles with a wink.

When the home went under after the owner couldn't afford to keep it up longer, I lost touch with many friends there. But we kept in touch with each other. Over time, we met more often, including a few rounds at firing ranges, and at combat sandboxes, watching each others' backs.

Then her partner dumped her, for reasons I never heard. My friend was naturally saddened, and I spent some extra time with her, listening to her. I thought she'd be be blue for a time, but her depression lingered and deepened. She felt worthless, despite my words of praise.

If she preferred the company of guys for intimate contact, I would have asked her out. But her preferring the company of girls, well, that option was out. I don't know what to do as the only other girl whom also did, she was partnered and she didn't know where my friend could find another.

What can I do to help my sad friend?

Worried Fox

Dear, dear Worried Fox:

People are generally very good and compassionate. I see how much you hurt for the pain of your friend, and I know that you are a decent soul. However, as much as we want folks to be happy and at peace with their lives, there is rarely anything that we can do to make this happen. True contentment comes from within, and is not dependent upon the acts of other people.

The best that anyone can do for another person is to listen and to validate their experience. People who feel that they are being heard by others seem to do very well. Sometimes when I work with patients I don’t even say a word. I am just there as a presence, a sounding board. Patients tell me: “That was the best session ever,” and don’t even realize that I have said nothing.

Another thing to consider is the nature of male female relationships. Remember that what I say is always my opinion, and this can differ from yours and others. I find that men and women can be friends, but usually best after they have had a love relationship. Many people disagree with me about this, but my exes here in Second Life and in First Life are my friends, after a period of being apart. My belief is that if you liked the person enough to go out with them, you probably like them. In your case, you hadn’t a chance to date your friend, and it would not have happened, based on her relationship preferences. It’s pretty well known that “lezzies” may sleep with men, but they really do prefer to be with women. However, this does not mean she couldn’t be your friend, and I guess she is.

The rules of attraction are so complicated. A very wise therapist once told me that when you are out and about you are dragging all your emotional luggage around with you. If you should stumble upon someone to whom you are attracted you throw your luggage into a heap with their luggage, and you hope you have a matched set. The pile of valises gets higher and higher each time we do this. And yet, many of us do it over and over again.

Worried Fox, I hope you have found some happiness, because it is very evident to me that you are a kind and caring fox. 

Fondly, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you

Ask DrFran: Grief Caused By Grief

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I am writing to you because someone suggested that I do so before I decide to close out my account. I am completely disgusted with Second Life, but others have convinced me to give it another try. Several incidents have happened that have me very, very upset. I am only in Second Life a month, and I have heard that most folks leave over the things I am about to talk about. I don’t want to be another of those people. Really, I don’t. I came here because I wanted to learn to build and to meet people, especially females for romance and having fun.

The first incident came when I was on one of the sandboxes over by the Ivory Tower of Primitives. I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I was surrounded by pictures flying through the air that were so graphic and pornographic that I can’t even name what I saw here. I am a young guy and hardly a prude, but this stuff was truly over-the-top. I stood there helpless, and suddenly the “attack” stopped. I found out from other folks at the sandbox that this was a grief attack, and that they were relatively frequent in sandboxes. People there were laughing about it, and one of them said he had been the one who had ARed the griefer. I found out that AR meant Abuse Report. I was not prepared for my reaction to all of this. The person behind the keyboard became a little tearful and a lot fearful. I was ashamed to share this with others at the sandbox, so I teleported out, and spent some time at a class at Builder’s Brewery. I seemed to be safe there, but I still felt uncomfortable.

The second incident took place at a nightclub that is very well known and well attended. I was dancing with a lovely lady in a gorgeous red satin gown. She had to show me how to use the dance balls, but once I mastered that she IMed me and we had a lovely private chat. We seemed to have many things in common, and chatted away happily. After an hour she said that she felt like leaving, and did I want to come with her. I consented happily, and she told me she would send a teleport to me once she got home. When the request came, I clicked on Teleport as she had instructed me, and when the scene came into view I was in what looked like a dungeon, and I was behind bars. The lady in red was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly she showed up dressed like a dominatrix, and told me she was now my master. I was stunned but really didn’t understand what was going on. DrFran, to be honest she looked so hot in that outfit that I probably wasn’t thinking straight. She told me she was giving me something and I would have to click Accept on a box to take it into inventory. I clicked and saw an object named Collar, in my inventory.

Now, I can imagine you thinking: “What a dunce!” as you read this, but I was only a newbie in Second Life, and had no idea what was going on. The lady in red—now in black spandex, told me to right click on the Collar in my inventory, and select Wear from the dropdown menu. I did that and suddenly had a big spiked collar around my avatar’s neck. Then she told me to click on Yes, when the box prompted. All at once I found I couldn’t move, and the lady brought out some balls like the ones in the nightclub, only when she used them she ended up doing horrid things to me. I had to watch powerless, and I couldn’t seem to remove the collar, even if I knew how to do it. I was even fully clothed! This was not sex, mind you, it was horribly cruel things, and she had a knife in her hand that seemed to spew fake blood. Of course I wasn’t hurt physically, but this upset me even more than the attack in the sandbox.

What can I do about these things? As I said, I don’t want to give up Second Life. I am sure there are good things out there as well. Thanks for your help. 

Grieved.

Dear Grieved, I can see from the terms you use in talking about yourself that you don’t feel all that good about yourself, so I don’t want to add to that. However, I really had to wonder if this is a real letter, or if you are pulling DrFran’s leg? Really? You couldn’t figure out how to get out of these situations?

Just for the heck of it, I will assume you are telling me the truth. I am not going to address the mechanics of your problems except to say: Log out !!!! No one is in an inescapable situation in Second Life. My first week in world someone bumped me off a high platform on purpose. At first I was upset, but then I realized that they were probably a kid who figured they could do whatever they wanted in SL. I have learned to avoid places where the jerks hang out: Welcome areas, sandboxes, places that are just about sex, etc.

That said, I can see that you want to use Second Life to make friends, and maybe to improve your social skills and ability to make and keep relationships. You seem sensitive about the things that happen to you. The real task for you is not to figure out how to not get caged physically, but how to not get caged emotionally. It may be time for you to work on loosening up.

I have said this before in this column and I will say it again: If you do what you really like in Second Life, the friends and activities will follow. So, Grieved, what are you into? Want to meet women? Try going to nightclubs where the hosts are watching out for things. Don’t take a teleport from someone you hardly know. Instead, spend more time chatting and getting to know someone. I have never spent more than a few minutes with someone who seems to have interests that are different from mine especially if they annoy me.

Most important of all: Wear Second Life like a loose garment. I know that it is very real, and I am a real person behind my young and pretty avatar. I have real feelings, and have had some intense emotional pain in Second Life. Yet, I don’t forget that without all the pieces of the puzzle together, the touch and the smell and the day-to-day life with other people, Second Life remains a fantasy on some levels, and I can turn that fantasy off by clicking the quit button on my computer

Please let me know that you have stayed, and that you are starting to appreciate the great things Second Life can offer us all. 

Yours, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

DrFran Babcock

Ask DrFran: "The Roles We Play"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

I am writing to you out of frustration with my relationship here in Second Life. Alfie and I have been a couple here for over two years, and during this time we have built a strong night club business, and a small real estate holding company, renting shops to people who want to be near a prosperous night club. We make enough money doing this to pay the tier on the two sims we own together.

Lately, though, what’s been happening is that I log in and Alfie tells me that he’s busy with a customer. So, I set up the deejays, send out the announcements for the events, greet folks, keep the chatter going, audition and hire acts, and even clean the sims of prims left behind by visitors. I handle all the rental properties and take care of any issues my customers may have. What began as a fun partnership is becoming a full-time, busy job for me. 


The final touch was the other night while there were 26 people in the club, dancing and having a good time. I was in private chats with the deejay working on the stream, a friend of mine who rents a dress shop on one of our sims, and a newbie in the club who was having trouble figuring out how to make the dance ball work for him.  All of this was taking place at the same time that I was in open chat joking and laughing with the crowd, and setting up the board for the evening’s Best in Formal contest. Alfie logged in, and I immediately IMed him asking for help. He told me he would be there in a few minutes, but he never showed up, and logged out about an hour after logging in.

The following day, furious, I emailed him with a request to speak with him for a bit. A day later he responded to my mail, and showed up in world that evening. Now, DrFran, I am not stupid, and I tend to assess situations by what people do, and not by what they say. Therefore, I had already guessed that Alfie was not interested in continuing to be my partner, but I was not prepared for his response. After I calmly detailed to him the extent of the work I had done, and requested that he help me with some of this, he became sullen and wanted to know why I was picking on him and trying to control him. I was shocked.


From that day until today I have been doing most of the work for our two sims. Alfie is usually online playing in one of he weapons sandboxes or spending a lot of Lindens on Zyngo and things. If I so much as ask him to be present for an event he starts to whine, and logs out.


What can I do to get him to pull his weight in our business, and what can I do to show him that I care? 

Signed: Disappointed.

Dear Disappointed: The situation about which you write is a very common one. In the beginning you were so enamored of each other that it was hard to see anything but good. As time goes on in relationships they pass from this euphoric state to the day-to-day realities of life. This is especially true for working partners.

What has happened is this: People will hate me, but in most cases, we become one of our parents and connect with someone who is like our other parent (provided we had two parents). So, if one parent was responsible and the other one wasn’t that is the roles we adopt. Even worse, at times we become the responsible parent while our partner evolves into the bad little kid. I think this is what has happened in your case. You are juggling all the balls while Alfie is off playing. In addition, he may have begun to see you as the punishing parent, always ready to reprimand him. Unfortunately, once this happens to a relationship it is hard to recover your balance. Have you ever noticed, that no matter how much you have accomplished in your life, when you go home you become a little kid again?

Yes, I know this isn’t always the case, but the situation you describe sounds like Alfie sees you now as someone wagging a finger at him. Sadly, this is the death of desire. If you are able to negotiate a purely business relationship with this guy, with a contract that outlines each of your responsibilities, you might be able to salvage your sims. However, I don’t think you will get Alfie to see you in any other way than as a stern parent, and folks don’t generally feel attracted to their parents.

I am sorry this has happened, but DrFran has learned more from broken relationships. I make a lot of mistakes; I try not to make the same mistake over and over. I hope you can do something to make this the best outcome possible. Please write to me again. I want to hear how you made out, Disappointed.

DrFran Babcock

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: Caught Between Two Worlds

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: I have a feeling what I am going to tell you is not uncommon, but I haven’t seen it yet in your column so I thought I would bring it up.

I am a long time Second Life resident, and I joined originally because my kids are grown, my husband works long hours, and I don’t really enjoy the stuff that other women my age are into in their daily lives. Sharing recipes and talking about clothes is just not as exciting to me as building castles and raising Lindens for the American Cancer Society. My creativity is expressed in the things I make here, and although I have usually given them away for free, or donated them for charity events, I am fulfilled by what I do.

My question for you begins during last year’s Relay for Life events, when a newcomer joined our old and established team for the first time. His avatar was a very handsome male, and he almost always wore suits, and took pains with his appearance. His building and scripting skills added a dimension to our team camp that really struck a high note for the team. As one of the main landscapers and vendor monitors for the team we were together often while planning out and working on things. We chatted amiably for a few weeks, neither of us revealing any personal information—until we started to share. That was when I noticed I was starting to have feelings for him. For the first time I didn’t feel sorry for myself that my husband, a surgeon, was rarely around. Max, as I will call him, was a professional (keeping some details vague here), and lived in another continent from me.  I kept our conversation light, despite my growing sense of intimacy, and worked hard not to let him know I was falling for him.

A few days before Relay opened officially, we were at one of the many pre-RFL parties, and he asked me to dance. While we were dancing, he asked me in I had voice, and for the first time we chatted in voice while we danced. I had never been so entranced, or so engaged in Second Life. I still tried not to let on about my feelings for him. His English was flawless, but his slight accent was a thrill to me. We talked and talked, and before I knew it my husband was home, so I logged.

From then on, no matter what we were doing, building, at a meeting, planning to run Relay, etc., we were in voice, talking and talking. He started to make statements related to having me come to visit him. I still had no idea what he looked like, nor did he know what I looked like. That didn’t seem to matter, because our friendship had been built on talking and sharing, and that seemed to get more intense and revealing each day. Finally, in what by this time was no surprise, he told me that he cared about me as more than just a friend. My heart literally leapt out of my chest, and out of my mouth poured all the things I had been holding inside. We were like two kids jumping up and down with joy. To this day it’s the highlight of my emotional life.

From that day on, Max and I have been inseparable. We have shared everything about our stories, our lives, and all our little secrets. He wanted me to come to his continent to visit. We now knew what each other looked like, and we were even more in love. When I had to log out I would feel empty and alone. I was happy that my husband was never around.

Finally, I decided to go visit Max for a week when my husband left for two weeks for a medical conference in Houston. I knew he would never know I was gone, because he rarely calls, and with my cell phone it would not matter.

Suffice it to say that Max and I hit it off better than I even imagined. I went home to my husband, dejected and missing Max. Since then Max has been begging me to come back and live with him. Now, Max not a rich man, like my husband, but I love him. I am so tormented. Should I leave my husband for this man, Max?  Undecided

Dear Undecided: I wonder why you have written to me, when it seems that you have already made up your mind? That said, I do have opinions, my opinions, on the subject of infidelity, love, and choices.

I am not a fan of infidelity. I understand just how easy it is to be attracted to someone other than the person with whom you are married, but it speaks to a lack of commitment and integrity. However, I am not judging. It does seem as if Max is way more attentive than your husband, who seems most like a good provider, and nothing more.

True love is something that is very rare to find. In Second Life we often form very close and intimate relationships, because lacking the visuals, we have to communicate verbally. We can’t fall into bed with someone and develop the relationship after (note: We can virtually, but that is a different thing. ).
By the way, you didn’t say whether or not you slept with Max when you visited, but that would serve to make the relationship stronger. Did you know that lovemaking releases chemicals that make women desire their man even more strongly? (How Oxytocin Works )

Let me address the question of making decisions, as that will remove me from my obvious bias about fidelity. Undecided, there is a somewhat objective way to decide what to do. Make a list of the pros and cons of each decision. Do not do this in your head, but put it on paper, so you can see it in black and white. Often, this simple task, when completed honestly, can give you the answer you seek.

I wish you luck in your decision, whatever it is. Please keep us posted here about what happens.  Thanks,

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: DrFran’s Soapbox

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

This is a bit sensitive, so I hope you will hear me out. I was abused repeatedly as a child, and didn’t have much of a chance to enjoy just being a kid. As a result, I grew into a very serious adult with a strong need to control my surroundings, so I can feel in control of my emotions. That’s pretty good insight, in my opinion, and it’s helped me to survive all these years. The thing that really helped me, though, was coming into Second Life and becoming a child here. As a Second Life child, I can have all of the fun that was denied me when I was growing up. I go to camp, school, participate in Relay for Life activities, build, and a whole bunch of other silly, and out of control things I could never seem to do in First Life. The realism of the role play is impressive. We even have read. I have grown and flourished here, becoming popular with the other kids, and I have even been able to move some of this to my day-to-day life.  

I spend all of my time in Second Life with other child play avatars, and never stray far from my group. We are all friends, and many of us have even met up in First Life. I am telling you all this as background for what I am about to tell you. I have a distrust of grown up avatars, and except for the teachers and camp counselors, I usually stay away from all adults. I can be found usually on General sims, and have avoided events and activities that might place me in proximity with mature sims.

That said, and shaking as I write this, and I am pretty sure you know where this is going. Two weeks ago, after school, one of the adult teachers, whom I will call Mr. Fred, asked me to stay after math class so that he could show me how to solve a homework problem that I really didn’t understand. I was a little nervous, but figured the school could only have trusted teachers.

Within moments of the rest of the class leaving, he rezzed a set of pose balls and asked me to climb on the pink one. He told me: “This is so we can sit and talk about the homework.” I didn’t believe him, but I felt helpless to protest—that’s a problem I have because of the abuse I have suffered. People can boss me around easily. That’s one of the reasons I avoid adult avatars. When I got on the pose ball, I immediately began to gyrate in a sexual way. I was completely freaked out. I hopped off the ball and teleported back home, and logged out. I have not told a soul about this, and it happened about two weeks ago. When my First Life abuse was going on my abuser, a neighbor, used to tell me that if I told anyone what we were doing that he would hurt my parents. I guess I am conditioned to keep silent, but I worry that Mr. Fred will try this with other child play avatars, and most of the ones I know have also suffered from child abuse.

Since that day I have not logged in much, I feel a return of some of the horrid symptoms that used to haunt me before I found Second Life. What can I do?

Sign me: Abused.

Dear Abused: I am so sorry for all of the horrid things that were done to you. Children are not meant to be objects of pleasure for sick people. Pedophiles abound, and this is the topic to which I have the strongest, angriest, and frustrated response. The world has yet to awaken to the epidemic proportions of child abuse, and things will not improve until they do.

I know that you will not be pleased to hear this, but you MUST Abuse Report (AR) this individual. This behavior is bound to continue unless you report him. I am sure this avatar worked a long time on building the trust of the school administration in order to get into the role of a trusted instructor. If he is stopped, he will surely create an alt to continue this behavior, but it will take time for him to establish the relationships he needs to continue with his behavior. Of course, this is conjecture. For all I know he (or she) is operating several avatars already.

It’s been a while (2008) since there has been a lot of talk about child play avatars in Second Life being used for pedophiliac role play. Marianne McCann ( http://marianne.secondlifekid.com ) and fellow advocates have gone a long way to demonstrate the actual purpose of child play for many individuals, and it is similar to what you expressed. The children of Second Life have a reputation for fun, charity and loyalty to each other that is enviable.

This is Second Life, not First Life, but I am a firm believer that the line between the two is wafer thin. You hurt my avatar, and the First Life DrFran is hurt. You are a pedophile in Second Life, and you probably are a pedophile in real life.

Please, please, please, Abused. Report this guy, because he will continue his behavior, and you will be doing the right thing, not the wrong thing. I appreciate fully how difficult it is to break out of the habit of protecting your perpetrator, that were wired into you as a child, but as a wise person said to me: If nothing changes; nothing changes. I hope you can find the courage to do report this individual, and I hope you can find a way back to your friends and family in Second Life.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: It’s a Big Grid

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

My rez date is from 2006, but I left Second Life soon after I came in, and didn’t return until recently. I am amazed at how much has changed since then. The grid is a gorgeous place filled with amazing builds. Mesh has added so much to the way things look—it’s a paradise. The thing that is most striking to me is how vast the world is—it’s gigantic! I teleport from place to place to place, and I mostly find myself alone. That’s what I wanted to ask you about.

Back in 2006 I could find things to do by looking on the website at events. There were always a lot of events, and I found them. What was a problem back then is still a problem for me today. I just don’t know how to make friends here.  There are some places where I find lots of avatars: Frank’s Place Jazz Club, New Citizens Incorporated, and some of the Welcome Areas. I go to these places and hang around, but nothing ever seems to happen.

My question is: How do I meet people in Second Life? I don’t mean finding a boyfriend. I just want to have people to hang around with, explore to this fantastic place, and sit and chat. What am I doing wrong? Thanks, 

Lonely in Paradise. 


Dear Lonely: I chose your letter out of a pile of similar letters. There are many residents who feel alone here in SL, and are at a loss to figure out what to do to change this. As a result, many of them do leave, and never come back.

However, there is a lot one can do to make their Second Life a social and active environment. This does take a bit of self-honesty, if you are willing to do that. Here is a list of questions and suggestions:

1.     Am I really lonely? Do I really want to be with other people, or do I just think I should be with other people?

Believe it or not, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying solitude. Our society places a great emphasis on being with others, and folks who enjoy their own company can often feel different or excluded. The fact is that Second Life seems to attract many people who are content with creating and exploring without chatting or being around other residents. DrFran enjoys the solitude of creativity quite often. I say this so that those among you who feel this way might know that really it is OK. I am going to assume, Lonely, by what you have written, that you are not a happy loner.

2.     If I determine I do want to meet other people, then I have to think about a few things? Most important is the question of interest. What is it you like doing, Lonely?

You mentioned exploring the grid and chatting with others. As I said above, it is crucial to be doing the things you like to do in Second Life in order to meet people with whom you might have things in common. For example, like many people in Second Life, I like music. When I was a new avatar, I went to many concerts, and found that the performers I liked attracted people that I liked. But, that’s not enough. The only way that other people get to know me is if I talk. So, when I went to concerts, I started to participate in the conversations that always go on in open chat, no matter how compelling the performance. If you stand there an wait for things to happen, you will never meet people. I understand how shy people can be intimidated by the prospect of having to share in a populated environment, so there are other things I have done to ease myself into social situations:

a.     Do something where the conversations and interactions are expected in the event: Trivia and building classes are two events where talking around the task is structured in. If those don’t work for you, find something that requires you to speak about something in particular. You mentioned the events listing…they can still be found on the bottom of the website dashboard page. They are not as user friendly as they used to be, but they do exist.

b.     Get involved in a charity: Some of the best friends I have made in Second Life are the people that I worked with on the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life. For many years I have helped with building and events, and this has helped me to develop relationships that continued beyond the event.

c.      Join a group: Group chat is often broken, but when it is not, it is a great way to chat anonymously with like-minded people. One of the easiest ways to meet people is to join a group that is involved in a hunt. The Peace on Earth Hunt Group had many members, and they chatted about the hunt and other things all the time. I have a friend who met a good friend from that group.

3.     Be honest with yourself about what you want.

At the risk of repeating myself: Do what you really like here in Second Life. The relationships will develop if you are true to yourself. It may sound crazy, but I have always been a lover of canals, and in my attempts to recreate canals with working locks here, I have met and become friends with a wide assortment of residents. Builders, scripters, geeks and the like were attracted to my interest, and we developed friendships that persist to this day. I don’t have a working canal at this moment, but I still have the friends.

I hope all of this is helpful to you, Lonely. There are ways to create a Second Life that more naturally invites other people into it. Anyone out there you has ideas on how to meet people is welcome to contact me with ideas and suggestions.

Take care, until next week.

Hugs,

DrFran Babcock