What Is A True Friend In Second Life?

By Deaflegacy

As we go on in our lives, we would know one thing - best friends are one thing and true friends are another. That's what this article is all about: true friends. I had a chance to interview four people about the meaning of true friends. I am very happy to say that all the interviews have been a success. This is about true friends and how four people came to see true friends as.

Ari (arisia.vita)

I had a chance to ask Ari (arisia.vita) a few questions about true friends. I asked him, “What would you say when someone says that you are a true friend?” He responded, “I would say that they are a true friend too, it takes two.” I told him, “You are not just a true friend, you are also willing to help people out and have pictures taken of you, right?” Ari replied, “Yes, gladly.”

I wasn't finished. I went on, asking him, “In other words, you are a kind, caring man with a big heart, big enough to fit everyone inside?” Ari answered, “That is my goal, and friends like you help me achieve it.” I couldn't stop because Ari (arisia.vita) is my true friend, “You helped me to reach my dream of becoming a writer, that is what I meant to tell you today.”He was  so glad to hear that.

As Ari and I continued the interview, it turned out he had been playing piano for around two years. I have been on Second Life for almost three years. It is almost like we were meant to meet as true friends. That was not all. “How do you feel when someone tells you that you are an inspiration?” I wanted to know. Ari replied,“I tell them I just mirror the inspiration I see all around me, including them.” 

I did ask Ari another question, “How would you feel if someone tells you that you are a true friend?” His response was, “I tell them they are a true friend to me, and a true friend is one who cares.”

Before we went our own ways, I asked Ari if I could use his quote about if I'm the problem and he said yes. It was, “You are not the problem. You are a part of the solution.” That was his quote. I took him aside, and said, “Your music is so relaxing, so calming. You really do help people, do you know that?” He replied, “That is my goal.” I told him, “Your goal have been reached.” Indeed, Ari is a true friend.

 

Bixyl Shuftan

Bixyl Shuftan and I met. Bixyl is the editor at SL Newser but he is more than just an editor. He is a true friend and I got a chance to interview him. But before I started the interview, I thanked Bixyl  for giving me a chance to be a writer. “You can if you like, but I only pointed out the way. You're the one who made the decision to step forward,” he replied with a smile.

Six String (roleplayismylife) got a chance to point out something to him, “Yes, Bixyl. The fact that you gave her the opportunity to be a writer has definitely made a difference in her life, and it's quite noticable.” That's so true!

My first question in the actual interviewing was, “How do you feel when someone tell you that you are a true friend?”  Bixyl replied, “In one word, happy. I feel like I've truly won over a friend's confidence." I asked him to say in his own words, what a true friend is. He replied, “Someone you know very well whomyou can always count on to look after your best interests.” 

I wanted to know if Bixyl thought that a true friend is a very good thing to have, and that knowing that there is always going to be someone you can count on. “Yes," to told me with a smile, "A true friend is a very good thing to have.” That's indeed true.

 

Six String (roleplayismylife)

Before the interview got started, Six String (roleplayismylife) had a quote about true friends to share with me. The quote is, “Damn, that was fun! Let's do it again?” I asked Six if I could put this quote in the article and he told me okay. Six said that the quote came from a sign on the wall where he goes to once a month to do music. Thanks, Six String. 

The interview got started after that. I asked Six, “How do you feel when someone tells you that you are a true friend?” He replied, “It makes me feel really good. After enduring such hardships for most of my life, and pseudo friends who were only using me, it feels nice to know that somepony like me would think of me as a true friend.”

I asked Six what is a true friend in his words.He  replied, “Someone who sticks by you no matter what, even when things seem bad.”

The next question is, “Would you say that a true friend is a very good thing to have?” And Six String  said, “Yes, I would,” before adding, “Well, I think it varies from one pony to another, because everypony has their own definition of what a true friend is. But for me personally, a true friend is somepony that you're so close to, that you consider them to be family. And as such would do anything for them, including sacrificing your own life, if it means saving theirs.”

 

Snowy Sugar Blossom (skylark.lefavre)

I met Snowy Sugar Blossom (skylark.lefavre) at the club where she was working. She is my sister and true friend. The first question was, “How would you feel if someone tells you that you are a true friend?” Snowy replied, “I would be flattered, honored, and happy. It would mean I have done something right to deserve such a friendship and that I should keep being as best of a friend as I possibly can be and never do anything to jeopardize it.”

I asked Snowy  to say in Snowy Sugar Blossom her own words what a true friend is. Her reply was, “Someone who is a friend to you despite whatever quirks or abnormalities one has that would drive (away) others in a heartbeat. It is someone that accepts you, good and bad, and loves you despite them. A best friend is someone you can always count on no matter how bad things get.”

The next question was, “Would you say that a true friend is a good thing?” Snowy said, “Yes because true friends are a dying breed in this world, SL and real life as everyone is out for themselves and their own. True friendships can be hard to find. True friendship should have no strings attached or conditions.”

The last question was, “What is your definition of a true friend?” Snowy Sugar Blossom (skylark.lefavre) responded, “Someone you want to be with everyday and can't live without and love to do things with. Someone you are so close to consider them family.”

Now you have it. I have interviewed four people about their feelings on the topic of true friends. It is true that it's hard to get a true friend, but in the long run, when someone gets a true friend, it turns out to be worth the wait.

Deaflegacy

Fran Seranade of Creations for Parkinsons

By Deaflegacy

"Parkinson's is a progressive neurological disease." said Barbie Alchemi. "My Father died with it and my Mother has it now. But I have learned that although my Mom has  Parkinson's, it does not have her!"  Her mom would be Fran Seranade.  They have a Second Life Parkinson's Support Group that has been meeting for six years.  The members have all learned that they are still themselves, their own personalities, and can express their creativity and emotions the same as always.

"Yes my Mom just turned 90 'Years Young' as she likes to say (laughter)," spoke Barbie when she was asked about Fran's recent birthday party.  "She thinks of Second Life as the 'Fountain of Youth'.  Inside she feels very young, yet her physical body is getting old.  The wonderful thing about Second Life is that here she can feel and experience life as young as she looks."

Barbie went on to say that Fran had two birthday parties.  The first party was seven hours of live music at their CP Swing 40's Era Dance Ballroom.  Over 200 people dropped by to share their love with Fran. They have raised 180,000 Lindens for the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research that day.  "That is $700 US Dollars!" said Barbie.  Barbie also added that Fran loves to dance at their new CP Swing Ballroom because they play the music of her teen years, which brings back fond memories for her.

"She was quite the dancer in her day. She and her partner could clear the floor." said Barbie.  "The second Birthday Party was even more amazing in some ways."

Barbie explained that six core members of their SL Parkinson's Support Group have become so close after meeting together every week for six years that they all decided to fly from all over the country to be together with Fran on her real-life birthday.

"It was the most wonderful experience," said Barbie, "We have all grown to love each other so dearly, and when we all met in person, it was as if we had known each other forever.  Second Life has brought a depth and meaning to our lives that we all treasure."

They have 30 members in the Parkinson's Support Group, but not everyone comes all the time.  They usually have around eight members who are there every single week, unless something in real-life prevents them from coming. It is at a perfect size so everyone gets a chance to share as well.

"Mom started the support group in Second Life, and asked Tredi (Dr Donna Davis) to facilitate each week. She presents a meaningful topic that we discuss." said Barbie.

According to Barbie, they have raised almost $10 million Lindens since they started, and that is $40,0000 US Dollars for Parkinson's Research. She also shared some information about the Parkinson's Support Group.

The information is below:

THE STORY OF CREATIONS PARK ~ Grown with Love
Our RL Dad died with Parkinson's and our mother, Fran Seranade, has it now. To quote her "I may have Parkinson's, but it does not have me." At 90 "years young", she is active in Second Life and is thrilled to see herself running and dancing again. We have built everything on Creations Park with LOVE. We hope you can feel that love while you are enjoying yourself here.

OUR MISSION
It is our Creations Team Mission to use our love and talents to make a difference in both the RL and SL worlds. We create experiences to stimulate Hearts, Minds, Bodies and Souls. It is our goal to help find a cure for Parkinson's which will then lead to a cure for all neurological diseases. Come share your love with us and help us find the cure!

***VIDEO***
PLEASE be sure to watch our award winning video about the benefits of SL for our RL Mom who is 90 "years young" and has Parkinson's. Ebbe Linden (CEO of Linden Labs) has called this one of the most important video ever made
[13:41] Barbie Alchemi:  about Second Life! This will inspire and touch your heart!
The Drax File: World Makers- Episode 13
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyiiWxNguGo&feature=youtu.be

DONATIONS
100% of all donations go to Team Fox for The Michael J Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research. We believe it is important for you to know how your donations are being spent. Our family covers all tier and expenses. All Donations are directly wired from Linden Labs to the Foundation. The MJFF has the top rating from Charity Navagators and has the lowest overhead of any major charity, giving 89% directly to the most promising research!

"It is not our challenges that define us, our actions do." - Michael J Fox

"If someone would like to join our Parkinson's Support Group, then need to contact me for an invitation to the group," Barbie told me.

Barbie was invited to NYC to meet Michael J. Fox in person as a result of the important work they do on Second Life to help find a cure for Parkinson's.

The SLurl for the main landing spot is: Creations Park (90,164,36)

Deaflegacy

Why Do Some People Just Disappear From Second Life?

By Mylie Foxclaw

I have often seen people panicking when their partner has suddenly stopped logging in.  I have reacted the same during my first years on Second Life too.  We imagine the worst, a real-life problem, a death… but in many cases, that person is fine, so why do they just disappear?

Sometimes people fear to hurt the other or expect a bad reaction.  You can’t say you won’t react badly if your partner suddenly tells you that he wants to part ways.  You will be hurt, you will probably vent out your anger without realising it.  The next best option is simply to just leave without a word; without drama.  
 

People know when you start distancing yourself.  They can sense it even if they may not admit it.  Sometimes they are just waiting for you to confront them and tell them the truth.  And you will be surprised.  I see some people who remained friends even after breaking up or who are on good speaking terms.  Some argued and distance themselves but later, they patch up and stay good friends. 

Second Life relationships are not always easy.  A good friend of mine once told me that certain people just ran off because they told a tiny lie at the beginning but now that the relationship grew and they formed a bond, they felt that they would hurt their partner but felt like this lie became a big issue.  So they preferred to disappear suddenly, without a word.  What could the lies be?  Claiming to be single when they are married, being of the opposite gender from what they play in Second Life, faking their age.  If you put yourself in the shoes of someone who lied and imagine what they go through as they realise that their lie is becoming an issue, you may probably react the same way and leave too. 

When you find that your partner has suddenly left, you may want to consider these reasons as well.  Give it some days or weeks, then try leaving a message or an e-mail or something to see if they respond.  Keep it simple and civilised.  Remember, you can’t force someone to be with you if they don’t wish to be.  If they want to leave, let them go.  Give yourself time to digest the fact.  Take some time off Second Life or explore new facets of the virtual world to distract yourself. 

Announcing bad news and knowing you are going to hurt someone is not easy.  But when you leave like that, you’re not making things easy either.  Your partner has no idea and will worry.  He/she will wait for a while, months maybe, especially if the feelings on his/her side are deep enough.  Later they may move on, or not.  Spare them the worries and the waiting.  Break it to them, let them get mad.  If it gets so bad, restart afresh but at least you know you done your part.  No regrets, no guilty conscience. 

Whether your partner have left or you wish to leave, put yourself in the shoes of the other party and imagine what you would go through.  Don’t leave someone hanging and don’t make them feel guilty.  When it’s over, we eventually have to move on.  No need to drag it on.  You will only hurt yourself.  Isn't it better to end things in a civilised manner and remain friends?

Mylie Foxclaw

Nydia Tungsten Gets New Monitor From Sunweavers

Among the more active residents of the Sunweaver Estates is Nydia Tungsten. One of the estate managers who helps out with any land issues, in the past she was one of the regular DJs at Club Zero Gravity, the Happy Vixen, and other clubs. More recently she's been doing a number of videos, many of which have been featured on the Newser such as "Come Back," "Evacuate the Dance Floor," and "Margaritaville." And of course her articles in the newsletter, mainly reviews of games but also some occasional social commentary.

In real life, Nydia's finances have been a bit limited, as have those of many residents. So when her monitor began acting up after several years of use, such as blinking out for a couple seconds, She didn't have enough after regular expenses to buy a new one right away. So reluctantly, she made the following announcement.

I can't shoot anymore videos until further notice, I have a dying monitor and it is going to cost me between 150 to 200 dollars usd to replace, so please bare with me while I tend to it and save up.

It didn't take long for word to get around. So after some discussion, Sunweaver chieftess Rita Mariner made an announcement of her own:

Sunnies:  Nydia Tungsten's Monitor is dying and doesn't have the funds to replace it and that means no more videos!  Maybe no more SL for her.  We can't have that.  REC has suggested a Monitor Fund for her, I agreed to collect any Lindens you may wish to donate to help out.  After a period of time, I will pass along any Lindens we get to Nydia and she can then convert it to Cash and transfer it to her bank!  So if you wish to help out, just sned your donation to me, Rita Mariner.

Not everyone donated via Rita. A few directly donated to Nydia. But the results were the same. It didn't take long at all for Nydia to find out she had all the money she needed.

Sunnies:  The fund to raise funds to help Nydia Tungsten replace her dying monitor was a complete success!  Those of us that donated, raised over ... towards her new monitor and she was awestruck!  She has offered to make music videos for all those that donated.  Way cool, Nydia!  Here is the Monitor she decided to get.
http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16824005623
Thanks again to all who donated.  We are Family!


Nydia herself had some words about what happened, "When I found out about it...I was shocked.....for them to do that for me .... it touched me deeply.  At first I thought maybe ... $10 to$50 dollars .... because I know how tight money is. Then I started getting it...and I cried...."

"I knew I had to get the best monitor I could for the money, so I enlisted my mega geek brother for help. Between the two of us we found a monitor at a great price. I was even able to get a 3 year extended warranty. And I thought I should get it as fast as possible, so people wouldn't keep donating their hard earned money..."

Nydia paused for a moment, then spoke again, "You know I am not one toask for help at a drop of a hat.... Once I confirmed the sale...I cried again. I am almost eight years old in Second Life. I have seen and heard of this happening to others as well. But never thought it would happen to me..." There was silence for a few more moments, "Sorry for the long pauses...crying again..."

"There are a LOT of people here in Second Life I consider family. I know to some here in SL they will call anyone family at the drop of a hat.....I only claim those that I truly care for."

So what were Nydia's plans now that she has a new monitor on the way? "I have stopped video productions because of the monitor, as well as most streaming and gaming," she explained, So I will start that up again." When asked if she had an idea for a video, "Several actually, skunks and vixens as well as others dancing. I will start with a small one at first as a test."

"What I REALLY wanted to say... To all of those that donated, and wanted too, I would like to publicly say 'Thank you' and your love has touched me deeplyand I will never forget this. I truly want to say more... but words fail me. I am STILL bloody crying... I want so much to give back some how to those that have given to me.....even in some small way."

It was a day later that Nydia announced that the monitor had finally arrived. She showed a picture of it to the Sunweaver group up and running, in the new Minecraft server a number of Sunweavers and others in the Furry Gamers group have been in, and that she was back in business.

Another example of how Second Life friends come together to help one another.

Bixyl Shuftan

Reader Submitted: My First Five Years

By Nydia Tungsten

By the time you read this my Rez day will have come and gone. December 12 2008 is when I was “Born” to this virtual world.

Five years .... wow that’s a LONG time.


Five years in anything is a long time I guess. But in a virtual world, like real life, you grow, in attitude as well as skills.

I did a lot of growing up, with such wonderful guides as Treninari, Ranchan, Alleara, and my SL Mother who took me under her wing and started me down the path of clubs and land management for that I say thank you Mother (Skylark). And one of my FIRST best friends Jian, she kept me grounded and tried to keep me out of trouble....didn’t always work, but she did try.

There are just too many to name that have entered my life and helped me grow, some no longer speak to me because each side has changed as we grew, just like real-life friendships change sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse, even those no longer in my life that have touched my heart, I will ALWAYS care about.

In my five years here I have seen people come and go. But unlike real life here we can start over if we make mistakes, as in alts. I know of plenty of alts in use by others, and as long as they are not used for griefing I see no harm in them and will NEVER reveal ANYONES alt. I have even lost a mate over that.

But where ever there are MMO’s there WILL be alts. Best way to deal with them is to take each one for who they are. THAT is one of my biggest lessons learned in five years.

I have had people try and teach me to build ..... (I can now make a decent doughnut) and tried to teach scripting (I can change the name in floating text), neither of which can I say I am accomplished. I run clubs, not to make money for those days are over. They are money pits now. I run them because I enjoy doing it. Same with my DJ’ing. I admin 10 sims and I own 3 of those, both in Second Life and in Inworldz, not getting rich, but I do get to meet some interesting people, I have friends from every continent on the globe.

When I expanded to InWorldz I was asked by many why I was leaving Second Life. My answer I was not. Not only do I have too much invested here in sims and such, but I have a family, many that care about each other. And I have my Angels, those on my friends list that I love and trust most of all. You see in real life it is hard to make anything of yourself without someone there with you to help you. any success I may be credited for, I have to credit them, I love each and every one of them.

My appearance over the years has changed as well. I have a few forms I use: Skunk, Bunny, and a few others. But I will ALWAYS be the little white vixen that enjoys helping out. I was made an official Kitsune by Alleara a while back and given a second tail for all my work in helping others (for those who don't know, they grow more tails as they grow in experience). It took me a while to get used to seeing a second tail on me. But now, if I don’t have it .... I feel as if I am missing something.

As for relationships, I have had a few, I have had my heart broken, as well as broke a couple of hearts. But none of them on either side was intentional, and I try very hard to remain on good terms with them and wish for them everything they wish for themselves. As for right now, I am in a very HAPPY relationship with my wife Brandi. She is the “Mouse that caught the Fox,” and we have been hopelessly in love ever since we slow danced (Thank you my heart : MMWHAA!).

I treat my virtual life as I would my real life one, trying to be the best person I can be. Am I an Angel? NO WAY! Heh, I screw up on a daily basis, but like real life I try and learn from my mistakes, make them right, and move on. Am I paranoid? I have been asked that by a few people. Hell, I have even asked myself that very same question. The answer would have to be yes, to a certain extent. Again, Second Life mirrors real life. There ARE people that are here that will lie, cheat, and steal because it’s easier that real work. So you HAVE to be a bit paranoid to make it anywhere.

So if you are new to Second Life or any other virtual world my advice is this: Remember there is more than sex here. Yes we ALL go through that “phase.” Don’t come looking for your perfect match thinking they will whisk you away to happiness. That road leads to a lot of pain. Instead, find friends have a good time explore everything there is to offer. And IF you find someone you might be interested in, become friends first, remain friends awhile, THEN... who knows they just MIGHT be the one. But if you go out looking for love and a mate because you NEED one right NOW, you are just going to scare them away.

Learn a skill that you like to do, then do it. Whatever it is as long as you like it, have fun with it.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!

Be who you are, this is Second Life. You can be whoever or whatever you want, either it is a dino serving time on a space ship, a demon loving in hell, or even a little white vixen running businesses across the grid, find your nitch and have fun with it whatever it is. That has got to be the most important thing I have learned in five years, be who and what you feel you are in your heart and I promise, you will be happy with yourself.

Nydia Tungsten

Ask DrFran: "A Buddy Comes Out"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

In real life, I’m a bit afraid of gays, or "homer-sexuals" as my Dad called them. He considered them bad news as men in general had only one thing on their mind, and gays were different only in they'd be after your behind instead of bragging to you about how much they got. A friendship with one, he told me, was impossible. And he felt that if any were dumb enough to show themselves back in the farm community he grew up in, the expression "he needed killin’" might be brought to bear.

Coming to Second Life™, I found a few, but not many, at least among the men. There have been a few in their profile who called themselves "bisexual," but not many male homosexuals. Maybe in SL's Libertarian "mind your own business" attitude, most keep quiet about it, but I can only guess. But some haven't. Some kept to themselves. Others acted like my Old Man warned me they would, being pests and flirting with any guy who was unlucky enough to draw their attention.

For most of the time, I didn't think too much about the subject, being occupied with going about in Second Life™ and making friends. Among my first friends was "Kay" (not his real SL name) a short, furry guy who liked music and would occasionally play at music events at a favorite hangout of mine. We would also talk with other friends about computer games and goings on in SL and first life, as well as places we’d seen. We'd also do some activities together, such as a weekly tour group in SL. He could be a little sad at times, saying he had trouble finding someone in real life, but I thought nothing of it.

Then after over a year, Kay told me he had a bit of news. He admitted he was gay. He told me he had dated girls in first life, but just couldn't feel an attraction. This bit of news was stunning. I thought I had known him, and it turned out I hadn’t.

I didn't feel afraid of him—between his small size and his passive, well-mannered attitude. But what did make me worry was when Kay told us who he was in a relationship with. The guy, who was not really gay but bisexual, was known to be a troublemaker, harassing a lady friend of ours in first life. I reminded him of that, saying this guy had been bad news. But he persisted, showing up with him at his side. So I acted friendly, hoping my buddy was right in that he changed.

As it turned out, the troublemaker hadn’t changed. Some time later, I heard from a mutual friend they had broken up. It was a few days later when Kay finally logged back on. I met up with him, and my buddy was in tears. He had found his partner in bed with another guy, basically laughing off their relationship. He had not only given his heart and found it thrown back at him, but in exposing his biggest secret, many ‘friends’ had stopped talking to him. He felt more depressed than ever.

It was at this point I did something I thought I’d never do. I gave the guy a hug—first time on SL I had ever done so to another male.

Kay remained on Second Life™ a little longer, but eventually he stopped coming on a regular basis. He would pop in once in a while to say hello, but he had more or less moved on.

I’m not wondering what makes a guy gay. Whatever happened, he didn't ask for it. But what I do wonder is what made him “come out?” There are many stories of guys who have done so, only to be shunned by friends and family alike. Surely he would have known. Why couldn't he have just kept quiet about it? 

Wondering


Dear Wondering:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter and question. It is a testament to your maturity that you did not go on to embrace unquestioningly the beliefs of your father, as so many people have over time. You have had the ability to see things for yourself, and to take people as you meet them, without prejudice (note: prejudice means to pre-judge, and you didn’t).

Kay is not an unusual case. I have met many gay men and lesbians in my days on the grid. Second Life™ can provide a hiding place for people who have secrets. My own belief is that no matter where you go; there you are. No amount of running and hiding can allow a person to hide from themselves. The pain of not being truly who one believes themself to be is often unbearable for people. I believe that is what was behind Kay’s need to “come out.” Kay was unable to be who he was, and that dishonesty hurts people. I don’t know if you have ever had to appear in a human avatar in Second Life™, but if you did you might know what I am talking about. I believe you said you are a furry, and that is your identity here on the Grid. So, imagine having to act “human” here, and interact with friends and lovers as a human, when every cell in your body tells you that you are a fur. Most people could not do that for any length of time.

I am sure that Kay was well aware of the stigma of being homosexual. Despite all of the growth we residents have made and show, many folks still fear “homer-sexuals” Kay took a risk that he had to take.

On a more psychological note: It has been my experience that gays and lesbians prefer to have their affections returned. A homosexual who pursues a straight person is probably dealing with emotional difficulties. It’s no different than the woman or man who always seems to find the one person who will not or cannot return their love. Generally, without some insight they are unable to change this behavior, and will go on looking for love in all the wrong places for the rest of their life.

Kay made a bad choice in a partner; something you and his other friends warned him about, but without success. Is this any different than a straight relationship? I think not. People will love the wrong people, but mostly they will pursue people whom they think will like them. Poor Kay will heal, but his experience in Second Life™ may have soured him for future attempts at being gay here. Not because he is gay, but because he had a bad experience.

Your hug was an expression of true caring and compassion. I applaud you for the bravery it must have taken. Think for a moment…Kay didn’t pursue you romantically, so he must have seen you for what you are: his friend. Maybe he will make another try in Second Life™. We know there is no way to say, but I am glad that he has your for a friend should he try to stick his snout in again.

Thanks for your heartfelt letter.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "A Friend in Need"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:  

Second Life has a number of things to offer. One is the people. The variety of avatars certainly allows us to appear in a number of ways, such as my furry fox avatar. Then there's how our personalities show. In my first home, one of my neighbors was a gun-totting girl who loved to shoot things up once in a while. We never became an item, as she preferred other girls and was partnered to one, she a fur and her partner a human. Despite her being a "lezzie" as she called herself, the attention of guys wasn't necessarily unwelcome as long as it didn't go too far, her responding to whistles with a wink.

When the home went under after the owner couldn't afford to keep it up longer, I lost touch with many friends there. But we kept in touch with each other. Over time, we met more often, including a few rounds at firing ranges, and at combat sandboxes, watching each others' backs.

Then her partner dumped her, for reasons I never heard. My friend was naturally saddened, and I spent some extra time with her, listening to her. I thought she'd be be blue for a time, but her depression lingered and deepened. She felt worthless, despite my words of praise.

If she preferred the company of guys for intimate contact, I would have asked her out. But her preferring the company of girls, well, that option was out. I don't know what to do as the only other girl whom also did, she was partnered and she didn't know where my friend could find another.

What can I do to help my sad friend?

Worried Fox

Dear, dear Worried Fox:

People are generally very good and compassionate. I see how much you hurt for the pain of your friend, and I know that you are a decent soul. However, as much as we want folks to be happy and at peace with their lives, there is rarely anything that we can do to make this happen. True contentment comes from within, and is not dependent upon the acts of other people.

The best that anyone can do for another person is to listen and to validate their experience. People who feel that they are being heard by others seem to do very well. Sometimes when I work with patients I don’t even say a word. I am just there as a presence, a sounding board. Patients tell me: “That was the best session ever,” and don’t even realize that I have said nothing.

Another thing to consider is the nature of male female relationships. Remember that what I say is always my opinion, and this can differ from yours and others. I find that men and women can be friends, but usually best after they have had a love relationship. Many people disagree with me about this, but my exes here in Second Life and in First Life are my friends, after a period of being apart. My belief is that if you liked the person enough to go out with them, you probably like them. In your case, you hadn’t a chance to date your friend, and it would not have happened, based on her relationship preferences. It’s pretty well known that “lezzies” may sleep with men, but they really do prefer to be with women. However, this does not mean she couldn’t be your friend, and I guess she is.

The rules of attraction are so complicated. A very wise therapist once told me that when you are out and about you are dragging all your emotional luggage around with you. If you should stumble upon someone to whom you are attracted you throw your luggage into a heap with their luggage, and you hope you have a matched set. The pile of valises gets higher and higher each time we do this. And yet, many of us do it over and over again.

Worried Fox, I hope you have found some happiness, because it is very evident to me that you are a kind and caring fox. 

Fondly, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you

Ask DrFran: It’s a Big Grid

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

My rez date is from 2006, but I left Second Life soon after I came in, and didn’t return until recently. I am amazed at how much has changed since then. The grid is a gorgeous place filled with amazing builds. Mesh has added so much to the way things look—it’s a paradise. The thing that is most striking to me is how vast the world is—it’s gigantic! I teleport from place to place to place, and I mostly find myself alone. That’s what I wanted to ask you about.

Back in 2006 I could find things to do by looking on the website at events. There were always a lot of events, and I found them. What was a problem back then is still a problem for me today. I just don’t know how to make friends here.  There are some places where I find lots of avatars: Frank’s Place Jazz Club, New Citizens Incorporated, and some of the Welcome Areas. I go to these places and hang around, but nothing ever seems to happen.

My question is: How do I meet people in Second Life? I don’t mean finding a boyfriend. I just want to have people to hang around with, explore to this fantastic place, and sit and chat. What am I doing wrong? Thanks, 

Lonely in Paradise. 


Dear Lonely: I chose your letter out of a pile of similar letters. There are many residents who feel alone here in SL, and are at a loss to figure out what to do to change this. As a result, many of them do leave, and never come back.

However, there is a lot one can do to make their Second Life a social and active environment. This does take a bit of self-honesty, if you are willing to do that. Here is a list of questions and suggestions:

1.     Am I really lonely? Do I really want to be with other people, or do I just think I should be with other people?

Believe it or not, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying solitude. Our society places a great emphasis on being with others, and folks who enjoy their own company can often feel different or excluded. The fact is that Second Life seems to attract many people who are content with creating and exploring without chatting or being around other residents. DrFran enjoys the solitude of creativity quite often. I say this so that those among you who feel this way might know that really it is OK. I am going to assume, Lonely, by what you have written, that you are not a happy loner.

2.     If I determine I do want to meet other people, then I have to think about a few things? Most important is the question of interest. What is it you like doing, Lonely?

You mentioned exploring the grid and chatting with others. As I said above, it is crucial to be doing the things you like to do in Second Life in order to meet people with whom you might have things in common. For example, like many people in Second Life, I like music. When I was a new avatar, I went to many concerts, and found that the performers I liked attracted people that I liked. But, that’s not enough. The only way that other people get to know me is if I talk. So, when I went to concerts, I started to participate in the conversations that always go on in open chat, no matter how compelling the performance. If you stand there an wait for things to happen, you will never meet people. I understand how shy people can be intimidated by the prospect of having to share in a populated environment, so there are other things I have done to ease myself into social situations:

a.     Do something where the conversations and interactions are expected in the event: Trivia and building classes are two events where talking around the task is structured in. If those don’t work for you, find something that requires you to speak about something in particular. You mentioned the events listing…they can still be found on the bottom of the website dashboard page. They are not as user friendly as they used to be, but they do exist.

b.     Get involved in a charity: Some of the best friends I have made in Second Life are the people that I worked with on the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life. For many years I have helped with building and events, and this has helped me to develop relationships that continued beyond the event.

c.      Join a group: Group chat is often broken, but when it is not, it is a great way to chat anonymously with like-minded people. One of the easiest ways to meet people is to join a group that is involved in a hunt. The Peace on Earth Hunt Group had many members, and they chatted about the hunt and other things all the time. I have a friend who met a good friend from that group.

3.     Be honest with yourself about what you want.

At the risk of repeating myself: Do what you really like here in Second Life. The relationships will develop if you are true to yourself. It may sound crazy, but I have always been a lover of canals, and in my attempts to recreate canals with working locks here, I have met and become friends with a wide assortment of residents. Builders, scripters, geeks and the like were attracted to my interest, and we developed friendships that persist to this day. I don’t have a working canal at this moment, but I still have the friends.

I hope all of this is helpful to you, Lonely. There are ways to create a Second Life that more naturally invites other people into it. Anyone out there you has ideas on how to meet people is welcome to contact me with ideas and suggestions.

Take care, until next week.

Hugs,

DrFran Babcock

Breezes Thoughts: Bixyl and Jasmine

It has been a long  time since I have taken this moment to describe to you the wonderful union of our Bixyl and Jasmine.  The sim was filled with as many friends as could witness the beautiful occasion.

Sitting there and gazing around, gives a solitude of the heart laughter, watching the crowds and comments gave us a moment to realize their finding of each other and the guests were waiting in anticipation the momentous event about to take place.

As the bridemaid  so lovely walked to the the place of honour,  you can feel  a static in the air.  Here comes the proud groom, walking to the future. And the bride that soon followed was so very lovely.

Nydia Tungsten said it all, "a unique world created these two together." And when the vows were read, many tears of happiness were with the guests hearts.  

I believe their vows were the best vows I have ever heard. 
 

So long live their lives of happiness together,

Breezes Babii

Picture from Lomgren Smalls 

For more pictures of the wedding, check out Bixyl's Flickr.

Here’s to You, Kara Nakamori

In the Summer of 2007, I had started giving Second Life another look after a small start of just logging on occasionally and puttering around. I found a place to hang around at: Luskwood. I decided upon a new avatar to replace the starter ringtail I’d been wearing which back then marked one as a newcomer: the Lusk red fox, and I was starting to find interesting places after getting the idea to look on the Internet for Second Life websites.

I made a few friends at Luskwood. There was Lomgren who’s 6 inch avatar never failed to draw attention. There was Hervy the squirrelgirl, whose avatar had gotten a few seconds on CNN when a politician gave a talk on Second Life. And after some time, I came across another I became friends with, Kara Nakamori. At the time I ran into her, Kara was in the freebie purple catgirl avatar that was popular at the time. She stood out from everyone else with the friendliness and enthusiasm, and we ended up friending one another.

In real life, Kara was a Japanese-American whom had lived in Texas since moving there as a little girl. She was a student in college. She once showed me a photograph of herself, a quiet girl. I never did hear her voice, her telling me she felt a little embarrassed by it.

We met a couple more times at Luskwood, and then she invited to teleport to somewhere. I found myself in a place with a number of cafe tables and chairs, with a stone fence around. Kara introduced me to two friends of hers, Blarion and Keli, and told me this place, the STA or Student Travel Association, was a hangout of hers. They soon introduced me to the two who ran the place, Euranna Rossini and GlobetrekkerBob. Anna and Bob were normal humans, as were the rest of the staff there. Bob stood out with his sunglasses, denim vest on a T-shirt, and hat. And in the STA website, pictures of the real-life Bob had him in his hat and sunglasses as well.

The STA was two sims, the east a building showing what the real-life organization was about, and the west a sandbox/newbie help area/social hangout. My friends would sometimes spend time building in the south, and attending events in the north. But we often hung around the center of the sim at the cafe tables around the globe, chatting about goings on, occasionally remarking about the newcomers arriving and walking around as they read the “Welcome to Second Life” signs instructing them on how to go around and giving them a few clothes and useful items. There was a small staff there most times to be there if they needed help. Occasionally the newcomers would have a question for us, which we answered. We were occasionally asked about our furred avatars, and we answered their questions. There was only one occasion someone was rude to us about them.

Time went on, and there were a few changes. Kara put away her freebie av in form of a black and white huskygirl avatar. She told me this look just seemed better for her than a vixen or wolfess. Blarion started out with a skunk, but switched to grey wolfboy. Keli was briefly in a Luskwood "jogi," but changed back to his coyote-like tan-furred avatar. It might have been one of the “Crux” avatars, but not sure. Anna would wear different dresses. O’l’ Bob never did change. Myself, I got a vampire bat for Halloween, which I wore for about a week before putting it away and going back to foxy.

Blarion soon got a job as one ot the STA’s DJs, with Keli pulling host duty. Keli never had his own tip jar, as Blair insisted on splitting his take with him fifty-fifty. Bob and Anna invited the four of us into the STA staff, as we were already helping out the newcomers. One of the titles to the group was “Traveler,” which I liked as I was exploring time to time, and it became the one I wore the most.

Over time, three more people joined our group, all whom like Kara went about in anthro husky avatars. One was Schism, whom dated Kara in the Grid. Another was Balt, the blue huskyboy, whom was the quiet one in the group. And then there was Kana, Kara’s real-life roommate. She was also Japanese-American, but was more aggressive and assertive than Kara. But she fit right in with our group. Kara soon started a group for her closest friends, each of us getting a unique title. The one she gave me, with my jokes, was “King Corny.”

Other STA group members close to us that were practically in included Otis, a self-described “gangsta” with tattoos whom was the other DJ besides Blarion. There was August, with her flowing red hair, whom liked to dance. There was Sparklin Indigo. And there was Ayern, whom was always there with a smile.

There were a few small problems. There was one guy whom somehow got a picture of Kara and Kana at a party. Apparently, he was showing it around, much to Kara’s embarrassment as she was a little shy. Then there was the incident in which someone was rather rude to us, continuing to call us “freaks.” Fortunately Schism was able to shock him so badly, the pest ported away.

One of Bob and Anna’s friends was Sean Voss. He was an avid explorer of Second Life, even publishing a book in real life about the best locations in the Grid. He did weekly tours of places that caught his interest, and we joined and went on the tours, Blair and I being the ones who showed up the most. Sean helped me find a number of places for articles.

In November, I joined Second Life Newspaper, and I now had a steady source of income. A few more tips for Blair, and some of the cartoons I sent to the newspaper came from here. Later that month, the STA hosted an art show, so I was able to feature my hangout in the news. Talking to the artists there, Kara and I found a photographer whom took what became our profile photos.

The happy times continued to December. We continued to make the STA our hangout, but still explored around some. Kara, Schism, and I occasionally took a peek back at Luskwood, the others not so much because of the lag. Soon came Christmas and New Years. These were good times, swapping a few small presents, talking about what we got in real life. And with January came the new year, 2008. We went about as before, meeting up and hanging out, exploring, going to parties, such as the ones my newspaper then was holding, and otherwise having a great time. One of the STA staff, Sparks Indigo, started up a small club in another sim. It seemed there was no end to the good times.

Then on January 25 came a shock. The STA organization canceled it’s support for the two sims Bob and Anna ran, and gave us only a few hours notice before the place was set to de-rezz. Stunned, my friends could only hang around until the end, porting to someplace nearby after it was gone. I logged in after work to get the news. It was truly a shock. Our hangout, our home in Second Life ... gone. Kara was almost in tears.

Then came more trouble. Kara had a stalker. It seems Kara met up and befriended someone at Luskwood months earlier just before his computer went kablooie, and somehow he had interpreted her words of kindness as romantic intentions over the four months he was saving up for a new computer. And when the shocked Kara tried to explain that wasn’t her intention, he went ballistic.

Eventually Schism was able to talk some sense into him. But the damage was done. Without the place she had known as home in Second Life for months, with her sense of security shattered, she told the rest of us she would be leaving, at the least for a few months, but possibly for good. At a hollow tree at a sandbox which had become our new hangout, she gave each of us a hug, and logged out.

With Kara gone, it was like the heart of our group was gone. Her roommate Kana still logged on, saying Kara was busy with college. At one point, Texas was threatened by a hurricaine. Kana told me she and Kara ended up having to spend a few days with family deeper inland. We continued to hang out at the sandbox tree, having a few parties at Spark’s club. Bob never returned to Second Life. Anna built a flower shop, which remains open to this day. We began hanging out with a bunny couple, Fortunas Sands and Caleia whom ran another club, the Fortelia club. But unfortunately troubles soon forced them to close, and Sparks soon had to close her club as well. Kana herself became a builder, showing up often in a macro av, leading to a few “fifty foot woman” jokes.

Finally in May, Kara returned, which was joyous news. But it didn’t last. After a short time, she told us she was going for good. Summer 2008 was the last time I saw her avatar to avatar. I saw her log on a few times after that, but never got an answer to my IM greetings.

She was gone.

Kana soon left for personal reasons, and then the group began to slowly drift apart. We were meeting less and less. Balt became the only one I met up with more than rarely. My work as a reporter on the Grid kept me going on my business, and eventually the road would take me to other friends, and new hangouts and homes.

But I never did forget Kara. She once told me shy as she was in Second Life, in real life she was worse. She told me if I ever greeted her hello in her real life, she’d just shy away. But one as involved in Second Life as I am, I never did forget my first good friend here. Someone whose bright smile and cheery manner helped encourage me to be more involved here, and start on the road which took me where I am now.

Here’s to you, Kara Nakamori.

Bixyl Shuftan