By DrFran Babcock
Dear DrFran:
Second Life has a number of things to offer. One is the
people. The variety of avatars certainly allows us to appear in a number of
ways, such as my furry fox avatar. Then there's how our personalities show. In
my first home, one of my neighbors was a gun-totting girl who loved to shoot
things up once in a while. We never became an item, as she preferred other
girls and was partnered to one, she a fur and her partner a human. Despite her
being a "lezzie" as she called herself, the attention of guys wasn't necessarily unwelcome as long as it didn't go too far, her responding to
whistles with a wink.
Then her partner dumped her, for reasons I never heard. My friend was naturally saddened, and I spent some extra time with her, listening to her. I thought she'd be be blue for a time, but her depression lingered and deepened. She felt worthless, despite my words of praise.
If she preferred the company of guys for intimate contact, I would have asked her out. But her preferring the company of girls, well, that option was out. I don't know what to do as the only other girl whom also did, she was partnered and she didn't know where my friend could find another.
What can I do to help my sad friend?
Worried Fox
Dear, dear
Worried Fox:
People are
generally very good and compassionate. I see how much you hurt for the pain of
your friend, and I know that you are a decent soul. However, as much as we want
folks to be happy and at peace with their lives, there is rarely anything that
we can do to make this happen. True contentment comes from within, and is not
dependent upon the acts of other people.
The best that
anyone can do for another person is to listen and to validate their experience.
People who feel that they are being heard by others seem to do very well.
Sometimes when I work with patients I don’t even say a word. I am just there as
a presence, a sounding board. Patients tell me: “That was the best session
ever,” and don’t even realize that I have said nothing.
Another thing to
consider is the nature of male female relationships. Remember that what I say
is always my opinion, and this can differ from yours and others. I find that
men and women can be friends, but usually best after they have had a love
relationship. Many people disagree with me about this, but my exes here in
Second Life and in First Life are my friends, after a period of being apart. My
belief is that if you liked the person enough to go out with them, you probably
like them. In your case, you hadn’t a chance to date your friend, and it would
not have happened, based on her relationship preferences. It’s pretty well
known that “lezzies” may sleep with men, but they really do prefer to be with
women. However, this does not mean she couldn’t be your friend, and I guess she
is.
The rules of
attraction are so complicated. A very wise therapist once told me that when you
are out and about you are dragging all your emotional luggage around with you.
If you should stumble upon someone to whom you are attracted you throw your
luggage into a heap with their luggage, and you hope you have a matched set.
The pile of valises gets higher and higher each time we do this. And yet, many
of us do it over and over again.
Worried Fox, I
hope you have found some happiness, because it is very evident to me that you
are a kind and caring fox.
Fondly,
DrFran
Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you
