SLife and Times: Fake or Cheating

By Tiddily Winks

    There are many people who come on Second life for many reasons.  Some people think that if a person is having intimate dates on Second Life, then they are cheating on their real life mates.  Other people think that Second Life is just fake. Inquiring minds want to know what you think.  Is SL intimacy outside a marriage fake or cheating? 

    Many people come on Second Life to be intimate with others they have met online.  These people may be in a real life relationship as well.  This is kept secret by some of the people who play intimately on SL but is not kept from the real life mate all the time.  It is something the person needs to choose to do but may hide the fact that what they are doing may be wrong.  This may be done because of a lack of intimacy in his or her real life.  This may be done because of fantasy that a real life relationship does not fill.  Whatever the reason, it is up to the person on Second Life to talk to his or her real-life mate.  It is not something that is necessarily a good thing to hide.   Still some people use SL as stress reliever.  It can be relaxing to come on SL and reduce the stress that real-life causes.  It is also used to live out fantasies that are not possible to live out in real life. 

    Some people do not have contact with others much in the real world due to different reasons.  So the people like this use Second Life to meet people and have a social life.  Because they are not able to for whatever reason they have in real-life, this is a way to meet some great people.  SL is how some people socialize. 

    Some people think that everything on Second Life is fake.  “All of it is if fake and pixels.”  If it is so fake then why do so many people use it for different reasons?  Yes, it is true that most people do not look like that avatars do in real life but SL is a way of getting away for your issues in real-life.  So why would anyone want to look like themselves to come and do someone that is not real?

    No matter what people use Second Life for, there is one important thing to always remember.  No matter what, there is still a real person who is behind the screen that can be hurt by things that are done on SL.  So don’t purposely go around hurting people just because you do not agree with what they do or how they look.  If you are in a real life relationship, do not try to hide Second Life from your significant other.  It may just cause trouble for you later on.

Tiddily Winks

Ask DrFran: The Green-Eyed Monster

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I never thought that I would be someone who would write to you. I mean, I have never really had much in the way of problems in my life, and haven’t really had the need to ask for help. I seem to have become another person lately.

It’s funny, in a way, because many people believe that Second Life™ is the place to become someone other than the human you are—to try on a new persona.  The new “me” should have been someone with better values and qualities to admire. Yet, I have become someone I would look upon with scorn.

I was not looking for romance in Second Life™. I was at a concert of a performer whom I like a lot, when I received an IM from someone I didn’t know. They asked me about something I had in my profile that had to do with an interest in railroads in Second Life™. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that it was a pick up line, I responded, and we chatted happily while listening to the music. It turned out that Carl liked this singer as much as I did, and that we had a few other interests in common. He was involved in the mainland railroads, and we shared about sims we had visited with active trains. He mentioned a few other places to which I had never been that had great train sets on them. I didn’t think anything of it, and logged when the concert was over.

The following day, Carl IMed me, sent me a friend request, and asked me if I wanted to see some of the beautiful train sims we had chatted about. I agreed, and we spent a very pleasurable few hours visiting the NY Healthscape sims, which have a long train ride on them, and a group of Japanese sims that had a monorail.

Fast forward to three months later, and Carl and I are spending most of our time in Second Life together. I never realized how close you can become to someone when you only have  voice or typing for commnication.

Slowly, I found myself becoming very dependent upon Carl for passing the hours in world. It was such a gradual transition, that it took me by surprise when he didn’t log in one day, and I found myself in a sad and angry state. This was so not me. I am not someone who moons over guys, and Carl wasn’t even a flesh and blood presence in my life. What the heck was going on?

I couldn’t believe that I had been moved to such an extreme of emotion, so I was not prepared for what followed. Carl was not about much any more. I remembered that he had told me the name of an alt he used, he said, when he was working on the mainland train and trolley lines. I searched for the name of the alt, and was surprised to find that the alt was online.

What I did next was shameful. Even now, as I think of it, I redden and dislike myself. I logged in an alt, and IMed Carl’s alt. I made up a silly excuse about a trolley on the mainland line malfunctioning and his name was on the vehicle. He asked for a TP, and we spent a few minutes chatting.  I scrutinized his profile and saw a pick for his home location.  I went on the Marketplace and spent a lot of Lindens on a spy HUD.

In the following days I hung out near Carl’s alt’s home sim, and waited with the spy HUD. It only took two days before I found him several thousand meters away on his sim. There was another green dot on the map with him. Knowing that he might not even remember my alt, I TPed over to his location, and spied behind the walls to find him in an embrace with another female avatar.

I teleported away, but frankly, I don’t kno whether to be more upset about his infidelity, or the way I behaved. This jealous, stalking behavior—where did it come from? In truth, I haven’t stopped. I keep stalking both avatars whenever I can. I have map rights on Carl, and check out where he is whenever I can. It takes all my willpower not to teleport right up to him and confront him. I have been so ashamed that I have stopped speaking with him, and log on at times when I know he cannot be in world.

Help me to make sense of this, DrFran. 

Sign me: Jealous Fool


Dear Jealous:

I can see how Carl’s behavior was hurtful, and could have brought about the response that you describe. I don’t really have a lot of information about Carl from your letter, and will have to speak in generalities. I congratulate you on the bravery it must have taken to write to me about this.

Human nature is odd, and we can never know when something will happen that will trigger a response in us that seems out of character. A good example of this is when people behave in extraordinarily brave ways when a crisis occurs.  Conversly, the worst in us can come out in certain situations. We all have a dark side; all of us. It is impossible to be human without it. Most of the time this side of us doesn’t surface. The response to Carl pulling away from you must have reminded you of some long ago loss of a person’s attention.

Psych 101 quickie class: Whenever I have a strong reaction to a seemingly neutral or upsetting situation, there is information I can learn. For example: I grew up in a home where mistakes and failures were just not permitted. If I came home with a 99% on a test, I was asked why I hadn’t gotten a 100% on the test. Of course, as an adult, I have come to understand that a 99% is a damned good grade. However, any time I feel that I am being criticized, or told that my work is not up to par, I really start to freak out. I am able to say to myself: “That was then, and this is now,” and I avoid a melt down. When I was younger, it was not so easy.

What I think you need to think about, Jealous is if you can make a connection with Carl’s infidelity. As I said, I don’t have enough information to even make a guess as to what it might be. However, I do think that someone in your early years did something that you may have interpreted as a betrayal.

Stalkers often behave as they do because they feel a loss of control, when someone pulls away from them. The more the person detaches from them; the stronger the urge to cling, and to demand information. This only pushes the person further away. Therefore, the only suggestion I have beyond looking into your past, is to stop the behavior immediately. If you can resist checking up on Carl, you will find over time, that the impulse to know what he’s up to will fade. I know it doesn’t feel that way just at this moment, but it’s so. Please don’t confront him. This will never turn out well.

Please let me know how you make out, if you uncover any past betrayals, or if you have an update on your relationship with Carl.

Fondly, DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "A Buddy Comes Out"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

In real life, I’m a bit afraid of gays, or "homer-sexuals" as my Dad called them. He considered them bad news as men in general had only one thing on their mind, and gays were different only in they'd be after your behind instead of bragging to you about how much they got. A friendship with one, he told me, was impossible. And he felt that if any were dumb enough to show themselves back in the farm community he grew up in, the expression "he needed killin’" might be brought to bear.

Coming to Second Life™, I found a few, but not many, at least among the men. There have been a few in their profile who called themselves "bisexual," but not many male homosexuals. Maybe in SL's Libertarian "mind your own business" attitude, most keep quiet about it, but I can only guess. But some haven't. Some kept to themselves. Others acted like my Old Man warned me they would, being pests and flirting with any guy who was unlucky enough to draw their attention.

For most of the time, I didn't think too much about the subject, being occupied with going about in Second Life™ and making friends. Among my first friends was "Kay" (not his real SL name) a short, furry guy who liked music and would occasionally play at music events at a favorite hangout of mine. We would also talk with other friends about computer games and goings on in SL and first life, as well as places we’d seen. We'd also do some activities together, such as a weekly tour group in SL. He could be a little sad at times, saying he had trouble finding someone in real life, but I thought nothing of it.

Then after over a year, Kay told me he had a bit of news. He admitted he was gay. He told me he had dated girls in first life, but just couldn't feel an attraction. This bit of news was stunning. I thought I had known him, and it turned out I hadn’t.

I didn't feel afraid of him—between his small size and his passive, well-mannered attitude. But what did make me worry was when Kay told us who he was in a relationship with. The guy, who was not really gay but bisexual, was known to be a troublemaker, harassing a lady friend of ours in first life. I reminded him of that, saying this guy had been bad news. But he persisted, showing up with him at his side. So I acted friendly, hoping my buddy was right in that he changed.

As it turned out, the troublemaker hadn’t changed. Some time later, I heard from a mutual friend they had broken up. It was a few days later when Kay finally logged back on. I met up with him, and my buddy was in tears. He had found his partner in bed with another guy, basically laughing off their relationship. He had not only given his heart and found it thrown back at him, but in exposing his biggest secret, many ‘friends’ had stopped talking to him. He felt more depressed than ever.

It was at this point I did something I thought I’d never do. I gave the guy a hug—first time on SL I had ever done so to another male.

Kay remained on Second Life™ a little longer, but eventually he stopped coming on a regular basis. He would pop in once in a while to say hello, but he had more or less moved on.

I’m not wondering what makes a guy gay. Whatever happened, he didn't ask for it. But what I do wonder is what made him “come out?” There are many stories of guys who have done so, only to be shunned by friends and family alike. Surely he would have known. Why couldn't he have just kept quiet about it? 

Wondering


Dear Wondering:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter and question. It is a testament to your maturity that you did not go on to embrace unquestioningly the beliefs of your father, as so many people have over time. You have had the ability to see things for yourself, and to take people as you meet them, without prejudice (note: prejudice means to pre-judge, and you didn’t).

Kay is not an unusual case. I have met many gay men and lesbians in my days on the grid. Second Life™ can provide a hiding place for people who have secrets. My own belief is that no matter where you go; there you are. No amount of running and hiding can allow a person to hide from themselves. The pain of not being truly who one believes themself to be is often unbearable for people. I believe that is what was behind Kay’s need to “come out.” Kay was unable to be who he was, and that dishonesty hurts people. I don’t know if you have ever had to appear in a human avatar in Second Life™, but if you did you might know what I am talking about. I believe you said you are a furry, and that is your identity here on the Grid. So, imagine having to act “human” here, and interact with friends and lovers as a human, when every cell in your body tells you that you are a fur. Most people could not do that for any length of time.

I am sure that Kay was well aware of the stigma of being homosexual. Despite all of the growth we residents have made and show, many folks still fear “homer-sexuals” Kay took a risk that he had to take.

On a more psychological note: It has been my experience that gays and lesbians prefer to have their affections returned. A homosexual who pursues a straight person is probably dealing with emotional difficulties. It’s no different than the woman or man who always seems to find the one person who will not or cannot return their love. Generally, without some insight they are unable to change this behavior, and will go on looking for love in all the wrong places for the rest of their life.

Kay made a bad choice in a partner; something you and his other friends warned him about, but without success. Is this any different than a straight relationship? I think not. People will love the wrong people, but mostly they will pursue people whom they think will like them. Poor Kay will heal, but his experience in Second Life™ may have soured him for future attempts at being gay here. Not because he is gay, but because he had a bad experience.

Your hug was an expression of true caring and compassion. I applaud you for the bravery it must have taken. Think for a moment…Kay didn’t pursue you romantically, so he must have seen you for what you are: his friend. Maybe he will make another try in Second Life™. We know there is no way to say, but I am glad that he has your for a friend should he try to stick his snout in again.

Thanks for your heartfelt letter.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: How Can I Get Him Back?

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I am sure that you can help me with this problem I have been having for a few months. Since my boyfriend and I have broken up, I have been pining for him, and can’t get him out of my mind. The funny thing is that it was me who broke up the relationship.

Fred (not his real name) and I have been an item for a long time by Second Life™ standards. Just before the break up I was starting to feel a bit neglected, and wondering if Fred was seeing someone else here—something that is all too easy to do in this virtual world. I got really angry with him one night, and just unfriended him, and refused to speak with him for a while.

Now, several months later, I find that I miss him terribly. He kept Instant Messaging me after the break up, even though I did not return the messages. One day I did respond to an IM, and I found that feelings of having missed him started to well up in me. I realized that I had made a mistake in breaking up in such a dramatic way.

DrFran, although we haven’t re-friended (he says he was too hurt to let an unfriending happen again) we still do speak often. I have no way to know if he is online, nor does he know about me. Therefore, it takes some effort for us to chat, but it does seem to happen.

I want us to be back together, but that hasn’t happened. Yet, I think that he is really wanting the same thing, but just afraid to try being a couple again. I keep giving him gifts of builds I have made. In fact, he used one on his land. I started to wear purple hair, because I know it’s his favorite color. I try to stay in world at times when I think he will be online. I have even told him that I still care for him. What can I do to encourage him to take me back? I just know it’s what he wants. 

 Wanting

Dear Wanting: Sometimes I really hate my job. I get letters such as yours, filled with hopes and dreams for a better future all the time. How can I get him back? That’s probably the number one question I get asked. If you listen to popular music, you will hear songs about: “Come back to me,” all the time. Loss is a big part of being a human, and here in Second Life™ things feel even more intense. So, your loss is a great one.

The reason I hate my job at times, is because I have to tell people bad news. Wanting, the bad news is that more than likely Fred is not coming back. How do I know this? Well, (guys cover your ears) men are not very complex when it comes to women. When a guy wants a woman, he will usually go and get her. There’s none of the doubt and obsession, and constant inner debating that is the work of women throughout the world.

If Fred wanted to be back with you; he would so be there. I know you will try to tell me that he’s shy, or maybe he was hurt and is being careful. Invoking the world of the old Magic 8 ball: Odds are not in your favor. Fred is being nice, because most people would rather eat glass than look like a bad guy. So, he chats with you, may even IM you first, will accept your gifts, and other signs that he is coming back. He wouldn’t friend with you, and that is big. Did you feel rejected by that? It was a rejection, in my opinion.

There is nothing that you can do—no hair color, gift, availability, etc.—that will bring Fred back unless that’s what he wants to do. When people push, I always remember what Princess Leia said to Darth Vader, when he was trying to force information out of her: The tighter you squeeze; the more star systems will slip through your fingers. People hate feeling manipulated and forced. I am sure you do, as well.

My advice, since you asked, is to go one with your second life. If Fred wants to be back in your life, he will do that. Otherwise, you moving on is the only way to ensure that you will get to enjoy your time here. I hope you decide to let go, move on, and enjoy all those things you deserve. By the way: Purple hair? Well, Relay for Life is in full swing, so maybe your hair will do for that, but it won’t get Mr. Wont-be-your-Friend back in your life. 

Cheers, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: Lonely; Not Alone

Dear DrFran:

My Second Life girlfriend, Daisy, is the love of my life. Since we met  we have been together all the time. I have come to depend on her for planning all of our activities. She dresses me, she buys the furniture in our house, she suggests land to buy, etc. She is like a busy bee, always flittering about. Of course, I wouldn’t be writing you DrFran, if things were all rosey.

About a month ago, Daisy got a job here working for one of the big estate holders. She is responsible for responding to renters requests when she is on duty, and the owner of the estates has come to rely upon her, for building parts of the islands, and other duties. It’s not surprising as Daisy is most capable. The problem for me is that she is never available any more to do the things we used to do, and I spend a lot of time just sitting around and waiting for her to have time. I don’t think she’s cheating on me. She just seems to be busy all the time. Even more, with the Relay for Life season approaching, she will be even busier. Please tell me what to do? 

Yours, 

Alone Again.

Dear AA: Your last sentence kind of sums things up: Please tell me what to do? Why should any grown person need someone else to tell them what to do? It seems that Daisy was helping you to live, and you became so dependent upon her direction that you somehow lost the ability to think for yourself. I am not surprised that she has become busy elsewhere. Relationships need to be about give and take, and the one you describe is a bit one-sided.

I have no idea how to get Daisy to come back to you. However I do have some ideas for you. The best way to make yourself attractive to another person is to have your own interests and pursuits:

1.     I have said this before, and I will say it again: Do what you like in Second Life. You know that anything goes…so go do what you love. Love hockey? Well there are many hockey leagues in Second Life, same goes for all sports. I know many folks here who race cars happily, engage in wizardry tournaments, etc. There is something for everybody. Most important is that it is something you want to do.

2.     DrFran can be guilty of this next attribute, so be aware that I say what I say because of experience: DO NOT BE NEEDY. I can hear the whine in your voice, AA. I can’t tell you how unattractive that looks. I have lost first and Second Life partners by being clingy, demanding of time, or just “there,” wanting attention. See number one for what to do instead of waiting for your love to show up.

3.     Make some male friends. Friends are a great way to spend time in Second Life. The grid is enormous and filled with things of wonder and delight. Have you ever visited the Disney Parade? On the hour the characters march by to music. Silly fun, but fun nonetheless, and with a group of people, it’s even better. I don’t want you to think I am minimizing your feelings, or your ability to make friends, but it’s a lot easier in Second Life than in First Life. I find that all that is required is to speak up a bit in group settings. People are interested in people who seem alive with ideas and comments. If what you describe above is accurate, I have the feeling that people see you as just a shadow of your girlfriend, without a life of your own.

4.     Be honest: If you really care for Daisy, tell her so. This does NOT mean that you say it in a way that is a plea. True love is love that does not make a demand for reciprocation. State your love simply, and let it go. A person who loves you will heat that and respond.  A person who does not love you will never hear anything you say about love.

I hope this is helpful to you, AA. It is time for you to get your own Second Life. If not, I fear that Daisy will drift further and further away. Maybe next time you log in, you will follow your dreams, so that you can say: “Oh, I am sorry, I am busy with this trivia game,” next time. Maybe then, just maybe Daisy will see that you have a mind of your own, and that it makes you more attractive to her.

Please feel free to write to me again, and let me know how you make out. 

Yours, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "A Friend in Need"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:  

Second Life has a number of things to offer. One is the people. The variety of avatars certainly allows us to appear in a number of ways, such as my furry fox avatar. Then there's how our personalities show. In my first home, one of my neighbors was a gun-totting girl who loved to shoot things up once in a while. We never became an item, as she preferred other girls and was partnered to one, she a fur and her partner a human. Despite her being a "lezzie" as she called herself, the attention of guys wasn't necessarily unwelcome as long as it didn't go too far, her responding to whistles with a wink.

When the home went under after the owner couldn't afford to keep it up longer, I lost touch with many friends there. But we kept in touch with each other. Over time, we met more often, including a few rounds at firing ranges, and at combat sandboxes, watching each others' backs.

Then her partner dumped her, for reasons I never heard. My friend was naturally saddened, and I spent some extra time with her, listening to her. I thought she'd be be blue for a time, but her depression lingered and deepened. She felt worthless, despite my words of praise.

If she preferred the company of guys for intimate contact, I would have asked her out. But her preferring the company of girls, well, that option was out. I don't know what to do as the only other girl whom also did, she was partnered and she didn't know where my friend could find another.

What can I do to help my sad friend?

Worried Fox

Dear, dear Worried Fox:

People are generally very good and compassionate. I see how much you hurt for the pain of your friend, and I know that you are a decent soul. However, as much as we want folks to be happy and at peace with their lives, there is rarely anything that we can do to make this happen. True contentment comes from within, and is not dependent upon the acts of other people.

The best that anyone can do for another person is to listen and to validate their experience. People who feel that they are being heard by others seem to do very well. Sometimes when I work with patients I don’t even say a word. I am just there as a presence, a sounding board. Patients tell me: “That was the best session ever,” and don’t even realize that I have said nothing.

Another thing to consider is the nature of male female relationships. Remember that what I say is always my opinion, and this can differ from yours and others. I find that men and women can be friends, but usually best after they have had a love relationship. Many people disagree with me about this, but my exes here in Second Life and in First Life are my friends, after a period of being apart. My belief is that if you liked the person enough to go out with them, you probably like them. In your case, you hadn’t a chance to date your friend, and it would not have happened, based on her relationship preferences. It’s pretty well known that “lezzies” may sleep with men, but they really do prefer to be with women. However, this does not mean she couldn’t be your friend, and I guess she is.

The rules of attraction are so complicated. A very wise therapist once told me that when you are out and about you are dragging all your emotional luggage around with you. If you should stumble upon someone to whom you are attracted you throw your luggage into a heap with their luggage, and you hope you have a matched set. The pile of valises gets higher and higher each time we do this. And yet, many of us do it over and over again.

Worried Fox, I hope you have found some happiness, because it is very evident to me that you are a kind and caring fox. 

Fondly, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you

Ask DrFran: "The Roles We Play"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

I am writing to you out of frustration with my relationship here in Second Life. Alfie and I have been a couple here for over two years, and during this time we have built a strong night club business, and a small real estate holding company, renting shops to people who want to be near a prosperous night club. We make enough money doing this to pay the tier on the two sims we own together.

Lately, though, what’s been happening is that I log in and Alfie tells me that he’s busy with a customer. So, I set up the deejays, send out the announcements for the events, greet folks, keep the chatter going, audition and hire acts, and even clean the sims of prims left behind by visitors. I handle all the rental properties and take care of any issues my customers may have. What began as a fun partnership is becoming a full-time, busy job for me. 


The final touch was the other night while there were 26 people in the club, dancing and having a good time. I was in private chats with the deejay working on the stream, a friend of mine who rents a dress shop on one of our sims, and a newbie in the club who was having trouble figuring out how to make the dance ball work for him.  All of this was taking place at the same time that I was in open chat joking and laughing with the crowd, and setting up the board for the evening’s Best in Formal contest. Alfie logged in, and I immediately IMed him asking for help. He told me he would be there in a few minutes, but he never showed up, and logged out about an hour after logging in.

The following day, furious, I emailed him with a request to speak with him for a bit. A day later he responded to my mail, and showed up in world that evening. Now, DrFran, I am not stupid, and I tend to assess situations by what people do, and not by what they say. Therefore, I had already guessed that Alfie was not interested in continuing to be my partner, but I was not prepared for his response. After I calmly detailed to him the extent of the work I had done, and requested that he help me with some of this, he became sullen and wanted to know why I was picking on him and trying to control him. I was shocked.


From that day until today I have been doing most of the work for our two sims. Alfie is usually online playing in one of he weapons sandboxes or spending a lot of Lindens on Zyngo and things. If I so much as ask him to be present for an event he starts to whine, and logs out.


What can I do to get him to pull his weight in our business, and what can I do to show him that I care? 

Signed: Disappointed.

Dear Disappointed: The situation about which you write is a very common one. In the beginning you were so enamored of each other that it was hard to see anything but good. As time goes on in relationships they pass from this euphoric state to the day-to-day realities of life. This is especially true for working partners.

What has happened is this: People will hate me, but in most cases, we become one of our parents and connect with someone who is like our other parent (provided we had two parents). So, if one parent was responsible and the other one wasn’t that is the roles we adopt. Even worse, at times we become the responsible parent while our partner evolves into the bad little kid. I think this is what has happened in your case. You are juggling all the balls while Alfie is off playing. In addition, he may have begun to see you as the punishing parent, always ready to reprimand him. Unfortunately, once this happens to a relationship it is hard to recover your balance. Have you ever noticed, that no matter how much you have accomplished in your life, when you go home you become a little kid again?

Yes, I know this isn’t always the case, but the situation you describe sounds like Alfie sees you now as someone wagging a finger at him. Sadly, this is the death of desire. If you are able to negotiate a purely business relationship with this guy, with a contract that outlines each of your responsibilities, you might be able to salvage your sims. However, I don’t think you will get Alfie to see you in any other way than as a stern parent, and folks don’t generally feel attracted to their parents.

I am sorry this has happened, but DrFran has learned more from broken relationships. I make a lot of mistakes; I try not to make the same mistake over and over. I hope you can do something to make this the best outcome possible. Please write to me again. I want to hear how you made out, Disappointed.

DrFran Babcock

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: Caught Between Two Worlds

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: I have a feeling what I am going to tell you is not uncommon, but I haven’t seen it yet in your column so I thought I would bring it up.

I am a long time Second Life resident, and I joined originally because my kids are grown, my husband works long hours, and I don’t really enjoy the stuff that other women my age are into in their daily lives. Sharing recipes and talking about clothes is just not as exciting to me as building castles and raising Lindens for the American Cancer Society. My creativity is expressed in the things I make here, and although I have usually given them away for free, or donated them for charity events, I am fulfilled by what I do.

My question for you begins during last year’s Relay for Life events, when a newcomer joined our old and established team for the first time. His avatar was a very handsome male, and he almost always wore suits, and took pains with his appearance. His building and scripting skills added a dimension to our team camp that really struck a high note for the team. As one of the main landscapers and vendor monitors for the team we were together often while planning out and working on things. We chatted amiably for a few weeks, neither of us revealing any personal information—until we started to share. That was when I noticed I was starting to have feelings for him. For the first time I didn’t feel sorry for myself that my husband, a surgeon, was rarely around. Max, as I will call him, was a professional (keeping some details vague here), and lived in another continent from me.  I kept our conversation light, despite my growing sense of intimacy, and worked hard not to let him know I was falling for him.

A few days before Relay opened officially, we were at one of the many pre-RFL parties, and he asked me to dance. While we were dancing, he asked me in I had voice, and for the first time we chatted in voice while we danced. I had never been so entranced, or so engaged in Second Life. I still tried not to let on about my feelings for him. His English was flawless, but his slight accent was a thrill to me. We talked and talked, and before I knew it my husband was home, so I logged.

From then on, no matter what we were doing, building, at a meeting, planning to run Relay, etc., we were in voice, talking and talking. He started to make statements related to having me come to visit him. I still had no idea what he looked like, nor did he know what I looked like. That didn’t seem to matter, because our friendship had been built on talking and sharing, and that seemed to get more intense and revealing each day. Finally, in what by this time was no surprise, he told me that he cared about me as more than just a friend. My heart literally leapt out of my chest, and out of my mouth poured all the things I had been holding inside. We were like two kids jumping up and down with joy. To this day it’s the highlight of my emotional life.

From that day on, Max and I have been inseparable. We have shared everything about our stories, our lives, and all our little secrets. He wanted me to come to his continent to visit. We now knew what each other looked like, and we were even more in love. When I had to log out I would feel empty and alone. I was happy that my husband was never around.

Finally, I decided to go visit Max for a week when my husband left for two weeks for a medical conference in Houston. I knew he would never know I was gone, because he rarely calls, and with my cell phone it would not matter.

Suffice it to say that Max and I hit it off better than I even imagined. I went home to my husband, dejected and missing Max. Since then Max has been begging me to come back and live with him. Now, Max not a rich man, like my husband, but I love him. I am so tormented. Should I leave my husband for this man, Max?  Undecided

Dear Undecided: I wonder why you have written to me, when it seems that you have already made up your mind? That said, I do have opinions, my opinions, on the subject of infidelity, love, and choices.

I am not a fan of infidelity. I understand just how easy it is to be attracted to someone other than the person with whom you are married, but it speaks to a lack of commitment and integrity. However, I am not judging. It does seem as if Max is way more attentive than your husband, who seems most like a good provider, and nothing more.

True love is something that is very rare to find. In Second Life we often form very close and intimate relationships, because lacking the visuals, we have to communicate verbally. We can’t fall into bed with someone and develop the relationship after (note: We can virtually, but that is a different thing. ).
By the way, you didn’t say whether or not you slept with Max when you visited, but that would serve to make the relationship stronger. Did you know that lovemaking releases chemicals that make women desire their man even more strongly? (How Oxytocin Works )

Let me address the question of making decisions, as that will remove me from my obvious bias about fidelity. Undecided, there is a somewhat objective way to decide what to do. Make a list of the pros and cons of each decision. Do not do this in your head, but put it on paper, so you can see it in black and white. Often, this simple task, when completed honestly, can give you the answer you seek.

I wish you luck in your decision, whatever it is. Please keep us posted here about what happens.  Thanks,

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: It’s All About Perception

Dear DrFran: I don’t think it’s the lack of face-to-face First Life contact that caused the problem I am about to share with you. I think it was a difference in worldview. I just closed out a chapter in my Second Life that causes me a lot of emotional pain. I wonder over and over how I could have so missed the mark.

My guy and I didn’t meet and start the usual whirlwind SL relationship of: 1) hello; 2) let’s have sex; 3) let’s be a couple; 4) that’s enough; 5) good-bye. We were united over an interest in building and creating, and that’s what brought us together. He IMed me one day to discuss something he noted in my profile while we were both in the audience of the old Show and Tell. The more we talked, the more we found that we had similar interests in travel, culture and were both fanatical lovers of the wonder that is Second Life. We chatted pretty regularly for almost eight months before we actually spent any time together. I invited him over to my land to see a build I was working on. Thus began almost three years of just about daily contact, hours and hours of time logged building together, creating a sim, and talking, talking, talking. In the entire time I was with him, I was not ever bored or looking for topics to discuss. We were both interested in many things and interested in each other’s interests. I learned a lot from him, and I believe he learned a lot from me.

The only fly in the ointment was the way we fought, which we did with increasing frequency as time went on. Our fights usually started with me getting angry at him because he didn’t log in until I had waited many hours, or he was critical of the things I was building. I guess that’s not such unusual stuff, but as time went on it seemed that our differences were irreconcilable. When I got angry, he would just get angry back, and we descended into yelling back and forth without any common ground. No matter how many times I told him that I got angry because I cared, he just refused to accept this and move an inch in making peace. He brought up ex-girlfriends in SL all the time, despite the fact that I told him, assertively and calmly that this behavior upset me. I asked him not to do this, and he did. Eventually, we just could not come to any reasonable compromise with each other. From my standpoint, every attempt I made to tell him that I cared was met with a list of all the things I had done wrong. Despite my feelings for him, which persist to today, it had to end. I feel like a junkie without my drug. I went from knowing there was someone to talk to, to having a hole in the fabric of my Second Life.

I wish there had been some way to let him know that I really cared for him—his intelligence, humor, building and scripting skills, and just how zany he could be. However, this is done. I know I will eventually get over this, but what could I have done differently.   

Lonely on the Mainland.


Dear Lonely: I am sorry for the pain you are feeling now. There is probably no worse pain than that of a lost relationship. You have asked what you could do differently, so I will not comment on your significant other’s behavior. Besides, you said you two see things differently, thus I don’t know how accurate your descriptions of his behavior might be.

I can say some things to you. Yes, I know you are hurt. Yes, I know that you cared about this guy. Yes, you had a real and long relationship with him, and unlike many others DrFran believes it’s all real here. You can run, but you can’t hide from who you are.

That said, a lot of the things that you did were designed to push him away. (NOTE: In the interest of protecting the anonymity of this avatar, I removed some details about events that occurred, but my answer reflects some of this additional information) Nobody likes folks who are demanding and needy. I understand that you cared about him, but responding to his lack of logging in with anger could only serve to alienate and anger him. I am not blaming you; I am trying to help you see what he might have perceived. If you really cared about him, the best thing would have been to ignore his attempts at angering you by mentioning ex-girlfriends. Each time you got enraged, you pushed him further away.

People are so imperfect, me, you, your ex. When we care about someone we learn to make peace with what we see as their faults and shortcomings, or we decide not to accept and leave.

Lonely, if you are lucky enough to enter another relationship see if you can: Live and Let Live a little. You sound like a caring person, and I hope you can learn to lay back a bit, and let people be who they are. Meanwhile, I hope you have other friends and interests to engage your time. If not, ask yourself why you invested so much in just one person. You used the word “addict,” and I hope that you care for people rather than get addicted to them. Hugs and best wishes. DrFran

If you have a question for DrFran Babcock, please send her a notecard, or you can email at: DrFranBabcock@mac.com

DISCLAIMER: Ask DrFran is not meant to reflect a professional mental health opinion, nor necessarily the opinions of SL Newser. The primary purpose of this column is entertainment and journalism.

ADDENDUM: A reader contacted me following the Weighty Issues column of last week with some very good, different, and perspective changing views on overweight, health, and society’s thoughts about obesity. The reader used facts, research and logic to dispute my opinion that obesity presents health problems. If anyone reading this is interested in receiving the scholarly information on this topic, please email me at the above address.

Ask DrFran: I Don’t Want to Live Any More.

Dear DrFran:

I have been unable to sleep for days now, since my friend, Mia, disappeared from Second Life. I feel completely responsible for what happened, and will never forgive myself if she kills herself.

What happened was this: Mia and I have been good friends for some time in Second Life. We are hunt buddies, and fashionistas. About a month ago I met a guy here, and we have been spending more and more time together. Since then, Mia has become more and more upset with me, accusing me of not really being her friend, and of having never really liked her anyway.  She also tells me my boyfriend is no good, just using me, and will eventually leave me. None of this is true. She just seems a little needy to me, and now she may have done something horrible.

Things came to a head the other night, two days ago. Mia logged in and told me that she would not be in Second Life any more, that she had no friends here, that the people she hung out with all really hated her anyway, and she was going to kill herself. I asked her if she meant in Second Life or in First Life, too? She told me both, logged, and I haven’t seen her since.

What if I am the one that caused her to kill herself? Can you help me?                                                           

Depressed and scared

Dear Depressed:

First: Promise me you will not blame yourself for what happened. Stop and think about this logically for a moment. Is there really anything you can do if someone you don’t really know tells you they are going to kill themselves? You are not to blame. Yes, Mia sounds a bit dramatic, and may have been upset that you were spending more time with your new boyfriend. In spite of this, you in no way are responsible for what she intended to do or not do, and Mia may be suffering from a severe depression.

Depression is a real illness, and one of the symptoms of depression is a desire to die. DrFran (I talk about myself in the third person when I am very, very serious) takes suicide at face value. If someone in First Life told me they wanted to die, I would not let them out of my sight, I would call 911 or some other emergency services, and I would make sure they were in a safe place before I left their side.

Anyone who threatens suicide in Second Life to people who have no way to contact them is either not serious about the act, or is very serious and does not want to be stopped.

The human will to live is very strong, and someone who can overcome that enough to try to take his or her life is suffering horribly. At this holiday time, it is important to watch for signs that someone may be contemplating taking their life. However, it is not your responsibility to do this in Second Life.

If anyone reading this is feeling suicidal, has plans and the means to commit suicide: I know you may feel that there are no options left, but what you are feeling is the disease of depression talking to you. There is help.

In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Internationally: http://www.suicidehotlines.com/international.html A joyous and healthy holiday season to you all. DrFran

Ask DrFran: One Fur the Books

By DrFran Babcock

My latest inquiry deals with a topic that I call the last frontier in Second Life: Gender.

Dear DrFran: 

I am sure I am not the first one to have had this problem, but I don’t really know where to go with it. So here goes…

I am a male, tan fox in Second Life, and I fancy myself rather a handsome one at that. I have spent time at Luskwood and Sunweavers and even The Ink Spot. But I was looking for a different place to hang out one day, and went to one of the many nude beaches. I am sure that you will understand that I don’t want to be too specific about details in my story.

It was at this nude beach that I met a female white tiger whose avatar just knocked me out. She was pretty and winsome, and I was immediately attracted. Even better, when we started to IM, we found that we had a lot of musical interests that were similar, and loved the same movies. This woman, whom I will call Silvercat, even knew a bit of building and scripting—two of my favorite activities in Second Life, beyond meeting beautiful furs. We hit it off so well that we planned to meet at a sandbox the following day to chat and build and show off things we had made. It turned out that she was very skilled in creating furniture and texturing it to be just perfect to my taste. I could see that I had really found a soul mate. After spending some time building, at which she really excelled, we went to a furry club, and danced the night away, chatting and laughing. 


I suppose I should have suspected something was amiss when she wouldn’t do voice chat with me. She told me she didn’t have a lot of money, and that she didn’t have a headset, and that her computer was too old to handle all the bells and whistles of Second Life. I guess I agreed to accept this explanation. (In retrospect, I might have asked to phone her. Surely she had a telephone.)


Eventually, our relationship moved to intimacy, and I was thrilled at the intensity, humor, and creativity of her cyber skills. We became inseparable, and I started to think of asking her to partner with me, and move to my house. She was not a premium member, did not rent land, and did seem to have limited income. 


We continued to talk, laugh, make love, and I was completely in heat. On a Saturday night, while we strolled on a furry-friendly island, I asked her to be mine. She told me she would think about it and let me know the next day. She then logged out, and I was left stupefied: Let me know???

Well, you might guess what came next; or maybe you won’t. Silvercat logged in the next day, and began her IM by telling me she had something to tell me. To spare you all the details, she let me know that she was actually a guy, and apologized for leading me on without telling me. Then she un-friended me and logged.


Here is my dilemma. I did not get angry at what was surely a betrayal of me. I am creeped out that I was with a man, but the fact is, that I didn’t know, and I really have strong feelings for her, um, him. He hasn’t answered any of my IMs, and I guess I will have to just take the time to heal. I understand that. What I don’t understand is why someone would do that to somebody, and how can I keep it from happening again? 

Feeling Unfoxy


Dear Feeling, First, I am sorry for the emotional pain you must be experiencing. I said above that gender is the final frontier in Second Life. As a female, what I have learned is that people exist along a continuum of ways in which they relate to gender, identity, and finally honesty.

I am someone who has always been honest about whom I am in Second Life, and I know a LOT of, mostly men, who openly play female avatars, and a few women playing men. However, playing a female avatar, not revealing it, and entering into a relationship with another avatar, is, in my opinion, unethical and mean.

I know I am in the minority in this belief. I am a lover of Second Life, and I read the forums, have gender discussions with peers, and generally consider myself to be open-minded. Being dishonest with someone to the point that it hurts his or her feelings is wrong. Yes, most of the men with whom I speak see Second Life as a role-play game. Their view is often: “Well, if this person wants to engage with me, it’s not my fault that they don’t know. That’s the risk they take.”

Feeling, I don’t think you have to worry at all that you are a homosexual, if that’s a problem for you. You responded to this “woman” as a male, because, to you, that’s what she was. Moving forward, I would make these few suggestions:

If you are really looking for a relationship, and your loving descriptions of Silvercat make me think you are, I would ask for gender information from the start. Yes, I know many view that as an invasion, or inappropriate. Saying something like: “ I was really hurt by entering into a relationship with someone who turned out to be a guy. I have to know that you are not a guy,” is an honest way of requesting integrity from another avatar. I wouldn’t ask this question until I was close to the point of wanting to cyber. I will assume by that point that you want more of a relationship, but, being female I could be wrong (wink).

Of course, voice is always an option. I find that folks who have their voices modified are easy to detect.

Most of all … be careful about self-deception. Some of us, myself included, may want things so much that we are willing to overlook details that are important. You knew that not wanting to voice was a clue to something. Your decision to ignore it not only let you continue your belief in your soul mate, but probably gave Silvercat the message that you were willing to believe.

I wish you much luck in your future endeavors. Be careful with your heart. It might help to say a prayer to Silvercat like this: I forgive you for not being what I wanted you to be. I forgive you, and I release you.


Dr Fran Babcock


If you have questions you would like to have answered, please IM me or drop a notecard. I would love to hear from you.