Ask Dr. Philly: "Pointing Out 'That Guy' "

Dr. Philly,

I'm a club manager of a venue that serves both the community it's in, and has also attracted a small following of those from outside. One way I publicize it is through my Facebook feed. 

Well, one evening someone plasters an image of a woman doing unspeakable acts with animals, followed by an angry rant spewing hatred of Second Life. He claimed to be the owner of a couple sims whom had people doing the most vile things from child rape to bestiality on his land, saying the Lab closed his sims and threw him out of the Grid. He denounced our virtual world as a land of the most sickening perversions, and demanded if I had any decency at all, I would leave and help spread word of "the truth" about Second Life.

My response was to delete the his comment. While I can take an insult, I couldn't have that image he posted due to it's graphic nature and it being against Facebook Terms of Service. Well, his response was fury. Accusing me of covering up "the truth," and defending perversion, rape, child abuse, and all sorts of other crimes. Finally, he told me he'd be reporting me to Facebook to get me banned.

Dr. Philly, if what this guy says happened to him is true, it was wrong. But I can't accept his hate either. While I don't know exact numbers of these sorts of sims, it was months before I came across so much as a girly bar here in Second Life. Let alone a "kink club" of which I've heard tales about, but only saw for myself when a friend TPed me in one one as a joke, well over a few years after I came here. To paraphrase a Dutch friend, Holland is not just a few "red light" city blocks in Amsterdamn, and Second Life is not a handful of hardcore RP sims that very few of it's residents ever set foot in.

I still feel mad about what he did, and he's been posting his hate on his own Facebook page. Shall I counteract them in his own comments? And do I have anything to worry about by his ban threat?

Pointy-Haired Manager


To the Point,

   These kinds of civil disputes can be very tangled affairs and in many cases neither party is 100% right. In an arbitration, we would first get a detailed description, from each, describing the problem from their own perspective. Step two, make each read the other's description. That done, we can now ask meaningful questions. If the man owned the sims and things were being done that he does not allow, why was he letting them stay? Why does he target your club, instead of the ones on his sims? If he is so against "porn," why is he spreading it in a public setting?

   The fact is, one,there are many such adult clubs in SL, which work within the rules and two, if an individual has a bad opinion of a person or place, it's just that, an opinion. Opinions aren't rules, until you get a majority to vote on them. Another thing to remember is, Second life is the product of over 44 million imaginations. The tricky thing about the imagination is, it has no picture for the word "NOT." If you put a "Thou shall not..." in your mind, it immediately goes about drawing it to you.

Far more powerful than a mere physical brain, our minds can magically create anything it pictures. There is no Top Secret plan to keep you from gaining super mind powers. You just haven't asked the right question yet. Conflicts end as soon as both parties imagine a solution, as a picture where everybody has a happy ending and maybe even a new friend.

   This has proven true through out my life, but I don't ask anybody to just take my word for it. I can only hope that I have stirred your curiosity enough to test it for yourself.

Still waiting for the fat lady to sing,
   Dr. Philly

===========================

Hey Doc,

   I can't help but notice that you and your little bunny friend, Sha, are somewhat better known and more influential in your community than I am in mine, despite your having been in SL for fewer years than I have. If we all start out second life with the same abilities and bank account, how is it that some seem to be born with a silver spoon in their mouth? If, on the other hand, we all have the same potential to become noteworthy, influential members of the community, there must be some skill involved, that I, one of tens of millions in SL, could learn and develop and thereby get my own silver spoon. As a "Pro", are there any "tricks of the trade" that you could pass on to us little guys, to help elevate our position in the community?

Signed,
   That Guy in episode 81 of Galaxy Quest

Hey you Guys,

   No doubt, we have all heard, when it comes to turning ideas into forms of reality, expressions like "Money talks" and "Follow the money". The same principles are at work, whether we are in a real or virtual world, so it is important to understand what money is and how it works. In and of itself, a dollar is no more valuable than a piece of paper or any rock on the ground. Money gets it value because it is a good conduit for turning ideas into form. Keep in mind, money is not the only path that ideas can take. It is not even the best way of connecting ideas and forms. Like computers, our mind energy can have a wired or wireless connection to the "get'er done" network. By learning to mix the mental energy (an ideal) with some emotional energy (enthusiasm) and a little physical energy (rolling up your sleeves and getting a little dirt on your hands), you can convert any molehill into a mountain, without spending a single L$. How, you ask? John Lennon said it best, in his song, "Imagine".

In "real life", we have money for the necessities, like food, clothing and shelter. In Secondlife, we don't ever require food or even air. You can spend all day walking on the bottom of the sea or the moon and never take a breath. On the Marketplace, there are enough free items to fill any needs. Shelter is totally unneeded, because there are no elements that can harm us. Home is a handy place to open your new items, but there are lots of other places to do that, without the need of paying rent. What about money for things that aren't free? How do I get L$s to buy cool stuff? You mentioned my "little bunny friend". With her hundreds of avatars, each with the latest selection of mods and clothing, the castles, vehicles and other rich girl toys, it might surprise you to learn that, until recently, she never bought any Linden dollars. If there seems to be a silver spoon in her mouth, it is because she imagined one there, from day one. Imagination is the principle currency in Secondlife. When we log into the grid, we have a picture in our mind of who our avatar is and what it's position is in the community. When you are in world, there is an entire network of computers dedicated to turning the pictures in your mind into a virtual world around you. If you want a better world, begin with putting better pictures in your mind. Does something this simple really work? Yes, 100%, so give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Imagine that,
   Dr. Philly

Ask Dr. Philly: "Up The Wall With The Blues"

To Doctor Philly,

   I have some friends, on the sim I live on, that I would love to be closer with. The problem is, they seem to be unresponsive, in conversations, most of the time. Sometimes it's like they are on another planet and radio communication takes a half hour to get there and back. I try to be patient, but there are times when I feel tempted to push them out a hole in my skybox floor. I've even seen one of them A.F.K., several times, when she was dancing on a pole for tips. What's wrong with these people and what can be done to make them fit in better?
signed,
 Talks to walls

Peace Talks,
   Communication breakdowns are always irritating. Fortunately, science can lead us to finding ways to improve the art of communicating. At every scale, from individual sub-atomic quarks to the entire universe itself, we observe life forms. These countless life forms all share two desires; to be individuals, making their own choices and to gather with others of their kind, to form a synthetic greater life form. Quarks join to make sub-atomic particles, which join to make atoms, which form molecules, cells, plant and animal bodies, etc. The incentive for forming greater life forms is the synergistic increase of powers and abilities. The greater life is much greater than the sum of it's little life parts. In order for little lives to gather into greater ones, they must surrender part of their own self- determination, for the good of the group. Each modifies it's behavior/mannerisms, depending on position within the greater body and how it may be most useful there. A cell that is acting in the right manner could be said to have "good manners." A cell with bad manners will be an irritant to the rest of the body and will be eliminated, out the back door.

When somebody in the room is asleep at the wheel (AFK), they are, temporarily not one with the group. Commune means "with one." We all have to get up from the keyboard, now and then. The best way to avoid any disturbance to the rest of the group is to excercise good manners. If you need to step away from the group and not be cut out, give them a BRB (be right back) followed by a BACK, on your return.
We can't force others to have good manners, but we can set good examples and let others know that manners are appreciated. In the meanwhile, at least you know, when you talk to your walls, they aren't  going to just walk off from you.

At your service,
Dr. Philly

-----------------------------------------------------

Dear Doc,
   I love that in SL I can be anything and do anything I want. Lately, one of my friends has been saying that I should pick the best avatar, species and gender and stay that way all the time. That doesn't sound like fun, to me. Is there some kind of rule that I don't know about? Am I allowed to have fun or not?
signed,
  Stuck inside of foxes with the bunny blues again

Dear Stuck,
   The main purpose of any universe, real or virtual, is to answer every single "What If" question that can be asked. The quest for answers brings a never ending stream of new experiences. With each question that's answered, we "Become" something that's New and Improved. I'm fond of telling folks that "Even an old god can learn new tricks."  In some old, mistranslated writings, a prophet asks God his name, to which the reply was, "I am that I am." We have confirmed that the correct translation should be "I am BECOMING that which I will become."

I don't know all the official rules in Second Life, but the top of any list should say, "Thou shall have great fun, gaining new experiences and becoming all you can become.

From the horse's mouth,
Dr. Philly

Ask Dr. Phily: "Between a Rock and a Shady Place."

Dear Dr. Philly,

   Through some misunderstandings, I feel that the administrators of the sim and some of the residents are angry at me and want to do me harm. I have taken this up, with those in charge and been told I can stay, but still feel unsafe in my home. I am just a little guy. What can I do to get out of this mess?

Signed,
   A.F.K. under my rock




 To Mr. K.,

   Can I call you A? I'm going to let you in on a very little known important secret on how things get done, anywhere in the universe, RL and SL included. Everything in the universe that we call "matter" has it's roots in an idea that mattered. That idea inspires minds to create images of it. We call that "Imagination". Our feelings enthusiastically take up these images and create electro-magnetic meshes which draw pre-existing matters to give the original idea a solid form. Long story short, everything that's happening around us is being cooked up in our imaginations, like it or not. Don't just take my word for it. You have to prove it for yourself. I know you have an imagination, or you wouldn't be in SL. Put and develop in your mind the image that you are "That Guy". That guy, who everybody likes and respects and says hi to, when he walks in a room. That guy, that everybody is friends with and smiles every time they think of him. Keep your image free of any negative qualities. Have good, happy feelings about your image. When the image and feelings are complete, drop it, forget about it. Right on time, you will become "That Guy"

  Dr. Philly

 ++++++++++++++++

Dear Doc,

   I have an anoying new neighbor, that's driving me and my friends nuts. Whenever he's around, it's always talk about doom and gloom, we're all gonna die. Dude, it's a GAME, get over it! If I ban him from my home, that would only add more stress. Can you give me a more civilized way to handle this guy?

signed,
   Peeks-Thru-Shades




 To Peeks,

   I think you will like my "High Tech" methods of handling group conflicts. In the process, we'll also share some ideas about how time works. We'll check the weather forcast, before we proceed. When it comes to predicting the path of dangerous storms, Meteorologists use "computer models", which can be run using a different set of "what ifs", hundreds of times per minute, ending in the most probable path. The actual storm path takes days to finish. The computer model path takes a nano second. Same paths, different time scale.

  If we step back and take a look at Second Life as a method of running computer models of interpersonal relationships, we can find the shortest behavioral path to a "happily ever after" civilization. In a one hour movie or TV show, all the events shown cover more than one hour's time. For the person at the keyboard, the soul of the avatar, an hour of movie or an hour of SL both offer the same amount of new experience. The added advantage in SL is that we each write our own lines, in each new daily episode of a sitcom and the length of time you spend in world is equal to one day's experience to both the avatar and it's soul. This accounts for why we have all felt that time is faster in SL. We are all variables in a computer model society. We can write our own scripts, but not those of others. Over time, we can influence what others write. The important trick is, don't keep playing the same re-runs each day. With each new episode, make your av say and do things that might help steer the show to a happy ending. With a little practice, you WILL get good results.

Open your shades, your front door, hit [Ctrl]+[Shift]+[Y] and let that SLun shine in.

Dr.Philly

Ask DrFran: Dancing Queens Drama

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I don’t think you can help with this, but I am giving it a shot anyway. I have a friend—no, not me—and I am just about to give up on her. Before I do that, I wanted to ask you about the situation.

My girlfriends and I are a close-knit group. We do a lot of the things most girls do in Second Life™: shop, dance, go to parties, and talk, talk, talk in voice. We do have a few guy friends who come along with us, but mostly we are together having laughs. It’s really nice, or at least it was really nice until recently.

We are always ready to incorporate new ladies into our group, and Brittany seemed a perfect addition, with her quick wit and Australian accent. She quickly caught on to our ways, and became an important member of our shopping expeditions. She changed clothes even more than all of us, and her taste, while different, was very interesting. Things could not have been better, and we all enjoyed having Brittany with us on our jaunts.

Every crowd of girls has a ringleader, who is the person who generally sets the agenda for the get-togethers, and decides what is to be done. Rowena is our mistress of ceremonies, and most of us are more than happy to do whatever she suggests for our romps through the virtual world.

Our new friend Brittany seemed very taken with Rowena, and spent more and more time with us, seeming to court favor with our leader. There didn’t seem to be anything unusual about this initially, but that all changed one day when Rowena didn’t respond in a timely way to an IM that Brittany sent her.

Brittany started to IM all of the other girls to ask why Rowena was ignoring her. We all know that sometimes Rowena gets involved in things and doesn’t pay attention to her IMs, and none of us was particularly bothered by this. We knew that sooner or later Rowena would look up and see her IMs. However, Brittany was not able to just accept the situation. She kept IMing us and her questions evolved from asking why Rowena wasn’t responding to her IMs, to why was she always left out of everything, and she wasn’t going to take it anymore, and she needed real friends, not untrustworthy people like Rowena. We were all pretty shaken by what developed, but Rowena patched it up with Brittany and the group partied on.

Sadly, this scenario of Brittany melting down whenever she perceived that she did not get enough attention from Rowena continued and got stronger and stronger. She un-friended and re-friended her several times. She attempted to enlist us in taking sides, and helping to negotiate discussions about her lack of attention. She said: “I can’t take this anymore!” so many times that we stopped listening.

All of us really had enough, and were ready to say good-bye to our newest member, but a few of us had the good sense to realize that people who behave this way are usually dealing with some sort of trauma from the past, and have little skill in dealing with it. That was when I thought of asking you what to do.

Is there anything we can do to help Brittany be one of us? Thanks, 

One of the Crowd

Dear One of:

Thanks for your letter, and for your concern. I think it’s admirable that you have such compassion for this person. Most people in SL would have dumped Brittany the moment that she started to cause disruptions in the group.

You are probably correct in your assessment of the situation. Brittany most likely is responding to her present time as if it was the past. We all do this. The relics of our childhood remain with us; usually throughout our lives.  A child who grew up being severely criticized will almost always be sensitive to criticism. Since all of us—this writer included—don’t really think about the connection with the past, we are doomed to repeat old patterns and habits. Whatever Brittany is going through is not really what is going on in the group of girls in Second Life™, but something that is a reenactment of something from her childhood. If, for example, Brittany was the child who was left out of things by her mother, she may be responding to Rowena as if she was the mother who left her out. Of course, I am merely speculating about the exact circumstances, but the intensity of Brittany’s responses makes it clear that the past is calling her.

Your question asked about what to do about this. Unfortunately, my response is neither a quick fix, nor a fix at all. It is Brittany’s job to find out how to get past this problem. The only thing you and your girlfriends can do is find some way to stick with her, despite her maddening behavior. Brittany lacks the ability to trust others, and feel at ease with them. You ladies can help her by being constant no matter how angry she becomes. If you keep letting her back in she may start to feel more comfortable in the group and lose the need to be constantly validated by Rowena.

I wish you luck and stamina, as that is what will be required to break through this roadblock in your group’s progress. Let me know how you make out. 

Affectionately, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Reader Submitted: My First Five Years

By Nydia Tungsten

By the time you read this my Rez day will have come and gone. December 12 2008 is when I was “Born” to this virtual world.

Five years .... wow that’s a LONG time.


Five years in anything is a long time I guess. But in a virtual world, like real life, you grow, in attitude as well as skills.

I did a lot of growing up, with such wonderful guides as Treninari, Ranchan, Alleara, and my SL Mother who took me under her wing and started me down the path of clubs and land management for that I say thank you Mother (Skylark). And one of my FIRST best friends Jian, she kept me grounded and tried to keep me out of trouble....didn’t always work, but she did try.

There are just too many to name that have entered my life and helped me grow, some no longer speak to me because each side has changed as we grew, just like real-life friendships change sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse, even those no longer in my life that have touched my heart, I will ALWAYS care about.

In my five years here I have seen people come and go. But unlike real life here we can start over if we make mistakes, as in alts. I know of plenty of alts in use by others, and as long as they are not used for griefing I see no harm in them and will NEVER reveal ANYONES alt. I have even lost a mate over that.

But where ever there are MMO’s there WILL be alts. Best way to deal with them is to take each one for who they are. THAT is one of my biggest lessons learned in five years.

I have had people try and teach me to build ..... (I can now make a decent doughnut) and tried to teach scripting (I can change the name in floating text), neither of which can I say I am accomplished. I run clubs, not to make money for those days are over. They are money pits now. I run them because I enjoy doing it. Same with my DJ’ing. I admin 10 sims and I own 3 of those, both in Second Life and in Inworldz, not getting rich, but I do get to meet some interesting people, I have friends from every continent on the globe.

When I expanded to InWorldz I was asked by many why I was leaving Second Life. My answer I was not. Not only do I have too much invested here in sims and such, but I have a family, many that care about each other. And I have my Angels, those on my friends list that I love and trust most of all. You see in real life it is hard to make anything of yourself without someone there with you to help you. any success I may be credited for, I have to credit them, I love each and every one of them.

My appearance over the years has changed as well. I have a few forms I use: Skunk, Bunny, and a few others. But I will ALWAYS be the little white vixen that enjoys helping out. I was made an official Kitsune by Alleara a while back and given a second tail for all my work in helping others (for those who don't know, they grow more tails as they grow in experience). It took me a while to get used to seeing a second tail on me. But now, if I don’t have it .... I feel as if I am missing something.

As for relationships, I have had a few, I have had my heart broken, as well as broke a couple of hearts. But none of them on either side was intentional, and I try very hard to remain on good terms with them and wish for them everything they wish for themselves. As for right now, I am in a very HAPPY relationship with my wife Brandi. She is the “Mouse that caught the Fox,” and we have been hopelessly in love ever since we slow danced (Thank you my heart : MMWHAA!).

I treat my virtual life as I would my real life one, trying to be the best person I can be. Am I an Angel? NO WAY! Heh, I screw up on a daily basis, but like real life I try and learn from my mistakes, make them right, and move on. Am I paranoid? I have been asked that by a few people. Hell, I have even asked myself that very same question. The answer would have to be yes, to a certain extent. Again, Second Life mirrors real life. There ARE people that are here that will lie, cheat, and steal because it’s easier that real work. So you HAVE to be a bit paranoid to make it anywhere.

So if you are new to Second Life or any other virtual world my advice is this: Remember there is more than sex here. Yes we ALL go through that “phase.” Don’t come looking for your perfect match thinking they will whisk you away to happiness. That road leads to a lot of pain. Instead, find friends have a good time explore everything there is to offer. And IF you find someone you might be interested in, become friends first, remain friends awhile, THEN... who knows they just MIGHT be the one. But if you go out looking for love and a mate because you NEED one right NOW, you are just going to scare them away.

Learn a skill that you like to do, then do it. Whatever it is as long as you like it, have fun with it.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!!

Be who you are, this is Second Life. You can be whoever or whatever you want, either it is a dino serving time on a space ship, a demon loving in hell, or even a little white vixen running businesses across the grid, find your nitch and have fun with it whatever it is. That has got to be the most important thing I have learned in five years, be who and what you feel you are in your heart and I promise, you will be happy with yourself.

Nydia Tungsten

Interview with Tantari Kim

By Grease Coakes

Just recently, I turned six in Second Life. I may be old, but there are still avatars in the grid older than me. Like I stated in my interview with DrFran Babcock, Tantari Kim has been here a much longer time then I have. She heard about Second life through a MUCK which is a text based roleplay.

Tantari Kim was part of the SL beta where everyone was building and messing around. She didn’t like that as she wanted to be more of a social butterfly. She left the SL beta going back to a place called there.com, where everyone built cars and had races a lot of the time. Then later someone on a muck said 'come back to SL, someone named Cross Lament can make an avatar for you.' For a one-time fee of $20 in real money Tantari Kim joined Second Life again. She said that Linden labs was nice enough to grant her last name of Kim from the beta Second Life when she rejoined Second Life in April 05, 2004. In April of next year 2014 Tantari Kim will be a decade old, where in comparison my avatar only turned six recently.

I may be old in Second Life, but other avatars are still older than me and Tantari Kim takes the cake. I remember one time hanging out at my fave human club SGB, which is shorthand for Sounds Gravis beach. I TPed Tantari over. When people saw her profile age, a human or two paid her Linden and Tantari was humbled by that. SGB is here at http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Sounds%20Gravis%20Beach/114/30/30

Back then Second Life was very different where before mainstream furry avatars were available. Furry avatars were custom made for others at the tune of 5,000L vs. buying a regular furry avatar from a vending machine. Back then furry avatars were clunky and had what Tantari said had bubble tails. The lower legs were very skinny on the avatars.

The first furry vending machine made by Luskwood was a big event back in 2004. To Tantari’s knowledge at that time it was a major party back at that time period. Tantari showed me a picture of the grey vixen she bought.

Back then people made Linden by giving ratings to other avatars. Based upon being nice and personality how your avatar looked and building skills. You paid the reviewer 1L per aspect you were asking to be reviewed on for a maximum of 3L. Tantari gave lots of reviews as she made 1,200L per week. I said that would be plenty to live on in Second Life. Get an avatar every week with money like that.

The SL that exists today made accounts free, but now you had to pay real money for the Second Life Linden currency. Tantari and other furries saw the downside as lots of griefers attacked furry clubs like the Ark. Tantari said if a human avatar came to a furry club people would look up the avatar’s profile right away in case they had to report the human avatar. Furries were fearful that humans might grief the sim. But now with free accounts anyone can just make new accounts to regrief the same sim again. When people paid $20 for an account people thought twice about greifing sims or people.  Linden Labs terminated anyone’s account caught greifing.

There’s a place around called The Shelter where they still have a game show going on. Similar to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," every question you got right was a certain amount of linden where you can choose to keep that Linden or keep answering questions to try and earn higher amounts of linden. Get a question wrong and you lost it all. The game is called payment Podium. Furries and humans are both welcome at The Shelter as a PG sim where tolerance and being polite was the norm. Seems like a nice place to go to if you had a bad day or just wanted to take it easy. It’s still around at http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Isabel/47/237/81

In fact a group she created herself is called the Vixen Scouts International as she made her very own vixen scout outfit. The motto is vixen scouts are helpful and kind. The vixen scouts is exclusive however as you must be using a vixen avatar to join in. Tantari is very much like that as she greeted new accounts/avatars at Tutorial Island back in 2005. She described various things on the picture she showed me like a board game called prim attack that she never played. On the right was the circle where new avatars loaded when they finished their tutorial. The purple bike in the picture was free for anyone to use.

She also said how next to the Tutorial Island was Luskwood which was SL’s first furry sim, which is still around today. Tantari showed me lots of pictures with her avatar among various other furry avatars. The avatars including herself shown in the pictures were state of the art years ago, but today could be used as freebies as avatar creating and building has advanced over the years.

I joined in 2007 and I really didn’t know much about Second Life. I went to the Ark which is still around today and met Tantari. She was helpful and guided me around. Another thing she remembered about the Ark is when voice chat was still introduced a few months after I joined Second life. The people who talked in voice chat killed the music played by the stream. The other side of the coin was music got in the way of those having conversations over typing. Tantari said not all people on voice were the sharpest tools in the shed though. Tantari and I talked over Skype we remembered how the ark looked and SL looked a lot different back then. She also showed me lots of pictures.

Tantari was and still is a good friend of mine as she was helpful and kind I was a clueless newbie when I first started. I may be an old avatar in Second Life, but Tantari Kim’s experiences and adventures are great in number as she is one of the first avatars in second life that we all live in today.

Grease Coakes 

Ask DrFran: Is Second Life™ Addictive?

By DrFran Babcock

This week’s column is a little bit different in that it was inspired by an IM I got from a friend asking me to help a friend. While I write this column; I prefer not to “help” people in world, because there are too many possibilities for problems to arise. It’s just ethical to avoid this. However, my friend’s request got me thinking.

This friend wanted to know if there was a possibility that someone could spend too much time in Second Life. She told me a story about a friend whose First Life family were becoming upset because she was spending long hours in world, and was not interacting with anyone at home. This question allows me to address two things that are very important to me as beliefs in humanity, and beliefs about addiction.

You Can’t Help Anyone

I know, I know. You are saying to yourself: You are wrong DrFran, there’s always a chance that someone can be helped. Actually, I don’t agree with that. People do not get better until they themselves want to get better. One of the most common phone calls or emails that I get at work goes something like this: My daughter has a terrible eating disorder. I am afraid that she is going to starve to death. No matter what I do she refuses to eat, and this has turned into huge power struggles and fights to get her to eat even the smallest morsel of food. I want her to come into the hospital and get some help. She really needs it.

What I respond to this mother will probably anger you, but it’s really all that can be done. I say: I am really sorry for the problem you are having. I would be more than happy to talk with your daughter if she will just call me. Otherwise there is nothing I can do. I know how badly you want to help her, but you really can’t want this more than she does. I would advise you to call 911 (USA emergency ambulance) if she falls ill, but that’s really all you can do.

Horrors, you say? Well, no…just think about it for a minute. Have you ever wanted someone to love you with all of your heart and soul? Wishing doesn’t make things so, and wanting things for other people is a waste of energy. I have never made a single change in my life because others wanted it for me, but only when I finally wanted it for myself. I really hope this young girl calls me, because I do have tools to help individuals who might be anorexic find a way out of the need to starve.

DrFran’s Take on Addiction

Again, you may disagree with me, but I have a very functional definition of addiction. I spend a ton of hours in Second Life. I love it dearly. However, I work a full time administrative job, teach a graduate school level university class once a year, pay all my bills on time, and manage to stay in good health. I have a small group of male and female friends with whom I go out to eat, the movies, and into New York to see museums and shows. All in all, a pretty well balanced life for someone who does not have familial obligations. Thus, I can spend long periods of time in Second Life™ without it compromising the parts of my life that make me a functioning adult.

If you are someone who misses days from work, has no money to pay bills because of your tier, avoids family and friends to remain in world, or does things that have a negative effect on your day-to-day life, then in my definition you may be an addict. To me, an addict is someone who screws up their life, knows they might be doing that, but they are not able to stop. The horror of addiction is this: One day the addict generally reaches a point where the substance, thing, act, behavior to which they are addicted is no longer able to give them the pleasure it once did. In spite of this the though of stopping is terrifying. Once someone is so habitual in their use of, for example Second Life™, that they don’t know what to do without it, but can’t stand being involved in it either, they are caught in a tragic trap. Stopping or not stopping will not help the problem. Of course, stopping is really what’s needed in this case, but until the person realizes it, nothing and nobody can make that happen.

So, when I say that it’s up to each individual to decide for themselves if they are an addict, I really mean what I say. I might believe you have a problem, but only you can fix it.

Wishing I had happier news to share…much love,

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: The Green-Eyed Monster

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I never thought that I would be someone who would write to you. I mean, I have never really had much in the way of problems in my life, and haven’t really had the need to ask for help. I seem to have become another person lately.

It’s funny, in a way, because many people believe that Second Life™ is the place to become someone other than the human you are—to try on a new persona.  The new “me” should have been someone with better values and qualities to admire. Yet, I have become someone I would look upon with scorn.

I was not looking for romance in Second Life™. I was at a concert of a performer whom I like a lot, when I received an IM from someone I didn’t know. They asked me about something I had in my profile that had to do with an interest in railroads in Second Life™. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that it was a pick up line, I responded, and we chatted happily while listening to the music. It turned out that Carl liked this singer as much as I did, and that we had a few other interests in common. He was involved in the mainland railroads, and we shared about sims we had visited with active trains. He mentioned a few other places to which I had never been that had great train sets on them. I didn’t think anything of it, and logged when the concert was over.

The following day, Carl IMed me, sent me a friend request, and asked me if I wanted to see some of the beautiful train sims we had chatted about. I agreed, and we spent a very pleasurable few hours visiting the NY Healthscape sims, which have a long train ride on them, and a group of Japanese sims that had a monorail.

Fast forward to three months later, and Carl and I are spending most of our time in Second Life together. I never realized how close you can become to someone when you only have  voice or typing for commnication.

Slowly, I found myself becoming very dependent upon Carl for passing the hours in world. It was such a gradual transition, that it took me by surprise when he didn’t log in one day, and I found myself in a sad and angry state. This was so not me. I am not someone who moons over guys, and Carl wasn’t even a flesh and blood presence in my life. What the heck was going on?

I couldn’t believe that I had been moved to such an extreme of emotion, so I was not prepared for what followed. Carl was not about much any more. I remembered that he had told me the name of an alt he used, he said, when he was working on the mainland train and trolley lines. I searched for the name of the alt, and was surprised to find that the alt was online.

What I did next was shameful. Even now, as I think of it, I redden and dislike myself. I logged in an alt, and IMed Carl’s alt. I made up a silly excuse about a trolley on the mainland line malfunctioning and his name was on the vehicle. He asked for a TP, and we spent a few minutes chatting.  I scrutinized his profile and saw a pick for his home location.  I went on the Marketplace and spent a lot of Lindens on a spy HUD.

In the following days I hung out near Carl’s alt’s home sim, and waited with the spy HUD. It only took two days before I found him several thousand meters away on his sim. There was another green dot on the map with him. Knowing that he might not even remember my alt, I TPed over to his location, and spied behind the walls to find him in an embrace with another female avatar.

I teleported away, but frankly, I don’t kno whether to be more upset about his infidelity, or the way I behaved. This jealous, stalking behavior—where did it come from? In truth, I haven’t stopped. I keep stalking both avatars whenever I can. I have map rights on Carl, and check out where he is whenever I can. It takes all my willpower not to teleport right up to him and confront him. I have been so ashamed that I have stopped speaking with him, and log on at times when I know he cannot be in world.

Help me to make sense of this, DrFran. 

Sign me: Jealous Fool


Dear Jealous:

I can see how Carl’s behavior was hurtful, and could have brought about the response that you describe. I don’t really have a lot of information about Carl from your letter, and will have to speak in generalities. I congratulate you on the bravery it must have taken to write to me about this.

Human nature is odd, and we can never know when something will happen that will trigger a response in us that seems out of character. A good example of this is when people behave in extraordinarily brave ways when a crisis occurs.  Conversly, the worst in us can come out in certain situations. We all have a dark side; all of us. It is impossible to be human without it. Most of the time this side of us doesn’t surface. The response to Carl pulling away from you must have reminded you of some long ago loss of a person’s attention.

Psych 101 quickie class: Whenever I have a strong reaction to a seemingly neutral or upsetting situation, there is information I can learn. For example: I grew up in a home where mistakes and failures were just not permitted. If I came home with a 99% on a test, I was asked why I hadn’t gotten a 100% on the test. Of course, as an adult, I have come to understand that a 99% is a damned good grade. However, any time I feel that I am being criticized, or told that my work is not up to par, I really start to freak out. I am able to say to myself: “That was then, and this is now,” and I avoid a melt down. When I was younger, it was not so easy.

What I think you need to think about, Jealous is if you can make a connection with Carl’s infidelity. As I said, I don’t have enough information to even make a guess as to what it might be. However, I do think that someone in your early years did something that you may have interpreted as a betrayal.

Stalkers often behave as they do because they feel a loss of control, when someone pulls away from them. The more the person detaches from them; the stronger the urge to cling, and to demand information. This only pushes the person further away. Therefore, the only suggestion I have beyond looking into your past, is to stop the behavior immediately. If you can resist checking up on Carl, you will find over time, that the impulse to know what he’s up to will fade. I know it doesn’t feel that way just at this moment, but it’s so. Please don’t confront him. This will never turn out well.

Please let me know how you make out, if you uncover any past betrayals, or if you have an update on your relationship with Carl.

Fondly, DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "A Buddy Comes Out"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

In real life, I’m a bit afraid of gays, or "homer-sexuals" as my Dad called them. He considered them bad news as men in general had only one thing on their mind, and gays were different only in they'd be after your behind instead of bragging to you about how much they got. A friendship with one, he told me, was impossible. And he felt that if any were dumb enough to show themselves back in the farm community he grew up in, the expression "he needed killin’" might be brought to bear.

Coming to Second Life™, I found a few, but not many, at least among the men. There have been a few in their profile who called themselves "bisexual," but not many male homosexuals. Maybe in SL's Libertarian "mind your own business" attitude, most keep quiet about it, but I can only guess. But some haven't. Some kept to themselves. Others acted like my Old Man warned me they would, being pests and flirting with any guy who was unlucky enough to draw their attention.

For most of the time, I didn't think too much about the subject, being occupied with going about in Second Life™ and making friends. Among my first friends was "Kay" (not his real SL name) a short, furry guy who liked music and would occasionally play at music events at a favorite hangout of mine. We would also talk with other friends about computer games and goings on in SL and first life, as well as places we’d seen. We'd also do some activities together, such as a weekly tour group in SL. He could be a little sad at times, saying he had trouble finding someone in real life, but I thought nothing of it.

Then after over a year, Kay told me he had a bit of news. He admitted he was gay. He told me he had dated girls in first life, but just couldn't feel an attraction. This bit of news was stunning. I thought I had known him, and it turned out I hadn’t.

I didn't feel afraid of him—between his small size and his passive, well-mannered attitude. But what did make me worry was when Kay told us who he was in a relationship with. The guy, who was not really gay but bisexual, was known to be a troublemaker, harassing a lady friend of ours in first life. I reminded him of that, saying this guy had been bad news. But he persisted, showing up with him at his side. So I acted friendly, hoping my buddy was right in that he changed.

As it turned out, the troublemaker hadn’t changed. Some time later, I heard from a mutual friend they had broken up. It was a few days later when Kay finally logged back on. I met up with him, and my buddy was in tears. He had found his partner in bed with another guy, basically laughing off their relationship. He had not only given his heart and found it thrown back at him, but in exposing his biggest secret, many ‘friends’ had stopped talking to him. He felt more depressed than ever.

It was at this point I did something I thought I’d never do. I gave the guy a hug—first time on SL I had ever done so to another male.

Kay remained on Second Life™ a little longer, but eventually he stopped coming on a regular basis. He would pop in once in a while to say hello, but he had more or less moved on.

I’m not wondering what makes a guy gay. Whatever happened, he didn't ask for it. But what I do wonder is what made him “come out?” There are many stories of guys who have done so, only to be shunned by friends and family alike. Surely he would have known. Why couldn't he have just kept quiet about it? 

Wondering


Dear Wondering:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful letter and question. It is a testament to your maturity that you did not go on to embrace unquestioningly the beliefs of your father, as so many people have over time. You have had the ability to see things for yourself, and to take people as you meet them, without prejudice (note: prejudice means to pre-judge, and you didn’t).

Kay is not an unusual case. I have met many gay men and lesbians in my days on the grid. Second Life™ can provide a hiding place for people who have secrets. My own belief is that no matter where you go; there you are. No amount of running and hiding can allow a person to hide from themselves. The pain of not being truly who one believes themself to be is often unbearable for people. I believe that is what was behind Kay’s need to “come out.” Kay was unable to be who he was, and that dishonesty hurts people. I don’t know if you have ever had to appear in a human avatar in Second Life™, but if you did you might know what I am talking about. I believe you said you are a furry, and that is your identity here on the Grid. So, imagine having to act “human” here, and interact with friends and lovers as a human, when every cell in your body tells you that you are a fur. Most people could not do that for any length of time.

I am sure that Kay was well aware of the stigma of being homosexual. Despite all of the growth we residents have made and show, many folks still fear “homer-sexuals” Kay took a risk that he had to take.

On a more psychological note: It has been my experience that gays and lesbians prefer to have their affections returned. A homosexual who pursues a straight person is probably dealing with emotional difficulties. It’s no different than the woman or man who always seems to find the one person who will not or cannot return their love. Generally, without some insight they are unable to change this behavior, and will go on looking for love in all the wrong places for the rest of their life.

Kay made a bad choice in a partner; something you and his other friends warned him about, but without success. Is this any different than a straight relationship? I think not. People will love the wrong people, but mostly they will pursue people whom they think will like them. Poor Kay will heal, but his experience in Second Life™ may have soured him for future attempts at being gay here. Not because he is gay, but because he had a bad experience.

Your hug was an expression of true caring and compassion. I applaud you for the bravery it must have taken. Think for a moment…Kay didn’t pursue you romantically, so he must have seen you for what you are: his friend. Maybe he will make another try in Second Life™. We know there is no way to say, but I am glad that he has your for a friend should he try to stick his snout in again.

Thanks for your heartfelt letter.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: Where is the Meaning?

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

I have been in Second Life™ for a few years, and have enjoyed almost every second of it. I am not much of a creative person, but I love to meet people, chat, go to clubs and dance, shop until I drop, and sail on the Linden Lab seas. As you can see, I have a pretty fulfilling and fun-filled time. I have had a few boyfriends, and unlike some of the people who write to you, I wear these relationships loosely, neither grieving nor exalting when they are over. My philosophy is: Live and Let Live, and it has always worked for me. At least, it worked until recently.

I have been finding, ever so slowly but persistently, that I am feeling a sense of emptiness on an almost daily basis. It’s a little bit hard to describe, but I will try. The other day I was with my two best friends—Shanna and Tiffany—in Gizza checking out their new Spring line of clothes. We were laughing and having a great time, as usual, and the clothes were gorgeous. Out of nowhere the thought came to me: “There has to be more to Second Life™ than this.” Following that thought, I felt a deep sadness, which grabbed me, and did not let go. After a time fooling around with my friends, I told them I had to log off to do some errands (a lie), and I shut my computer off, and moped.

Since that time, the feeling comes and goes with greater frequency. I wouldn’t say that I am bored. I do enjoy the things I am doing when I log in. It’s just that I feel as if there should be more. I have started to search for places in Second Life™ that might offer me a glimpse into meaning: I visited a Buddhist Temple, a church, different philosophy islands, and nothing really gave me what I needed. Worst of all is that I am not at all sure what it is I need. I only know that how I use my time in world now is not enough. I feel shallow, and I want to find some depth to my Second Life™.

DrFran, do you have any ideas what could be going on, and what I can do about it? 

Thanks, 

Devoid

Dear Devoid: I am so taken by your honesty and insight. You seem to have arrived at a place that most people never get to visit. The sad truth is that most folks go through their lives (first or second) with their eyes closed to everything that is going on around them. What happens when they “wake up” is that they often begin to question the meaning of what they are doing. Congratulations on waking up, Devoid, because this signals the chance for you to move in a growth direction, and make an in world experience that will be deeper and full of the meaning you seek.

I am glad that you are asking me this question at this time of the year, because it is a time when Second Life™ shines the brightest, because of its altruism. You see, I believe that we get meaning from life when we unselfishly give and do for others. The annual Relay for Life season is in full swing. Every year, residents of Second Life™ form teams to raise money for the American Cancer Society. One Linden is not worth much money, it’s true, but together the Second Life™ Relay for Life team raised US$375,385 to fight cancer!!! Anyone and everyone is invited to participate, and there are still many teams that are looking for or need membership. There is a link at the end that can help you see the teams that might need help.

If fighting against cancer is not your thing, there are plenty of other charities in which residents can participate.  Just about every charity that exists in First Life has a twin in the virtual world. I recommend highly finding a way to move from self-contemplation, and into thinking about others. You, and your girlfriends could even find your own charity to sponsor. Maybe this effort will bring some more meaning into your life. Cheers, DrFran

Relay for Life in Second Life™: http://rflofsl.intuitwebsites.com

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

DrFran Babcock

Ask DrFran: How Can I Get Him Back?

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran:

I am sure that you can help me with this problem I have been having for a few months. Since my boyfriend and I have broken up, I have been pining for him, and can’t get him out of my mind. The funny thing is that it was me who broke up the relationship.

Fred (not his real name) and I have been an item for a long time by Second Life™ standards. Just before the break up I was starting to feel a bit neglected, and wondering if Fred was seeing someone else here—something that is all too easy to do in this virtual world. I got really angry with him one night, and just unfriended him, and refused to speak with him for a while.

Now, several months later, I find that I miss him terribly. He kept Instant Messaging me after the break up, even though I did not return the messages. One day I did respond to an IM, and I found that feelings of having missed him started to well up in me. I realized that I had made a mistake in breaking up in such a dramatic way.

DrFran, although we haven’t re-friended (he says he was too hurt to let an unfriending happen again) we still do speak often. I have no way to know if he is online, nor does he know about me. Therefore, it takes some effort for us to chat, but it does seem to happen.

I want us to be back together, but that hasn’t happened. Yet, I think that he is really wanting the same thing, but just afraid to try being a couple again. I keep giving him gifts of builds I have made. In fact, he used one on his land. I started to wear purple hair, because I know it’s his favorite color. I try to stay in world at times when I think he will be online. I have even told him that I still care for him. What can I do to encourage him to take me back? I just know it’s what he wants. 

 Wanting

Dear Wanting: Sometimes I really hate my job. I get letters such as yours, filled with hopes and dreams for a better future all the time. How can I get him back? That’s probably the number one question I get asked. If you listen to popular music, you will hear songs about: “Come back to me,” all the time. Loss is a big part of being a human, and here in Second Life™ things feel even more intense. So, your loss is a great one.

The reason I hate my job at times, is because I have to tell people bad news. Wanting, the bad news is that more than likely Fred is not coming back. How do I know this? Well, (guys cover your ears) men are not very complex when it comes to women. When a guy wants a woman, he will usually go and get her. There’s none of the doubt and obsession, and constant inner debating that is the work of women throughout the world.

If Fred wanted to be back with you; he would so be there. I know you will try to tell me that he’s shy, or maybe he was hurt and is being careful. Invoking the world of the old Magic 8 ball: Odds are not in your favor. Fred is being nice, because most people would rather eat glass than look like a bad guy. So, he chats with you, may even IM you first, will accept your gifts, and other signs that he is coming back. He wouldn’t friend with you, and that is big. Did you feel rejected by that? It was a rejection, in my opinion.

There is nothing that you can do—no hair color, gift, availability, etc.—that will bring Fred back unless that’s what he wants to do. When people push, I always remember what Princess Leia said to Darth Vader, when he was trying to force information out of her: The tighter you squeeze; the more star systems will slip through your fingers. People hate feeling manipulated and forced. I am sure you do, as well.

My advice, since you asked, is to go one with your second life. If Fred wants to be back in your life, he will do that. Otherwise, you moving on is the only way to ensure that you will get to enjoy your time here. I hope you decide to let go, move on, and enjoy all those things you deserve. By the way: Purple hair? Well, Relay for Life is in full swing, so maybe your hair will do for that, but it won’t get Mr. Wont-be-your-Friend back in your life. 

Cheers, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: DrFran’s Soapbox

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

This is a bit sensitive, so I hope you will hear me out. I was abused repeatedly as a child, and didn’t have much of a chance to enjoy just being a kid. As a result, I grew into a very serious adult with a strong need to control my surroundings, so I can feel in control of my emotions. That’s pretty good insight, in my opinion, and it’s helped me to survive all these years. The thing that really helped me, though, was coming into Second Life and becoming a child here. As a Second Life child, I can have all of the fun that was denied me when I was growing up. I go to camp, school, participate in Relay for Life activities, build, and a whole bunch of other silly, and out of control things I could never seem to do in First Life. The realism of the role play is impressive. We even have read. I have grown and flourished here, becoming popular with the other kids, and I have even been able to move some of this to my day-to-day life.  

I spend all of my time in Second Life with other child play avatars, and never stray far from my group. We are all friends, and many of us have even met up in First Life. I am telling you all this as background for what I am about to tell you. I have a distrust of grown up avatars, and except for the teachers and camp counselors, I usually stay away from all adults. I can be found usually on General sims, and have avoided events and activities that might place me in proximity with mature sims.

That said, and shaking as I write this, and I am pretty sure you know where this is going. Two weeks ago, after school, one of the adult teachers, whom I will call Mr. Fred, asked me to stay after math class so that he could show me how to solve a homework problem that I really didn’t understand. I was a little nervous, but figured the school could only have trusted teachers.

Within moments of the rest of the class leaving, he rezzed a set of pose balls and asked me to climb on the pink one. He told me: “This is so we can sit and talk about the homework.” I didn’t believe him, but I felt helpless to protest—that’s a problem I have because of the abuse I have suffered. People can boss me around easily. That’s one of the reasons I avoid adult avatars. When I got on the pose ball, I immediately began to gyrate in a sexual way. I was completely freaked out. I hopped off the ball and teleported back home, and logged out. I have not told a soul about this, and it happened about two weeks ago. When my First Life abuse was going on my abuser, a neighbor, used to tell me that if I told anyone what we were doing that he would hurt my parents. I guess I am conditioned to keep silent, but I worry that Mr. Fred will try this with other child play avatars, and most of the ones I know have also suffered from child abuse.

Since that day I have not logged in much, I feel a return of some of the horrid symptoms that used to haunt me before I found Second Life. What can I do?

Sign me: Abused.

Dear Abused: I am so sorry for all of the horrid things that were done to you. Children are not meant to be objects of pleasure for sick people. Pedophiles abound, and this is the topic to which I have the strongest, angriest, and frustrated response. The world has yet to awaken to the epidemic proportions of child abuse, and things will not improve until they do.

I know that you will not be pleased to hear this, but you MUST Abuse Report (AR) this individual. This behavior is bound to continue unless you report him. I am sure this avatar worked a long time on building the trust of the school administration in order to get into the role of a trusted instructor. If he is stopped, he will surely create an alt to continue this behavior, but it will take time for him to establish the relationships he needs to continue with his behavior. Of course, this is conjecture. For all I know he (or she) is operating several avatars already.

It’s been a while (2008) since there has been a lot of talk about child play avatars in Second Life being used for pedophiliac role play. Marianne McCann ( http://marianne.secondlifekid.com ) and fellow advocates have gone a long way to demonstrate the actual purpose of child play for many individuals, and it is similar to what you expressed. The children of Second Life have a reputation for fun, charity and loyalty to each other that is enviable.

This is Second Life, not First Life, but I am a firm believer that the line between the two is wafer thin. You hurt my avatar, and the First Life DrFran is hurt. You are a pedophile in Second Life, and you probably are a pedophile in real life.

Please, please, please, Abused. Report this guy, because he will continue his behavior, and you will be doing the right thing, not the wrong thing. I appreciate fully how difficult it is to break out of the habit of protecting your perpetrator, that were wired into you as a child, but as a wise person said to me: If nothing changes; nothing changes. I hope you can find the courage to do report this individual, and I hope you can find a way back to your friends and family in Second Life.

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: It’s a Big Grid

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

My rez date is from 2006, but I left Second Life soon after I came in, and didn’t return until recently. I am amazed at how much has changed since then. The grid is a gorgeous place filled with amazing builds. Mesh has added so much to the way things look—it’s a paradise. The thing that is most striking to me is how vast the world is—it’s gigantic! I teleport from place to place to place, and I mostly find myself alone. That’s what I wanted to ask you about.

Back in 2006 I could find things to do by looking on the website at events. There were always a lot of events, and I found them. What was a problem back then is still a problem for me today. I just don’t know how to make friends here.  There are some places where I find lots of avatars: Frank’s Place Jazz Club, New Citizens Incorporated, and some of the Welcome Areas. I go to these places and hang around, but nothing ever seems to happen.

My question is: How do I meet people in Second Life? I don’t mean finding a boyfriend. I just want to have people to hang around with, explore to this fantastic place, and sit and chat. What am I doing wrong? Thanks, 

Lonely in Paradise. 


Dear Lonely: I chose your letter out of a pile of similar letters. There are many residents who feel alone here in SL, and are at a loss to figure out what to do to change this. As a result, many of them do leave, and never come back.

However, there is a lot one can do to make their Second Life a social and active environment. This does take a bit of self-honesty, if you are willing to do that. Here is a list of questions and suggestions:

1.     Am I really lonely? Do I really want to be with other people, or do I just think I should be with other people?

Believe it or not, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying solitude. Our society places a great emphasis on being with others, and folks who enjoy their own company can often feel different or excluded. The fact is that Second Life seems to attract many people who are content with creating and exploring without chatting or being around other residents. DrFran enjoys the solitude of creativity quite often. I say this so that those among you who feel this way might know that really it is OK. I am going to assume, Lonely, by what you have written, that you are not a happy loner.

2.     If I determine I do want to meet other people, then I have to think about a few things? Most important is the question of interest. What is it you like doing, Lonely?

You mentioned exploring the grid and chatting with others. As I said above, it is crucial to be doing the things you like to do in Second Life in order to meet people with whom you might have things in common. For example, like many people in Second Life, I like music. When I was a new avatar, I went to many concerts, and found that the performers I liked attracted people that I liked. But, that’s not enough. The only way that other people get to know me is if I talk. So, when I went to concerts, I started to participate in the conversations that always go on in open chat, no matter how compelling the performance. If you stand there an wait for things to happen, you will never meet people. I understand how shy people can be intimidated by the prospect of having to share in a populated environment, so there are other things I have done to ease myself into social situations:

a.     Do something where the conversations and interactions are expected in the event: Trivia and building classes are two events where talking around the task is structured in. If those don’t work for you, find something that requires you to speak about something in particular. You mentioned the events listing…they can still be found on the bottom of the website dashboard page. They are not as user friendly as they used to be, but they do exist.

b.     Get involved in a charity: Some of the best friends I have made in Second Life are the people that I worked with on the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life. For many years I have helped with building and events, and this has helped me to develop relationships that continued beyond the event.

c.      Join a group: Group chat is often broken, but when it is not, it is a great way to chat anonymously with like-minded people. One of the easiest ways to meet people is to join a group that is involved in a hunt. The Peace on Earth Hunt Group had many members, and they chatted about the hunt and other things all the time. I have a friend who met a good friend from that group.

3.     Be honest with yourself about what you want.

At the risk of repeating myself: Do what you really like here in Second Life. The relationships will develop if you are true to yourself. It may sound crazy, but I have always been a lover of canals, and in my attempts to recreate canals with working locks here, I have met and become friends with a wide assortment of residents. Builders, scripters, geeks and the like were attracted to my interest, and we developed friendships that persist to this day. I don’t have a working canal at this moment, but I still have the friends.

I hope all of this is helpful to you, Lonely. There are ways to create a Second Life that more naturally invites other people into it. Anyone out there you has ideas on how to meet people is welcome to contact me with ideas and suggestions.

Take care, until next week.

Hugs,

DrFran Babcock

Ask DrFran: It’s All About Perception

Dear DrFran: I don’t think it’s the lack of face-to-face First Life contact that caused the problem I am about to share with you. I think it was a difference in worldview. I just closed out a chapter in my Second Life that causes me a lot of emotional pain. I wonder over and over how I could have so missed the mark.

My guy and I didn’t meet and start the usual whirlwind SL relationship of: 1) hello; 2) let’s have sex; 3) let’s be a couple; 4) that’s enough; 5) good-bye. We were united over an interest in building and creating, and that’s what brought us together. He IMed me one day to discuss something he noted in my profile while we were both in the audience of the old Show and Tell. The more we talked, the more we found that we had similar interests in travel, culture and were both fanatical lovers of the wonder that is Second Life. We chatted pretty regularly for almost eight months before we actually spent any time together. I invited him over to my land to see a build I was working on. Thus began almost three years of just about daily contact, hours and hours of time logged building together, creating a sim, and talking, talking, talking. In the entire time I was with him, I was not ever bored or looking for topics to discuss. We were both interested in many things and interested in each other’s interests. I learned a lot from him, and I believe he learned a lot from me.

The only fly in the ointment was the way we fought, which we did with increasing frequency as time went on. Our fights usually started with me getting angry at him because he didn’t log in until I had waited many hours, or he was critical of the things I was building. I guess that’s not such unusual stuff, but as time went on it seemed that our differences were irreconcilable. When I got angry, he would just get angry back, and we descended into yelling back and forth without any common ground. No matter how many times I told him that I got angry because I cared, he just refused to accept this and move an inch in making peace. He brought up ex-girlfriends in SL all the time, despite the fact that I told him, assertively and calmly that this behavior upset me. I asked him not to do this, and he did. Eventually, we just could not come to any reasonable compromise with each other. From my standpoint, every attempt I made to tell him that I cared was met with a list of all the things I had done wrong. Despite my feelings for him, which persist to today, it had to end. I feel like a junkie without my drug. I went from knowing there was someone to talk to, to having a hole in the fabric of my Second Life.

I wish there had been some way to let him know that I really cared for him—his intelligence, humor, building and scripting skills, and just how zany he could be. However, this is done. I know I will eventually get over this, but what could I have done differently.   

Lonely on the Mainland.


Dear Lonely: I am sorry for the pain you are feeling now. There is probably no worse pain than that of a lost relationship. You have asked what you could do differently, so I will not comment on your significant other’s behavior. Besides, you said you two see things differently, thus I don’t know how accurate your descriptions of his behavior might be.

I can say some things to you. Yes, I know you are hurt. Yes, I know that you cared about this guy. Yes, you had a real and long relationship with him, and unlike many others DrFran believes it’s all real here. You can run, but you can’t hide from who you are.

That said, a lot of the things that you did were designed to push him away. (NOTE: In the interest of protecting the anonymity of this avatar, I removed some details about events that occurred, but my answer reflects some of this additional information) Nobody likes folks who are demanding and needy. I understand that you cared about him, but responding to his lack of logging in with anger could only serve to alienate and anger him. I am not blaming you; I am trying to help you see what he might have perceived. If you really cared about him, the best thing would have been to ignore his attempts at angering you by mentioning ex-girlfriends. Each time you got enraged, you pushed him further away.

People are so imperfect, me, you, your ex. When we care about someone we learn to make peace with what we see as their faults and shortcomings, or we decide not to accept and leave.

Lonely, if you are lucky enough to enter another relationship see if you can: Live and Let Live a little. You sound like a caring person, and I hope you can learn to lay back a bit, and let people be who they are. Meanwhile, I hope you have other friends and interests to engage your time. If not, ask yourself why you invested so much in just one person. You used the word “addict,” and I hope that you care for people rather than get addicted to them. Hugs and best wishes. DrFran

If you have a question for DrFran Babcock, please send her a notecard, or you can email at: DrFranBabcock@mac.com

DISCLAIMER: Ask DrFran is not meant to reflect a professional mental health opinion, nor necessarily the opinions of SL Newser. The primary purpose of this column is entertainment and journalism.

ADDENDUM: A reader contacted me following the Weighty Issues column of last week with some very good, different, and perspective changing views on overweight, health, and society’s thoughts about obesity. The reader used facts, research and logic to dispute my opinion that obesity presents health problems. If anyone reading this is interested in receiving the scholarly information on this topic, please email me at the above address.

Ask DrFran: Weighty Issues

Dear DrFran: 

I’m asking you this question, because I know that you know about mental health and self-improvement. If you don’t think it belongs here, could you just answer me privately, because I really need help with this.

Second Life is a perfect place to hide from the realities of daily life, and to avoid confronting problems. I am morbidly obese. While I have seen a few overweight avatars, they are usually for fun and laughs, because people who are fat are funny to most folks. However, my avatar is quite hot, and that’s how I want it to be. I say all this as an introduction to what I really want to say, and because it’s almost 2013.

Every year I make a resolution to lose weight, and every year I last for a few weeks before I am binging again. After the first binge there is no way that I could hate myself more. Yet, no matter what I do, I can’t tolerate the thought of never having another piece of chocolate or French fries.

I have tried all kinds of weight loss schemes, and no matter what I do, I end up going back to the old foods. I eat them for comfort, for peace of mind, and just because I like them. Help me to stick to my resolution this year. Help me to look more like my avatar. Thanks.  

Broken Promises


Dear Broken: If I were talking to you in First Life, I would never disclose personal information, but since we are virtual I will tell you this: I have maintained a large weight loss for 27 years, and I never, ever, ever make New Year resolutions.

Before you say: She must have tremendous will power, let me tell you also that I have horrid will power. What I do have is both the desire to remain slim along with some tricks that help me to keep from binging.

First of all, I don’t allow myself to think about not having French Fries ever again. I do the same thing the folks in Alcoholics Anonymous do, which is take things one day at a time. Instead of never having chocolate sundaes, I tell myself that I won’t have one today, and that if I want one tomorrow, I will deal with that then. Then tomorrow comes, and I say I won’t have one today. So far, this has worked for me.

Second, I got together a support group of women who wanted to lose weight, too. We connect on the phone, in text, or in person, to share how we are doing with our food plans. When the food is calling me from the kitchen, I get on the phone and vent my frustrations. Usually, my friends and I come to the decision that no food is going to change the way I feel in a meaningful way. In other words, a box of cookies is not going to bring back the guy who dumped me, or get me a better mark on a school paper.

Third: A food plan is a necessary tool in any weight loss program. After all these years I still follow pretty much the same food plan I started with 27 years ago! I never call this a diet any more. What I have is a plan for eating and living. I did go to a nutritionist in the beginning. Over time I have added and eliminated some foods from what I eat. How do I know what to cut out? That food that “calls” to me from the cupboard or refrigerator, it has to be removed from my food plan. Sometimes, it takes a while for me to accept that, but I really want to remain healthy more than I want to have what I want when I want it. Usually, my need to have something NOW is a warning that it’s not good for me. That goes for food, drink, men, etc.

I know you are saying: Big deal, you’ve been skinny now for a long time…what about someone who has been fat for so long? I will quote the philosopher Hillel, and ask: If not now; when? Please Broken, obesity is surely a killer. My parents recently moved to a retirement community, and I was surprised that all of the residents were of average weight or less. It took me a while to realize that obese people probably didn’t live long enough to make it to one of these communities.

So, while you are at your Second Life New Year festivities, resolve to make no resolutions, and begin the year by saying: Just for today I will eat in a way that is good for me.

I find also, that logging into Second Life instead of eating can sometimes fill my desire for food. I use Second Life as a distraction and weight loss tool when I am obsessing about sweets. I wish you all the luck in your endeavors. DrFran

If you have a question for DrFran Babcock, please send her a notecard, or you can email at: DrFranBabcock@mac.com

PS: Photo Credit. The photo was shot at: Sirenes et Moineaux Patisserie, Alchemy Immortalis (49, 39, 65), an amazing build.

DrFran Babcock