Why Do Some People Just Disappear From Second Life?

By Mylie Foxclaw

I have often seen people panicking when their partner has suddenly stopped logging in.  I have reacted the same during my first years on Second Life too.  We imagine the worst, a real-life problem, a death… but in many cases, that person is fine, so why do they just disappear?

Sometimes people fear to hurt the other or expect a bad reaction.  You can’t say you won’t react badly if your partner suddenly tells you that he wants to part ways.  You will be hurt, you will probably vent out your anger without realising it.  The next best option is simply to just leave without a word; without drama.  
 

People know when you start distancing yourself.  They can sense it even if they may not admit it.  Sometimes they are just waiting for you to confront them and tell them the truth.  And you will be surprised.  I see some people who remained friends even after breaking up or who are on good speaking terms.  Some argued and distance themselves but later, they patch up and stay good friends. 

Second Life relationships are not always easy.  A good friend of mine once told me that certain people just ran off because they told a tiny lie at the beginning but now that the relationship grew and they formed a bond, they felt that they would hurt their partner but felt like this lie became a big issue.  So they preferred to disappear suddenly, without a word.  What could the lies be?  Claiming to be single when they are married, being of the opposite gender from what they play in Second Life, faking their age.  If you put yourself in the shoes of someone who lied and imagine what they go through as they realise that their lie is becoming an issue, you may probably react the same way and leave too. 

When you find that your partner has suddenly left, you may want to consider these reasons as well.  Give it some days or weeks, then try leaving a message or an e-mail or something to see if they respond.  Keep it simple and civilised.  Remember, you can’t force someone to be with you if they don’t wish to be.  If they want to leave, let them go.  Give yourself time to digest the fact.  Take some time off Second Life or explore new facets of the virtual world to distract yourself. 

Announcing bad news and knowing you are going to hurt someone is not easy.  But when you leave like that, you’re not making things easy either.  Your partner has no idea and will worry.  He/she will wait for a while, months maybe, especially if the feelings on his/her side are deep enough.  Later they may move on, or not.  Spare them the worries and the waiting.  Break it to them, let them get mad.  If it gets so bad, restart afresh but at least you know you done your part.  No regrets, no guilty conscience. 

Whether your partner have left or you wish to leave, put yourself in the shoes of the other party and imagine what you would go through.  Don’t leave someone hanging and don’t make them feel guilty.  When it’s over, we eventually have to move on.  No need to drag it on.  You will only hurt yourself.  Isn't it better to end things in a civilised manner and remain friends?

Mylie Foxclaw

The Wearers

By Gemma Cleanslate

Two of my oldest friends in Second Life are Kikas Barbenco  and Marmaduke Arado, partners not only in SL but also real life. They are performers of wearable art at many events  and regions around the Second Life grid. They also live in my home sim, Thorstar, where they have a home that I can only describe as a reminder of a visit I made to a  Mardi Gras float factory in New Orleans , LA, USA. There are items of interest that can be used to create their scenery for their plays waiting to be used. They have all the possible items you can find all around the sims mostly great freebies. Kikas wardrobe is the envy of everyone who watches the shows . Marmaduke has wonderful tuxedos and great bathing suits ... and physique. 

Wednesday I was able to attend a performance in LEA2. KG Shine,  titled, "Me Kikas, You Marma: The Extraordinary Adventures of Kikas and Marmaduke." All their art is put on behind a red curtain. When the curtain rises Kikas is usually in some difficulty from which Marmaduke must save her ... however Kikas is sometimes (mostly) the heroine of the story. Some scenes are frightening, some humorous, some that seem to be private and the audience becomes an intruder.  Their misadventures are often unimaginable except in the mind of the creators, but such fun. Peeking behind the curtain is frowned upon but is enlightening. 

The first few times I went to see their shows years ago they were so simple and cute with a few wearable art pieces and short in duration. They have progressed so far in their scenery and story lines it is amazing. I love to see their shows, always something new. Many artists attend to see the performances. The audience enters into the spirit of the show and expresses its thoughts openly which adds to the performance.Kikas and Duke enter into the fun with their responses. If you are interested in seeing their performances you may join their group for notices: The Wearers.

Gemma Cleanslate

Ask DrFran: Lonely; Not Alone

Dear DrFran:

My Second Life girlfriend, Daisy, is the love of my life. Since we met  we have been together all the time. I have come to depend on her for planning all of our activities. She dresses me, she buys the furniture in our house, she suggests land to buy, etc. She is like a busy bee, always flittering about. Of course, I wouldn’t be writing you DrFran, if things were all rosey.

About a month ago, Daisy got a job here working for one of the big estate holders. She is responsible for responding to renters requests when she is on duty, and the owner of the estates has come to rely upon her, for building parts of the islands, and other duties. It’s not surprising as Daisy is most capable. The problem for me is that she is never available any more to do the things we used to do, and I spend a lot of time just sitting around and waiting for her to have time. I don’t think she’s cheating on me. She just seems to be busy all the time. Even more, with the Relay for Life season approaching, she will be even busier. Please tell me what to do? 

Yours, 

Alone Again.

Dear AA: Your last sentence kind of sums things up: Please tell me what to do? Why should any grown person need someone else to tell them what to do? It seems that Daisy was helping you to live, and you became so dependent upon her direction that you somehow lost the ability to think for yourself. I am not surprised that she has become busy elsewhere. Relationships need to be about give and take, and the one you describe is a bit one-sided.

I have no idea how to get Daisy to come back to you. However I do have some ideas for you. The best way to make yourself attractive to another person is to have your own interests and pursuits:

1.     I have said this before, and I will say it again: Do what you like in Second Life. You know that anything goes…so go do what you love. Love hockey? Well there are many hockey leagues in Second Life, same goes for all sports. I know many folks here who race cars happily, engage in wizardry tournaments, etc. There is something for everybody. Most important is that it is something you want to do.

2.     DrFran can be guilty of this next attribute, so be aware that I say what I say because of experience: DO NOT BE NEEDY. I can hear the whine in your voice, AA. I can’t tell you how unattractive that looks. I have lost first and Second Life partners by being clingy, demanding of time, or just “there,” wanting attention. See number one for what to do instead of waiting for your love to show up.

3.     Make some male friends. Friends are a great way to spend time in Second Life. The grid is enormous and filled with things of wonder and delight. Have you ever visited the Disney Parade? On the hour the characters march by to music. Silly fun, but fun nonetheless, and with a group of people, it’s even better. I don’t want you to think I am minimizing your feelings, or your ability to make friends, but it’s a lot easier in Second Life than in First Life. I find that all that is required is to speak up a bit in group settings. People are interested in people who seem alive with ideas and comments. If what you describe above is accurate, I have the feeling that people see you as just a shadow of your girlfriend, without a life of your own.

4.     Be honest: If you really care for Daisy, tell her so. This does NOT mean that you say it in a way that is a plea. True love is love that does not make a demand for reciprocation. State your love simply, and let it go. A person who loves you will heat that and respond.  A person who does not love you will never hear anything you say about love.

I hope this is helpful to you, AA. It is time for you to get your own Second Life. If not, I fear that Daisy will drift further and further away. Maybe next time you log in, you will follow your dreams, so that you can say: “Oh, I am sorry, I am busy with this trivia game,” next time. Maybe then, just maybe Daisy will see that you have a mind of your own, and that it makes you more attractive to her.

Please feel free to write to me again, and let me know how you make out. 

Yours, 

DrFran

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ask DrFran: "The Roles We Play"

By DrFran Babcock

Dear DrFran: 

I am writing to you out of frustration with my relationship here in Second Life. Alfie and I have been a couple here for over two years, and during this time we have built a strong night club business, and a small real estate holding company, renting shops to people who want to be near a prosperous night club. We make enough money doing this to pay the tier on the two sims we own together.

Lately, though, what’s been happening is that I log in and Alfie tells me that he’s busy with a customer. So, I set up the deejays, send out the announcements for the events, greet folks, keep the chatter going, audition and hire acts, and even clean the sims of prims left behind by visitors. I handle all the rental properties and take care of any issues my customers may have. What began as a fun partnership is becoming a full-time, busy job for me. 


The final touch was the other night while there were 26 people in the club, dancing and having a good time. I was in private chats with the deejay working on the stream, a friend of mine who rents a dress shop on one of our sims, and a newbie in the club who was having trouble figuring out how to make the dance ball work for him.  All of this was taking place at the same time that I was in open chat joking and laughing with the crowd, and setting up the board for the evening’s Best in Formal contest. Alfie logged in, and I immediately IMed him asking for help. He told me he would be there in a few minutes, but he never showed up, and logged out about an hour after logging in.

The following day, furious, I emailed him with a request to speak with him for a bit. A day later he responded to my mail, and showed up in world that evening. Now, DrFran, I am not stupid, and I tend to assess situations by what people do, and not by what they say. Therefore, I had already guessed that Alfie was not interested in continuing to be my partner, but I was not prepared for his response. After I calmly detailed to him the extent of the work I had done, and requested that he help me with some of this, he became sullen and wanted to know why I was picking on him and trying to control him. I was shocked.


From that day until today I have been doing most of the work for our two sims. Alfie is usually online playing in one of he weapons sandboxes or spending a lot of Lindens on Zyngo and things. If I so much as ask him to be present for an event he starts to whine, and logs out.


What can I do to get him to pull his weight in our business, and what can I do to show him that I care? 

Signed: Disappointed.

Dear Disappointed: The situation about which you write is a very common one. In the beginning you were so enamored of each other that it was hard to see anything but good. As time goes on in relationships they pass from this euphoric state to the day-to-day realities of life. This is especially true for working partners.

What has happened is this: People will hate me, but in most cases, we become one of our parents and connect with someone who is like our other parent (provided we had two parents). So, if one parent was responsible and the other one wasn’t that is the roles we adopt. Even worse, at times we become the responsible parent while our partner evolves into the bad little kid. I think this is what has happened in your case. You are juggling all the balls while Alfie is off playing. In addition, he may have begun to see you as the punishing parent, always ready to reprimand him. Unfortunately, once this happens to a relationship it is hard to recover your balance. Have you ever noticed, that no matter how much you have accomplished in your life, when you go home you become a little kid again?

Yes, I know this isn’t always the case, but the situation you describe sounds like Alfie sees you now as someone wagging a finger at him. Sadly, this is the death of desire. If you are able to negotiate a purely business relationship with this guy, with a contract that outlines each of your responsibilities, you might be able to salvage your sims. However, I don’t think you will get Alfie to see you in any other way than as a stern parent, and folks don’t generally feel attracted to their parents.

I am sorry this has happened, but DrFran has learned more from broken relationships. I make a lot of mistakes; I try not to make the same mistake over and over. I hope you can do something to make this the best outcome possible. Please write to me again. I want to hear how you made out, Disappointed.

DrFran Babcock

Obligatory disclaimer: The column Ask DrFran is the work of DrFran Babcock, and may not reflect the views of SL Newser as a whole. Please direct any correspondence to DrFran Babcock. I look forward to hearing from you.